My 11 year old has no friends help please !

[Mummabear123456]

Hello to all parents, wondering if anyone of you are going through the same as me right now, as a parent to my 11 year old daughter I feel so helpless seeing her not have no friends and don’t understand why?!
she is a very sensible and kind child with a big heart, kids at school exclude her from playing and don’t invite her to no birthdays etc some have claimed to be her friends but turn there backs when it suits them!
i am trying to find clubs for her to attend as I have heard this is a good option to make friends but the only hobby she has interest in is gardening which they don’t have many of those in are local areas for kids, she is a brilliant singer too so we have looked into singing lessons.
we have lots of family with some kids her age but they are boys and seem to have a quick chat to her but that’s about it.
i am so sad for her but at the same time I try to stay positive when speaking to her.
do any other parents have any experience with the same problem?? If so what did you do??? Could really use some advice please?????
thank you

Just wanted to say I’m the same with my 11yr old son. He’s such a kind an thoughtful boy, also loves gardening. So different to his peers who are only his friends when they want to be.
he won’t attend any clubs so I am at a complete loss.

Is she in Y6 or Y7? She might meet more friends at secondary school?
Clubs sounds like a good idea. How about a drama group? Some theatres run a week long project in the school holidays.
How about any church run groups, guides scouts or any youth groups etc.

Have friendships always been difficult or is it a recent thing? 11 can be a tricky age, with lots of changes socially. Guides/ scouts are good activities.

3-4 years friendship bonds was a lot easier being so young I guess but after that it was not easy making friends, thank you I will offer drama club

Thank you I will offer drama club, I have suggested scouts etc but no interest with those ones

I feel for you as I completely understand how it is going through the same, does your son attend secondary school

Same question about which year she is in.

im wondering whether to speak to her class teacher/form tutor? Are there some behaviours that are not helping her form these friendships? She sounds absolutely lovely and sweet, I’m just wondering if the teacher would say, she chooses not to play their games, (maybe their games are too rough/or too babyish). Might be worth a chat.

year 6, I have asked teachers and they seem to say she seems fine at school and does talk to people (not much help)

Secondary school is going to be a chance for a new start. If you can have a look at the range of clubs available at the school and see if there’s anything she might like. My own DD is 14 and if I can give any advice it’s that they don’t like to stand out too much. They all dress identically so if there’s a look that they’re into at her school - some bag or shoe that’s crucial then let her have them if you can. Other than that the singing is really going to carry social currency. My daughters school did a production of Six and apparently the 6 leads had amazing voices ( one was only year 7). They all admire a range of female singers at the moment so I can’t see how singing lessons could hurt as well as maybe a choir or a theatre group. Do Stagecoach have anything near you?

Is she bothered?

I will check it out thank you

I've found ages 9- 11 really tricky to navigate with friendships as they change so much in that period and old friendship groups break up. Does your daughter say she has no friends and this is a problem for her? Does she want more friends? Does she feel excluded? Only as the teachers say she appears fine at school, is there a problem that needs to be fixed, especially if she is going to high school in September and will have opportunities for new friends there. Drama groups are a great idea. As she likes singing, maybe a choir?

She tells me that no one wants to play or know her at school, she wants friends to hang out with and talk to she’s told me this she gets lonely, I think at this point even one friend would be amazing.
I def think I will be checking out drama clubs lots have advised this thank you

Oh it's so hard...my eldest was like this as he was not sporty, hated football and was quite geeky, and he was in a year group at primary with a larger % of boys who all loved football. He loved Scouts and made a couple of connections there, but it was really not until Year 7, when he went to secondary school and found his people that he flew.

I think drama/singing is a good shout. Also, my boys' secondary school does have a gardening club, so perhaps there may be opportunities in Y7 for your DD - or if not, perhaps she could suggest it as a club and see whether she can find a green fingered teacher/prefect/group of like minded children to start one?

Can she invite people over/go out/do an activity one on one? Maybe another child that is a bit lonely or not fully entrenched in a specific group? Or simply other girls that are generally nice/kind/have things in common. Even if they don’t become best friends it can help to build closer bonds and the dynamic is different.

I think guides has gardening badge etc?

It is so hard and feeling helpless, I wish they did have more garden clubs around for her to start now with weather being so lovely too. Thank you

Aw I'm sorry to read this. It's horrible for her, and for you to watch.

Ds didn't have friends aged 11. Well he had one occasional friend. He never went out at weekends or in the evenings. He was on the fringes of everything. Not excluded from anything but not warmly included either. People were nice enough to him if he turned up but never thought to ask him to come along.

He found more people at high school through a random shared interest. Now hes 18 he has a friend group of 3 or 4 people. He's happy with that. They're going on a summer holiday together in July. He chats to people at work and at college but doesn't hang out with them as such.

So he's never going to be massively sociable but he's happy. I hope your dd gets there too.

I wish there was some nice kids at her school but there isn’t, they all seem to have there certain ‘groups’ she did have a friend who was in a younger year then her who was lonely but they left the school recently which hasn’t helped. Thank you

If she’s a good singer, choir outside school so she has friends that aren’t at school? Church or youth choir. As she gets older there are summer choir camps, they were lifelines for me as a child with no friends at school.

Our high school also has a gardening club. It’s invite only as they spend some curriculum time doing it so it might be worth reaching out to her secondary in advance to see if they offer it.

If she loves singing I would look for a community choir. My DD is in one for year 6-7s and she absolutely loves it. It can be a great way to make new friends.

Have you chosen high school well? For a quiet, unassuming kid, it's important she doesn't get lost in the hustle and bustle of a big school.

Does she play an instrument? A school orchestra is a great activity for socially anxious children. They don't have to make much conversation but have a shared goal.

Choir is a good shout. Is there a cathedral choir where you live? If she is good, they'll bite your hand off to have her. Singing lessons are also good, but not that sociable, good for confidence.

The problem is, if she is only interested in gardening and nothing much else, it might be that she can't easily relate to groups of girls and seems uninteresting to her peers at this stage. It does help for her to be open-minded and have a range of interests, as well as taking a genuine interest in others.

Would you consider sending her to a summer residential? Encourage your DD to learn a sport, which is fantastic for secondary school, even if she just starts to run and gets into an athletics club. Sign her up for netball classes so that she gets picked for the team in September.

Drama is also great. Is there Stagecoach or something similar near you? If she isn't naturally sociable (yet), work on her talents. Also make sure she has a nice rucksack for school and generally good clothes when she starts high school. These things can smooth social difficulties out. Does she read? It is time to me her on to books that older girls read so she can take part in chats about that.

Sometimes it just takes that one friend, in or out of school, to give them the boost to strike up more friendships and be seen as someone who isn't friendless. Make sure your DD has a phone and is able to communicate with new friends in secondary school.

Having said that, girl friendships aged 9 - 16 can be nightmarish. Hormones, competitiveness, frenemies and a general lack of social nous at that age. Be prepared for a roller-coaster ride. Lots of supportive chats with your dd and try not to catastrophise.

Have you tried your local Wildlife Trust?
They have groups for children, my DD attended as a teen.

Based on your updates I would focus on social skills for meeting new people at secondary school and just gritting her teeth through the last half term of yr6.

Do you have any forest schools nearby? There’s one near me for 8-12 and another for 13-17.