Feeling so overwhelmed going from 1 child to 2.

[Mummacato]

I have 2 beautiful daughters 1 is nearly 3 and the other 3 months old. I am finding the transition from 1-2 children so hard. It’s great as I’m now more confident than I was with my first but I am just getting so stressed by the constant mess and having to watch my toddler 247 around my 3 month old and feeling so disconnected from all of my friends and even my partner. We don’t get a great deal of support and our toddler is very wonderful but very high energy and extremely clingey to me. So I am doing every bedtime and I do all week with my 3 month old getting up in the night as my partner is working the next day. I have really bad sciatica and everything feels hard at the moment! I know this was all my choice but I didn’t think it would feel as hard as it is! Can anyone else relate? Any advice.

Does your partner drive for a living, a surgeon or other profession? If not then he needs to pull his weight in the night and at bedtime! You work too, looking after the baby all day. The 1 to 2 transition was brutal for me, and my husband was supportive and involved. My mental health would have plummeted if I’d had to do so much on my own. Sending love and hugs at such a hard time. My DS is 1 now? And it’s not easy but it’s SO much nicer l.

Why can't your partner help in the night and give you a lie in at weekends? You need to be able to rest.

Of course it's hard with a 3 year old and a baby! Don't beat yourself up, I think nearly every new mother feels this way. It's a big adjustment for everybody, your 3 year old is used to having your undivided attention and is bound to play up and be clingy with a new sibling on the scene!

Can dad do some bedtimes so that you can have a sit down? Can he have baby for part of the evening so you can get some sleep? Can he get up with both so you can have a lie in at the weekend?

I think it helps to try and get some sort of routine/rhythm to your day - use baby's nap times to have some one on one time with your toddler, get them out for a walk every day to the park or the shop, there's nothing wrong with plunking down on the sofa with both of them and watching a bit of cbeebies either! If you have any friends with similar age children, invite them over for lunch and play in the garden - it will do you good to have company. It will get easier as baby gets older and you will get into a more manageable routine with 2 of them. Be kind to yourself, it's a real juggling act at the moment 💐

Your husband needs to grow the fuck up and help take care of the children he helped make, funny how when women go back to work she isn't made exempt from night wakings and it isn't like you get to catch up on sleep with a 3yr old around either!

No excuses op, he has to parent at night also.

Yep. I went back to work full time when my son was 7 months old and teething. He woke every 2 hours for my first month at work. No one made any excuses for me, I just had to deal with it. I was also in tremendous amounts of pain because of pregnancy I had not recovered (seriously, couldn't even walk more than 10 minutes) but I had to be a parent and also work. I was also breastfeeding and pumping at work. I literally got zero rest.

Funny how women make it work.

Your partner at the very least needs to be taking over your toddler and his bedtime the second he gets home.

I’m currently 7 months into the transition with the same age gap. I found the first 2 months incredibly hard but then found my feet. I do most bedtimes and overnights solo because of my partners shifts but if he could be around to help he would. Overnights are one thing for me I breastfeed and see no need for both of us to be tired so I just do them all but your 3 year old needs to start getting put to bed by her dad. My oldest is also incredibly clingy to me and is a mummy boy to his core but from when he stop breastfeeding around his 1st birthday we have always done that my husband puts him to be the 3 nights he’s not on shift. Sometimes there will be tears but ultimately we just tell him that we both love him so much and he’s so much fun to put to bed that we need to share it and sometimes when we think he’s not listening we joke argue about who gets to put him to bed. Does your 3 year old put herself to sleep? I think that’s one key thing for me that after he’s had his books/cuddles/tonie I just leave him and he goes to sleep himself. Also you say watch your 3 year old round the baby? Are you worried about her hurting them? That was one of my favourite things about the age gap was not having to worry about that very much. At that age I just to bring the playmat in the kitchen and put the baby down on that and my 3 year old would just play around her while I cooked/dishwasher/cleaned etc.
other lifesavers

• sling, my baby barely touched the ground in her first 4 months. She would sleep in their and I’d do table top activities with my oldest like board games, jigsaws, colouring etc
• cleaner. I have a huge house and can not afford a weekly cleaner to do everything as much as that would be a dream but I get a fortnightly deep clean of the 4 bathrooms and kitchen and that really helps me keep on top of things.
• get a robot hoover
• make your husband a list. People are so against this but men are blind to the obvious. My husband bloody loves a list.
• make extra dinner for lunch the next day
• a special box for your oldest when you are busy with the baby. Things she’ll love and can do independently, even chuck in some treats.
• get your imagination going, tell and make up stories and pretend play while you are sitting down with baby for them to act through
• get outside. Even if it’s driving to get you a coffee and your oldest a treat and then driving home again

Thank you all for the advice. My partner isn’t a surgeon or or anything like that but he got a new job before baby was born and it’s a much more senior role so it’s quite a big step up so I was being kind letting him settle in but it’s now just sort of a given I’ll do the week. We do definitely need to get into a better routine but think we are both struggling with the transition as my 3 year old isn’t a great sleeper either and I have been downstairs with the baby and he’s upstairs and our toddler comes in mostly every night and sleeps across the bed and then just throws massive tantrum if you try and move her. The second baby seems a lot calmer than our first already but it’s just definitely a juggling act I’m struggling with. I find it hard getting out the house with them both as my 3 year old is a little monkey for running off. I had her on my own one day this week and she had me doing laps of the park chasing after her so the thought of trying to do that with both is terrifying me. So when I have them both I feel confined to the house. The tv seems to be on 247 at the moment which I am constantly feeling guilty about! It just feels like an emotional rollercoaster and on the days I have them both I always seem to end up in tears by the end of the day.

Have you tried playgroups? The one I go to, run by the local church, has a number of amazing volunteers. I really appreciate that my child is in a safe place where I can keep a close eye on her but also generally get a little break and a cup of tea, as she loves playing with others there too. I know it is only a little thing, but I have been thinking with my second baby on the way that this kind of environment is much easier than, say, being in the park with a toddler and a baby. Is there something similar near you that could allow you to get out the house but in a more confined environment, perhaps where there are also other helpful adults?

@Mummacato I remember that stage well, my two were the same age gap. I literally gave up on the house and just did the bare minimum. It freed up my time to just focus on the kids. Feeding baby, then playing with toddler. Our house was a mess until the eldest started school but we were all happy and that was the main thing.

New job or not, senior position or not he still needs be helping in the night. It isn't fair or acceptable that he's allowed to go to work on a full nights sleep, yet you're expected to parent on little to no sleep. Looking after two little ones is HARD work, you have to be on the go, make decisions, juggle needs and drive them about. You need sleep too!

Is your eldest in nursery soon? I had an identical age gap and wouldn't have coped otherwise if my eldest didn't do his 3 days in nursery!

So my oldest was 2.5 when my second was born (now 9 months old). My oldest is insane and very active so I can relate to your situation! My husband had also started a new job a few months before our second was born.
Firstly, your husband should be helping you in the night. I understand that he needs to be able to function at work, but for a temporary period he will have to just work with less sleep. It’s not forever, just a few months until the baby sleeps longer stretches. What worked for us was I would feed the baby during the night but my husband did nappy changes. So when baby woke my husband would change his nappy, pass the baby to me and then go back to sleep. Then I’d feed the baby and settle him back to sleep. So overall my husband had more sleep through the night. Then when the baby woke at like 4 or 5am he’d take the baby downstairs and hold him whilst he slept, so I could get an hour or two of undisturbed sleep.

Then I really urge you to try to get out of the house each day - I know it’s tricky but it will make you feel like you’ve accomplished something and the change of scenery is good for both kids. Go to church playgroups, toddler classes, the library, a friends house, an open play area and take a picnic. (The first few months I also had the TV on for my toddler a lot as the baby would only nap on me, so we spent a lot of time cuddling, watching tv on the sofa whilst the baby slept! It’s just another temporary phase).
Does your daughter go to nursery at all? Or can family have her for an afternoon once a week or something? Might just help you to feel more rested as looking after a baby who doesn’t move is less physically tiring than running around after a toddler!

Everything got much easier once the baby got into more of a routine at about 6 months - moved to his own bedroom at night, down to 2 naps a day in his crib etc. It’s made the days easier to plan. Things will get easier for you :)