How to cope when husband works away

[wanderingwillows]

I have a nearly 3yo and a 4 week old newborn. Husband goes back to work next week and his boss is asking him to work 3 x weeks away over the next 6 weeks. Obviously life is not easy at the moment and I am terrified of being left on my own for full weeks with both kids. Sorry if that sounds pathetic - I didn’t expect to feel like this but I’m extremely tired.
How do people cope? Any tips? I’m going to ask my mum to stay for one of the weeks but she can’t do all of them. I really mainly need help on a morning pre-9am and then at bedtime with both of them - does any sort of help exist for this? I just need an extra pair of hands!!!

Can you afford to pay someone to come in and help? Lots of students around looking for p-t work.

When my second was born my DH was working in the US at least one week a month and it was very difficult but not unmanageable as I would tell the 3 year old he had to be mummy’s helper as he loved getting nappies and wipes and entertaining his brother by playing peekaboo type thing. I made sure we had food in the freezer ( I would double recipes and freeze half when I wasn’t home alone) so a quick heat up and we had dinner, we made sure all laundry and housework was up to date ( bed sheets etc towels) before he left so I didn’t actually do any cleaning really until he got back ( just kept the place ticking over so to speak) we ate out if things were bad and saw friends a lot to keep my head sane and if I needed a break I used cbeebies. It was a different mindset than when I had help it was more a “do what you need to to get by” DH totally understood as I worked Saturdays sometimes and would get back to a tornado house as he hadn’t managed to keep on top of the mess for just one day! Go easy on yourself and you will cope better than you think probably

How far away does your DM live? I’m just wondering if she can have the 3 year old stay a couple of nights or if she can come over in the evening a couple of times?

Is DC1 in Nursery or Preschool?

I know my answer didn’t address your request for ideas for help - but maybe a teenage for bedtimes to babysit (but with you there) I found that I did the baby first and the older one sat with me for stories where he turned pages while I breast fed and then we went into his room for final book and cuddles

If your oldest child has to watch loads of tv to give you a break, do it.
batch cook a load of pasta sauce, freeze it, if your 3 year old has to eat it multiple times a week for dinner, so be it. You get a takeaway after if you fancy something else.
get some play dates booked in if you know any other moms, save your sanity and might give you time to do some jobs/shower quick if they’ll come to you
baby in sling while you do bedtime for the eldest.
i feel for you, i wouldn’t want to do it either, but you can do it!

That will be tough, do you have a MIL that could help or any other relatives or friends? Great that your mum is coming to stay for a week. You will get through it.

It’s not the same at all but I’ve got 2 children with the same age gap (now just turned 4 and 7 months) and my husband is a paramedic and is out the house from before the kids are up to after they are in bed when he’s on dayshift and basically all day and night when he is on nightshift. So I’m very used to doing it alone and honestly he went back at 5 weeks and between 3-5 weeks I had imagined every worse case scenario to the point on the run up to his first day back I was convinced I had PPD but it was just the fear of the unknown. I promise you once you start doing it you barely remember how you didn’t do it. You make your own little routines and if anything it now goes less smooth when he’s home 😂. My biggest advice when the baby is that small for the mornings/bedtime routine is a sling. My second lived in one or on the boob until about 4 months, barely touched the floor and was still sitting unassisted at 4 months anbd crawling by 6 months 🙄😂. Easy dinners. I made about a months worth of meal prep when I was pregnant but if you don’t have that you couldn’t order something like stocked to keep you going. Only do the basics, hire a cleaner if you can afford one and take any and all help offered but you are going to smash it.

You don't sound pathetic, I'd be terrified too.

My DH wanted to go on a totally voluntary work trip when our first son was 4 weeks old. He told me this when our son was 1 week old. We lived abroad and I would have been completely alone. I told him if he dares to go, I'm changing the locks and filing for a divorce.

If your DH has no choice that's different but vast majority of employers do understand that people have newborns. If his career takes a slight hit, so what? Your career has taken a much bigger hit with 2 mat leaves.

My husband was away a lot when my two were small. I think others have said the same for bedtime- bath together so the baby is in one of those angel care bath seats, then pyjamas and feed the baby while reading to the toddler. I would then sit next to my toddlers bed while she fell asleep. I did start off sitting in it with her but one night the baby projectile vomited over the three of us!
I was lucky my eldest wasn’t an early riser so I used to bed share with the little one and feed her in the morning and change her nappy before the eldest woke up.
The baby bjorn seat is great if you don’t have one for having next to you with the baby in for getting them to sleep or keeping them content while you are busy. I also really rate the ergo baby embrace for ease of use with a new born.

I coped with this by having plenty of sleep, so sometimes going to bed with or soon after the children. It really helped. It’s not for ever.

It will be hard the first few times you have to do mornings and bedtime alone, BUT you can do it.

Plan ahead as much as you can (eg. think of everything you’ll need at bedtime and get it prepared in advance so you don’t end up with two kids in the bath and no towels, or whatever it is). Allow loads of extra time. A sling for the baby is just the most useful thing ever. Co-sleep with the baby so that you aren’t as tired, if that would help.

You’ll probably have some tough moments. I still remember one evening where the 2yo cried and the newborn cried, and I called my mum and cried (she told me to stop crying as then there’d be one less crying person to deal with 😂). BUT you might also look back on it kind of fondly and be glad you became so amazing at managing both children together. If you really don’t feel that way, maybe hire a nanny for some of the time.

I went on to have a third when the eldest was almost four, and managing three alone was a breeze compared to when I first had my second, just because I’d had so much practice. A friend of mine had loads of help with her second and I was a bit jealous, but she says she has really struggled with the third as she’d never learnt to manage more than one child at a time.

As someone who had a DH working away all of his career, and no mum to help, the only thing you need to do is make sure the 3 of you are fed and clean. Anything else is a bonus.
Get food delivered. Put toddler in nursery for some days. Clean when you can, but don’t stress over it.

Oh yes I forgot this - sometimes I would be in bed by 9 so that I would feel human the next day despite the wake ups with the baby

Aww OP I empathise, it is such a daunting prospect when you’re shattered but you will get into the swing of it. My advice is lower your standards and get a decent carrier/sling!

What I do is prepare as much as possible ahead of the trips - so when DH is around to share the load, try to get to the bottom of the laundry basket, make sure you have essentials in (for me I now specifically check for coffee, milk, toilet rolls, dishwasher tabs and bin bags - sadly learned from experience!), get DH to batch cook a couple of meals for the freezer. I also get a load of Cook meals in so I have a nice meal I can microwave if it all goes to pot! Also look ahead in your calendar before he leaves and share out any associated admin to minimise the stress of last-minute curveballs - eg a birthday you’d need a present for, a dress up day at nursery you’d need a costume for etc.

I always feel much better if I go out, even though it can take ages to actually get there! I often just walk to the local supermarket with a cafe - it combats the loneliness, gets everyone fresh air and it’s one less meal to cook!

What specifically do you think might be challenging about the mornings and evenings in particular? Is it getting things done for a set time, that so much needs doing at once, or something else? Just wondering if there’s anything practicality-wise we can help you think through. Eg our toothbrushes live downstairs and I have a changing table with all baby’s nappies, clothes, dummies etc by the back door so I don’t have to keep running up and down stairs and can do a speedy last-minute nappy change as we’re leaving the house if needs be. If you can think about what specifically you’re worried about we might be able to help with solutions!

If it’s more about timing, one thing I found helpful in the early days was working out a mental priority list…so eg baby’s first milk trumped eldest’s breakfast, but as soon as milk was done I moved onto breakfast, even if it meant putting baby in the pram to cry for a minute. And a tip I read somewhere helped a lot - I vocalised to baby that they needed to wait, and why, so: “I’m just putting you down for a minute to make your brother’a breakfast, you just need to wait for a minute then I’ll come back.” Obviously baby doesn’t understand yet, but it’s really good for eldest to see that they’re not the only one having to wait constantly.

My husband works away for 4-6 week blocks at a time.
it’s rough at first but honestly you just get on with it. You find a new routine.

I get really organised with the food shop (delivery) and meal planning so it’s one less thing to think about.

you’ll be fine x

My husband worked away when my two were tiny and it starts really hard but you’ll find your routine.

when my youngest was tiny I just did bedtime with the older one with the baby with me. I’d hold him while reading a book etc. I found that easier. If my eldest got up early I’d let her watch the iPad in my bed while I got more sleep, have some happy memories of having Hey Duggie and Charlie and Lola on in the background while I was dozing.