How can I manage my boys' behaviour after their dad left?

[Gagapool]

I’m at my wits end with my boys. I have 3 boys aged 4-8, and a baby girl. Their behaviour and fighting is getting unbearable

for some context, they’ve always been boisterous and some would say wild but lately it’s got so so much worse, for the younger 2 especially. My exDH left abruptly 10 weeks ago after having an affair, which has obviously had an effect on them and is probably the cause of the behaviour worsening. I also am drained mentally and physically and patience runs thin.

5yo is angry all the time, lashes out at his siblings - hitting, kicking, punching. His attitude is awful, if I tell him to do something/to stop doing something he goes ‘nope’, says he doesn’t care, laughs. I also think he blames me for the divorce because it seems he hates me, and asks for his dad all the time

4yo is following his lead. He’s taken cheeky to the next level, he’s not as aggressive but will fight back hard. Anything he knows is naughty, he’ll do it. Anything I tell him not to do, he’ll do it. And he doesn’t give a f about consequences. He’d rather get the punishment and still do the naughty things

8yo has ADHD, he’s hyper and loves nothing more than winding people up. He’s also very sensitive, so if someone winds him up he lashes out. He’s very hurt that his dad has left

The mixture of them all is awful. Oh and they’re all absolute angels at school, constantly getting rewards, teachers adore them, parents adore them. They’re lovely and polite and kind and caring for everyone else except each other and me.

we have a reward chart which is constantly used, the threat of taking a point off does work most of the time but the behaviour continues 5 mins later. I do time outs too. Taking toys off them doesn’t work as they’re more than happy to just play with something else

I’m really fed up. Every day is a battle and I count down the minutes until it’s over. There’s constant shouting, fighting, crying, screaming - our neighbours must hate us. really dreading the summer holidays

any advice? Tips? Do I need to go military on them?

I have 4 boys, aged 14, 12, 9 & 7.

You have to be incredibly firm with them.

"That is not respectful."

"We do not talk to each other like that!"

"Brothers before others!"

And follow up with appropriate consequences. Pay now or pay later.

"If someone says stop, it means NOW. You don't keep going until they start crying."

Being a parent of multiple boys comes with big responsibilities. Don't allow them to ignore you.

I think you need to talk to their HT so that the school knows they are traumatised and acting out. It is understandable for children to release all their pent up rage and grief at home after behaving well all day
Ask if the school can offer support.
Their dad is a truly awful person. Does he not care about his children?
Also, I think it is fine to actually acknowledge their feelings. " I know you are angry and sad that daddy has left, and so am I, but I am here, I am not going to leave you and we will love and look after each other. Things will get better".
Discipline is important but so is love, reassurance and understanding.

But what happens if they do?

This has a lot of good, effective strategies and is a really good starting point.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Getting-Little-Blighters-Behave-Claire/dp/147294674X/

Do they know this is a tough time for you, too? If not, I'd suggest @endofthelinefinally 's approach, or similar.

This.

In your case it's obviously their dad's fault - he's turned their world upside down and made them feel completely rejected and insecure. It's fairly classic boundary testing to unconsciously check if you'll leave too.

They need to know you love them unconditionally and understand that they're sad, angry and terrified, but they still need boundaries more than ever, to feel safe.

Punishment doesn't really work especially for such young children and one with ADHD, but it's incredibly difficult for you given the ages, the fact there are three of them, the ADHD in the mix and you have a baby too.

Home start still exists, maybe see if they can help with a volunteer to divide and conquer a bit, or just look after the baby in your home and give you a couple of hours off to have a nap or go to the shop without the kids or do life admin while the school aged ones are at school .

https://www.home-start.org.uk/when-a-relationship-ends

So sorry OP that sounds so hard. Will their dad take them at all? also is it possible to increase their sports time / outdoor time? i think i would sign them up for as many sports as possible to wear them out and keep them busy.

I would also be fairly explicit that their DH’s actions are not your fault (or theirs) and you will not tolerate being blamed for them.

My dd was 5 when her dad left and she blamed me too. I put up with her awful behaviour for quite some time before i realised she needed loving boundaries. It was so very hard to implement so I can’t imagine what it would be like with four.

I have 5 boys and I do think you need to be very firm about fighting/rudeness/boisterous behaviour. I would come down hard - think sending to bed rather than time out, removal of treats (sweets, ice-cream after dinner, tv time) rather than taking a toy away. Screaming and shouting isn't necessary but a very firm tone, low voice and say it like you mean it and immediately follow through with consequences. They need to know you mean business!

Are they having contact with their dad? He's an absolute tosser obviously for having an affair and walking out on you and 4 kids but he should be having them all on a regular basis. You need a break too!

I would have a word with the school and let them know that your boys are struggling since their dad left. Have you got some good support yourself? Lean on family and friends a bit if you can 💐

You get creative. If you have 4 children, you have to find a way. This is career parenting.

I really sympathise with you @Gagapool as while my setup is different, and I have a boy and a girl, I still don’t really like parenting them together. Apart, they are lovely children but together the dynamic alters and they just seem to trigger the absolute worst in one another and wind one another up.

No idea what the answers are. Separate, I can implement firm but kind boundaries and insist on reasonable behaviour with little effort. Together, I … well, I can’t, quite honestly.