Reasons some parents might advise others not to have children

[500lofwater]

Thought i make a thread on why NOT to have children.

Expensive.
No time.
You will never be first come first for a very long time.
No peace.
The responsibility is monumenntal.
Life will never be the same as it was.
School dramas.

Im a mum of three my youngest is turning 18 in 4 weeks.
And i have told my own children dont have kids.

Even though mine are now adults it still dont stop it gets better as they grow up.
But there are some things that dont it just changes to the next level.

I never wanted kids.
I wonder if mums get fed up with hearing why why why mum mummy mum, whats for dinner and so on.

If you're not prepared to be last in the priority list
If you can't handle sleep deprivation
The fact that you will spend your whole life worrying about your child
If they end up with Sen it's fucking hard(personal experience)
The sheer relentlessness being completely thankless
😅😅😅

It never ends

Some people definitely aren’t capable of being good parents because they’re selfish, impatient, uncaring, mentally unstable, financially unstable, inconsistent, bad communicators etc so I’d say those people shouldn’t have children.

Other than that, if you have the qualities needed, I’d say the only reason I’d think twice is because of the shitty world we live in.

I’m so glad I could have my children and be a good parent. For us, there is no feeling and love that is like what we have for our children. We just sometimes feel guilty about the world they have to deal with. They don’t feel that way though. They’re 23 and 18 and are excited about their futures.

Unfortunately they do have children.

I think the op meant it in a light hearted way.

The amount of anti child posts on here lately, I wouldn’t be so sure. Regardless, it’s my take on why certain people shouldn't have kids.

Having adult children is wonderful. My eldest daughter arranged a really lovely surprise party for my 50th. Nobody has ever done something like that for me before.

It is worth the hard work one day.

Where to start…

You feel guilty for any time or money you spend on yourself.

Constant anxiety about something happening to them, both when they are with you and when they are away from you.

Your body never looks the same again.

Never being able to act on impulse again. You always have to consider them.

Compromising work for family and family for work.

The constant battle regarding screens.

Oh yeah and the hell that is soft play.

I love that I had kids and have no regrets at all, but I wish someone had told me about the overwhelming never ending anxiety that accompanies caring for a small dependent human being. I do not know how others deal with it but life will never be carefree again.

I don’t tell DD to not have children exactly, but I do tell her (and anyone, really) to try and leave as late as reasonably possible.

I’ve had DD young and it has its upsides, but I do wish I had existed more time on earth being truly carefree. Once you have children (at least for me) there is that worry with you 24/7, it never leaves me.

Be careful telling your own children not to have kids, my dad said the same to me, made me think he regretted having me, it’s really not a nice feeling, almost as if I disappointed him.

This

Where do i start

I don’t matter anymore

The sleep deprivation has made me constantly wish i was dead for a long time

I think you can't get it right either way. I had my son at 37 and the flipside is, I keep thinking all my best days are behind me. By the time this child is old enough to give me some freedom, I'll be too old to be able to enjoy it!

My parents had me at 22 and at age 40 I had been out of the house for 2 years and they could enjoy their life again.

I worry that telling your kids not to have kids will make them feel unwanted and unloved? I would of course be honest with my daughter that it's very hard work. We only have one and I think it's the best of both worlds - you get to experience being a parent but it is so much easier to have time to yourself, advance our careers, have spare money etc.

Both of my chikdren have said they don’t want children when they grow up (currently aged 12 and 9) and when I asked them why they said, “Because we can see how tired you and daddy are ALL the time!”

My children know I adore them but I do tell them how much of a responsibility it is and that they need to think really hard before having them and whether they are prepared to make all the sacrifices involved.

I agree with this!

My sister had her children when she was 22 and 25 and at the age of 40 she pretty much had her life back. She’s 43 now and is totally free to live her life however she wishes.

I however had my children at 31 and 33 and at the age of 42 I am knackered and my life is centered around my children and will be for at least another decade I imagine.

I’m so jealous of my sister 😔

@ScaredButUnavoidable but didn’t you enjoy your freedom in your 20s? DP and I have struggled to have a kid but are finally a few weeks away, but older than ideal. However I am quite happy that I had a lotttt of fun in my 20s and early 30s before trying for a kid and have no desire for that kind of freedom. My sister on the other hand has 4 beginning at 24 (the last came a lot later so is 6 to her 44) and I just feel a bit bad for her that she never had a free and wild time. That being said, she has the most fulfilling and successful career, appears in plays in our local theatre and has a huge friend group and social life, so she seems to have it sorted. And is also very encouraging of her daughters to have children in their 20s (annoyingly) using my story as a warning tale. Maybe some people truly are just cut out to be parents without feeling like they’ve also given themselves up. I’m on the precipice of becoming one and am very curious as to how I’ll feel!

There’s an entire Mners Without Children board on here, OP, if you want to encounter people who, in many cases, made a decision you seem to wish you had made?

Not really - I worked full time for two years after leaving college to save up to go to Uni, then spent 3 years at Uni, to go straight into full time work at a very stressful job.

I went out on a Friday night with my friends like most normal people do, but my sister came too as her partner would be at home with the children so she didn’t miss out on anything that the rest of us weren’t doing. We’d also go away for weekends every now as a friendship group but again, but my sister would still be with us as the children would be with their father at home.

I certainly wasn’t living any kind of high life as a result of not having children young. The only difference between mine and my sister’s life when she had her children was probably that I got to go abroad a few more times than her and the holidays were most likely less stressful than hers 🤣

She’s only a year older than me but she has a much more fulfilling life than I do, she does a lot more, she goes away a lot more, her social life far exceeds mine and she certainly gets more sleep than I do 🤣 She also brings home more money than I do (despite not having gone to Uni) as she has no childcare fees to pay for 🤣

Another benefit of having children young is that generally the grandparents are younger too and able to help out with childcare and reduce childcare costs! (in situations where they are happy to do so).

Me and my husband are going to be mid-50’s / heading towards our 60’s by the time our youngest reaches 18 and I certainly can’t see us living the kind of life my sister does when we are at that age; especially if our children are still living at home or needing financial support of some kind.

I know a lot of people recommend having children at an older age and “living first” but I’m not one of them.

Most people don’t meet “the one” and get married/settle down until their late 20s-early 30s though do they so later parenthood cant really be avoided, but it definitely has its downsides in my opinion.

@ScaredButUnavoidable really good point about grandparent care, this will be very much the case for us. Plus our child will have less time with their grandparents just because of age. I suppose I was thinking narrowly about my own experience—I went to art school and did a post grad and masters (almost fully funded by government/scholarship or grant) and lived very cheaply in a grim flat (but like… fond memories?), then suddenly got a lucrative job in my field. Edited to add, that the education thing was basically a good decade of self focus and growth that I can’t see would be possible with children. A lot of women in art very much choose to be child free). Self employed so preparing for being unable to work in a very fun job for a good while (12 hr days, living away from home), but I’m hoping I get to remember who I am after the first parenthood hurdle, and to find work that’s fulfilling but more flexible.

Our sisters sound very similar! Like parenthood never held them back from most things. Her (high school sweetheart) husband is stable and supportive and she is driven and full of fun and energy. I met my partner late and we will also be pushing 60 at their 18th. Maybe struggling to conceive for 5 years is a good middle ground training, as infertility robs you of your freedoms but without actually having a child to love/watch grow. I wonder what advice I’d give to my own daughter if they’re a girl.

Anyway, sorry I’ve sidetracked the point of the thread. I suppose those who find in themselves regret for having had children will never know how it feels to be unable to have them. So giving advise on whether or not to have children can never come from a fully informed place. And clearly everyone has different capacities of energy and for chaos, toleration. Time will tell for
me!