Friendships with other parents - exhausting!

[Alittlebitweary]

Feeling really fed up! I saw an article in the paper the other day about how competitive mums can be and how difficult it can be to find genuine friends who are not using their children to compete with yours/you. I actually felt a sense of relief it wasn’t just me but looked at all the comments and many were saying if you can’t find good friends in your children’s friend’s parents you’ve sent your child to the wrong school or it’s your fault because there is something wrong with you. Is that really how people feel? I’ve definitely found making really down to earth and straight forward friends hard - there always seems to come a point where it gets a bit strained and I feel like I’m in a competition I didn’t want to enter! Like I’m on a hamster wheel of clubs and tests that have nothing to do with me. What am I doing wrong?! I’m honestly not weird, I like going out and having a laugh and just want a relaxed, banter-y type relationship where we want the best for each other. I’m not a social climber though and find it really hard when I see people I’m friends with pursing friendships with people they have told me they don’t like, just so they aren’t left out or in the hope of developing their own child’s social life. I then see their children do the same - take the mickey out of people and then the next day they seem to be best buddies for one positional reason or another. It just feels so fake and I struggle to get past people being disingenuous. I know there are lovely people out there! I always feel like I must be odd in some way. Anyone else experience what I’m describing? I can’t really articulate it all but I feel like I’m back at school and it is really tiring! Are people just friends with people they don’t really like and they are just playing a game?! All feels so graspy. Maybe I am weird….

I guess I’m fortunate I’m generally a bit oblivious and being bullied at school made me develop a slightly thicker skin, so I have coping mechanisms, largely tell on myself repeatedly that it doesn’t matter, but I do understand what you mean. I also simply don’t have capacity to pursue non reciprocal friendships. I know they exist and there’s a world of mums having coffee mornings I’m not part of, but that’s ok.

That article does sound like a pile of bull. A bit like NCT groups, just because you have same age kids in common doesn’t mean you’re going to be friends! Actually the mum’s I’ve formed the strongest friendships with (I have a couple) are the ones with a life most similar to mine. We all work so the kids are at wraparound together and we are experiencing the same sort of stresses of guilt and logistics juggle. Plus we have similar ish income and expenditures so we align on days out and so on.

Also, as kids get older, who they are friends with evolves and soon you’ll never meet the parents. Unless it’s really getting you down, don’t worry about it.

In the end I gave up trying to be friends with other parents. That release from expectations made life so much easier. I was a lonely parent, but we instead leaned into our existing friendships, family and so on. Again these were very limited (as old friends didn't have kids) but we filled our time with taking my son to groups and doing stuff on our own, e.g. park, activities, clubs. I had to fill that gap with clubs for him. It was much easier once I accepted that other parents were not going to step into a friendship and I just focussed on what we could do elsewhere instead.

I found mums at school blanked me, ones I met out and about would be friendly but never more than random occasional meetups which were still fraught with strange interactions and confusing responses. I don't think it was just related to me personally or my kid but perhaps the town we lived in, or the nature of the parents themselves. So hard OP.

Lower your expectations and focus on yourself, that is all I can say.

I made a conscious choice to send my children to a school which wasn’t the one everyone was trying to get into, as the area is more mixed, while still fairly affluent, it borders on areas with mixed demographics. I have genuinely never encountered this sort of this, however friends at the ‘better’ school do experience it. It seems likely to be related to the demographic, would you feel this is the case?

At the ‘better’ school parents have a lot more money, bigger fancy cars and more holidays, there feels to be an element of competition. One of my children plays in a sports team with all children from the school so we have a lot of crossover. My area/school is a bit more left leaning/green vibe and it just feels friendly, down to earth and inclusive. The school still attains very well, just a bit less so, as well expected with a much higher proportion of children with English as a second language. We are in a more affluent area of a large Northern city for reference.

@acquiescence yes I’d totally agree about the demographic bit. I’m just so sad that it’s the case! Our area is lovely but seems to be full of people congratulating themselves and each other on being part of a select group. My children attend private school and I’m sad to say there is a lot of that there too. Would love for everyone just to chill out a bit!!

Also @acquiescence we are in an affluent area of a large northern city too. Sounds like you thought ahead a bit more than me - maybe I might have chosen a different school (although my daughter loves school itself) if I’d have known.

I've never really had friendships with other parents. I only see them at pick up and drop off but even then it's only a few of them as dcs do clubs after school. I don't get bothered by it, the only thing you have in common is same age kids after all and the friendships won't endure once dcs move to different secondaries. Our family keep ourselves busy with lots of extracurriculars, days out and holidays so it's easier not to try to meet up with them anyway and fit them into our schedule. I don't get caught up in competitive chat and don't discuss things that our dcs do or tests scores. , or what we do for work.

it’s bizarre to me how people talk about “school mums” as if they are a completely different species. I blame Motherland a bit-people forget that it was exaggerated wildly for comic effect and think of it as a documentary. Then they project the behaviour of the characters onto real people.

My children at at two different schools at the moment and the difference between parents is huge, the areas aren't particularly different although one is a bit more mixed than the other. The one school parents don't make eye contact, don't even smile or say hello so I don't engage with anyone there either. The other school most parents smile, say hi and I have lovely chats with most of them. There are of course a few clicks who turn their nose up but they're everywhere. It's strange really but I cba with those who think they're better than everyone else. I only chat to those who are kind. Have you organized any playdates and got to know any mums better.

"if you can’t find good friends in your children’s friend’s parents you’ve sent your child to the wrong school or it’s your fault because there is something wrong with you"

Absolute rubbish, don't berate yourself over such nonsense @Alittlebitweary

You have done nothing wrong.

I think that’s the thing about parenting that’s so hard - we can just try to do our best without any real idea of how it will pan out.

You sound lovely, I hope you will find your parenting tribe at some point. There are so many years of schooling, plus extra curriculars, so lots of opportunity to cross paths with different people.

I disagree. The reason Motherland was successful was because it was an astute commentary on school mums.

On a side note, I do think that going back to school runs and so on, and being around mums with kids when you have kids is quite triggering, because it brings up playground vibes for a lot of parents. Totally reminded me of being back at school and the bitchy cliques that go with it.

Doesn’t have to be exhausting. I treat the other parents like colleagues - try to maintain friendly light tough relationships with all for the greater good. Any hint of competition and I lean into it and big up the competitive person in case they’re one of the insecure types (as the overtly competitive often are). My ‘real’ friends are the ones I’ve known for years through thick and thin, and having children is irrelevant to those friendships. Having said that, one of my DC’s friend’s parents has become a genuine friend and that’s been lovely!

My girls were 6 years apart. The oldest girl. The parents were cliquey and I struggled to get on with any of them. My youngest the parents were down to earth and I made friends that I still have 15 years later. It was so variable. Just accept it’s that way and find different sources of friendship.

I think there will always be issues with people who go out with the intention of fimding friends rather than letting it happen naturally

I just make friends with who I happen to chat to over time, if it happens it happnes if not I do have a life outside of schooling, so no I have not come across any drama

everyone seems to talk of other people being in cliques, or the 'queen bee'; 'head mum' or whatever the latest expression is but no one ever admits to being it

It might work best to work on your whole life and not be so caught up in making friends

with the above I mean the general feeling on here not just this current version

My friends have never been other school mums. My friends are from school and uni and work. I am polite to dc’s friends parents and we do socialise a bit (BBQs, coming round for drinks, lift sharing, etc), but I wouldn’t consider them friends and I never sought out ‘mum friends’ so I think that really made a difference. There’s no drama. The people I’m friends with I have actual history with and we have real things in common and it’s nothing to do with our dc.

Youre not weird.. unless i am too😆 could never be arsed with that bullshit.. Be yourself and you may find some of the mums enjoying your company and dropping their crap, but i mainly stick with my real friends who i chose! You dont have to enter that other mad world!