How do I explain a close family death to a three year old?

[MammarOfOne]

I have an almost 3yo granddaughter who lives with me half the week and her dad the other half.
She was born 16 minutes after my DM passed away and she has saved our lives. I’ve had to be strong because of her and I honestly believe that she has kept my Step father (80yo) going too.

She is adored and loved by us all but she is especially close to DSF.

She sees my DSF Fri/Sat/Sun every week and we go out and do fun things, it’s so cute to see them together and she loves him so much. He’s definitely her favourite person.

Last month DSF was diagnosed with stage four metastatic cancer, we’ve been informed that he doesn’t have long.
At the moment we’re just carrying on as normal (and DSF is actually quite well) but how do I explain to a 3yo when he dies and she can’t see him again? She loves him so much and always asks to see him (and has a toddler tantrum when we have to leave). We’ve bought her a Toniebox for her birthday and DSF has recorded himself reading their favourite book and talking about a game they play etc for her to have in the future.

I just don’t know how to navigate this. When my DF passed my children were older and knew that he was dying (also had cancer) so it wasn’t a ‘shock’ to them but how do you explain to a 3yo? She’s recently been asking about my DM (she still has a room in DSF house and we talk about her all the time) but she never met her so I just say that she’s gone away and she accepted that but it’s not going to be that simple with DSF.

Sorry for rambling, I’m not doing well about it myself and the worry about telling GD is just the tip of the iceberg.

So sorry you are going through this.

I have a five year old and we recently have lost our two dogs, a cat and his Great Grandmother. He was so close to her.

I spoke with his school as he was getting quite upset at night and I just didn’t really know how to comfort him.

His teacher took some time with him and read him Grandads Island. It’s a book about a boy losing his Grandad but very child friendly.

We also read Love from Alfie McPoonst The Best Dog Ever, when we lost the boys. He was around four then and really struggled with them suddenly not being here.

Other than that the things you have already prepared sound lovely. My son has taken to having his GGM blanket over him at bedtime so maybe something like that too x

3 is the time when developmentally children start to understand that the world doesn't revolve around them, that there's a lot going on outside their circle and that they have no control over and that things can be impermenant. It's a really difficult time, as it's a very profound transition. This is why she's starting to ask about DM, she's starting to understand impermenance.

So I suggest being honest, that your DM (and when it happens DSF) have died, that means that they aren't around any more and that they aren't coming back. That we can say goodbye and we can remember them.

She may experiment with responses - this is a really significant developmental stage for her. She may say things which sound "horrible" like "I'm glad DSF isn't here anymore", or she may ask you detailed questions about your own or her father's death. She may get angry. It's important to remember she isn't doing it to be naughty or hurtful, she's learning how to manage her feelings and she's doing that by watching. Don't be scared of letting her see your feelings of grief, of explaining to her if she behaves inappropriately.

Unfortunately death is the only certainty in life. While it can be tempting to hide it from young children, doing that almost always causes more hurt further down the line

It sounds as though you are all going through a hard time and a questioning three year old isn’t helping ! I think you are doing a lovely thing by recording his voice telling her a story, it will be something to treasure.

Stories as suggested above are a good way to talk about death with young children as it can lead into conversations to relate back to their own experience. I can also recommend Grandad by John Burmingham. And the last Mog book, can’t remember the title.

“ the little girl and her grandad had a lot of fun didnt they. I expect she was very sad when he died and she didn’t see him any more.We were all very sad when grandad died weren’t we? I expect she looks at pictures of him and remembers all the things they did together, like we do.”

Personally I wouldn’t say that someone has gone away, the logic is that if someone goes they come back! I also would never use the analogy of sleeping or a special sleep. People die, we have a funeral to say goodbye to them, we don’t see them any more because they aren’t here any more. If you are religious there are built in stories to tell, if you aren’t you can choose a special star to be grandads star.

Bereavement sites like Winstons wish have good ideas for helping your child to start to understand death, it is a long process, expect to be answering questions and saying the same things for a long time to come as your daughter processes and begins to realise what dying means.

I also wouldn’t tell her her grandad is dying. He is very ill , and very tired and he loves her very much and is sending her kisses and hugs. A child’s understanding of time is flexible and if you tell her he is dying she will want to know when, and might think it will happen immediately and might worry about it “has grandad died yet”.

I am sorry you are going through this, it is always such a hard time for everyone.

The nicest explanation I ever heard was: he's gone to heaven to live with Jesus. Adapt to your religion accordingly.

I talk about heaven a lot when talking about animals, birds, insects as well as people passing away. I’m not religious but I think it’s comforting for children to think that souls go to a special place and we’re not on the earth forever.

Use the word died not passed away or went to sleep or they get scared of sleeping. Tell her his body stopped working and we won’t see him again.
lots of books are on Amazon which are great for this. Badgers parting gift,search my grandad died book etc. the invisible string is a lovely one to start reading now.
look up ‘grief puddle jumping’ so you know what to expect from her.

When people get very very old they get very tired and they have to go for a very very long rest. And they can’t come back from that rest because they’re so peaceful even though we miss them. They stayed as long as possible and DSF was so very very old but he stayed so she could play with him because he loved her. But he’s had to go for his long, forever rest now so we won’t see him again. Until, maybe, we go for our forever rest when we’re very very very old too.

Some people say not to say sleep and to make it clear he’s dead. Up to you. I think that can be a tricky concept.

My grandfather died when I was tiny. It didn’t cause any lasting damage because I knew he’d gone for a long rest and then.. well as I was so young I got past it pretty quickly.

The other thing I'd add that I've seen happen sometimes is that small children equate death to losing something. So for some children, losing a loved teddy bear is equivalent to death in their mind and/or they can be very calm about grandad dying and never seeing him again, then become hysterically upset when teddy goes missing.

This can be really distressing for an adult to hear, it can feel like your feelings of grief are being minimised. If it does happen, remember she's experiencing the same emotional level of loss between grandad and teddy. There is also an element of emotional transference - never seeing grandad again can feel so big, but never seeing teddy again is immediate and within her comprehension. If you find she's transferring her grief to objects, comfort her as you would if she was crying about your DSF, rather than trying to minimise or replace the object. This is a normal way of processing.

Just be honest. They have died. Don't say they have gone away etc. There are some children's books that deal with death in a sensitive manner so it may be worth goiglibg for one of those or perhaps another poster will know of one.

My dd was 4 when my sister, who she was very close to, died. We were honest, and clear. We told her, and her two older siblings (then aged 6 and 7) that their aunt was ill, and as it became clear that my sister wasn’t going to live, we let them know this gradually. When she died we told them this - deliberately using the word ‘died’ as we didn’t want there to be any ambiguity.

My four year old appeared to take it in her stride, although for several years she’d randomly mention her aunt. Eighteen years on she has little or no memories of her, but was certainly not traumatised by it.

Her older sister did play up at school at the time - not helped by the fact that her teacher was off sick, and didn’t get the message that my daughter was away for a funeral - the teacher thought it was a holiday. When my husband spoke to the school, and explained, the poor teacher started welling up!

My son (then 6) was probably the most visibly upset of the three - when we told them my sister had died, he cried. Then a few minutes later he told me that the doctors had got it wrong and my sister was still alive. I was very firm with him that this was not the case - but I think he clung to this position for some weeks.

Honestly, I think the most important thing is that you are truthful, and unambiguous.

Saying someone has gone away or gone to sleep is confusing for children.
I would not tell her that grandad is ill because that just causes anxiety. When he dies, tell her, “when we get old like grandad our bodies stop working and we die. Grandad has died, we won’t see him again, that’s sad because we miss him, but we will feel better after a while”. It might seem blunt, but it’s truthful - she will feel better a lot sooner than you.
Where is the child’s mother? I only ask because I wonder if she is also deceased and what you have said about it?