Confused by daughters boyrfriend choice?

[worriedabit]

Hello Everyone,

I am all very new at this and i am desperately in need of some wisdom. My 18YDD recently got her first boyfriend. He seems like a nice kid but a bit overly needy and honestly a total lack of ambition (hes barely passing college/plays video games till 3AM on school nights). DD on the other hand has big ambitions, straight A student and going to Oxbridge. However she suffers from low confidence and panics a bit in exams. And if i am honest she hasnt had much exposure to boys having attended all girls schools and maybe has a low self esteem.

This forum has been incredibly valuable, and i have used all the advice i have found on here. I have been open to him/listened to her and never judged. Acting more as a sounding bored than any form of judgement. After all she is 18 and free to make her own decisions.

My big concern is his neediness will take over her life, and she will lose focus away from her exams, at this cruical stage. And with his lack of ambition i dont want him to drag her down, and make her life miserable long term.

So my Question is this...

As a man i have always been told, that neediness is one of the most unattractive qualities in a man. So why is she not put off by this?

As mentioned she is free to make her own discussions. I just naturally worry. And i am curious as to why a brilliant young woman, full of promise, is attracted to an overly needy and unambitious young guy.

I just dont get it!

Thanks so much for reading this.

If it’s her first boyfriend I doubt very much that this is long term. You just need to let it play out and she will see the differences and that they are not a good match. You need to be the sounding board and non-judgemental for when it all goes wrong.

Things have changed. For women for grew up in the 80s, the idea was (often) men had to be protective and take-charge. Now, most people don't like that idea, and thankfully, women are happy to shine and not need to be a beta to the alpha male. As long as he's not nasty, just be happy. Maybe he'll do the majority of the housework/childcare and support her, and why not!

Hmm I’d be worried too. He sounds like a total loser. Imagine if he follows her to uni and basically ruins it for her? Rather than going out making new friends he will be there with her in her room. He’ll be texting her constantly when he’s back home, getting jealous when she’s out with other people…

Don’t know what you can do about it though….

Some of this can be immaturity but yes, I'd be worried about the prom and the jealousy.
You're obviously a great dad. All you can do at this stage is keep an eye out and always be there for your daughter. The less you are (openly) judgemental over him, the more she is likely to open up to her parents if anything is worrying her and her parents always her 'safe space'.

If being judgemental means wanting the best for your daughter and not for her to go out with a guy who can offer her very little. I'm judgemental.
Having been in that situation myself at 18 years old. That guy was a waster.

presumably she’s with him because she fancies him and he’s dedicated to her. Not a lot you can do to dissuade her. Focus on giving her good career / finance and life advice and she’ll perhaps naturally move forward in life without him. If she’s suffering from self esteem issues you could offer to fund some therapy for her.

I have twin 22 year olds and I’ve found the best strategy with both of my children (male/female and very different characters) is to voice your concern, but almost in a passing way and then leave them to think about it. It generally gets a better response than having a ‘serious’ chat (which they will perceive as a lecture).

In response to several of the examples you have given I think I would probably say “blimey that’s a bit intense” and then wander off or “wow, he’s certainly keen/moving fast/zealous” and then turn away. Don’t get into a discussion where she feels she has to defend him, just plant the seed. If she does express concern about how intense he is, your (and my) instinct will probably be to say “YES, HE’S A LOSER, GET RID”, but again probably best to agree with what she says, say it probably feels more intense because he knows she’s moving away and say that you (dad) are concerned that it’s going to be much harder to start at Uni while she’s feeling responsible for someone else. Then leave it there. It will be so much better if she comes to the realisation herself rather than you spelling it out.

Wow, I don’t usually give advice but I’ve learned the hard way about trying to have deep conversations with teens that think they know it all already!
Hope it helps, please let me know if you find another way!

Op as the mother of two YA DD’s, I would just sit back and play the long game. There is nothing you can do anyway except gently hint at your opinion but only when asked and keep supporting your dd from the sidelines.

I would maybe risk having one conversation about going up to Oxford being the opportunity of a lifetime and her giving it everything she has and participating fully in the social life on offer there as well as immersing herself in her study and being open to meeting as wide a cross-section of people as she possibly can.

Keep the lines of communication open. The most likely scenario is that she will become completely immersed in her uni life and the relationship won’t last. And if it does then I think it would mean that it works for them.

Ugh…sorry op, I would also hate for a daughter of mine to be in a relationship like this (I’ve been there myself).

Please encourage her friendships and remind her of her ambitions and what’s she’s working towards. If you start challenging her relationship then it could push her away (step in and remind her of red flags if you have that type of close relationship though). Make sure your relationship with her stays strong too. Boys like this sometimes like to distance their girlfriends from friends and family and that’s when the coercive control gets much worse.

Keep a close eye on it. Our DD met her BF when she was 18, he sounds the type your DD has met being needy, he was always the victim, love bombed her, couldn’t live without her, didn’t like to be left alone, questioned her when she was out with friends and moved to the same bloody city when she went to Uni. There were so many red flags but we were shut down when we tried to speak to her about it. 8 years on and we’re hanging on to her by our fingertips at the moment. She’s qualified now but he’s distanced her from everyone, she has zero friends left and he’s slowly distanced her from family too. The coercive control is frightening, wanting control of her bank cards etc. DD’s a shadow of her former self and if we dare mention the bank card situation she backs off and doesn’t contact us for months. We’ve learned to smile and nod to keep in contact with her. Tread very very carefully. Every time I’m forced to spend time with the prat I want to throat punch him, sorry but it’s how I feel, we haven’t seen DD alone for 4 years now, he always has to be present. Unfortunately there’s not a lot you can do except be there and hope to hell one day they see what they’re living with.

OP, this is the best advice. I totally agree with Gym

I had a friend who went to study at medical school had once got a boyfriend like that. He was nothing spectacular but clingy and needy in others (or my) eyes but my friend felt she was fully "accepted" by him and he was only person in the world did not have any "expectation" on her. She felt she could took a breather in her exam when she was with him. She felt so misunderstood by her parents when they told her to stay away from that boy.

Nevertheless, they broke up eventually once she's in uni when her coursework was getting more intense and she felt they were getting further apart as her social circle expanded in uni.

I am so sorry, this is utterly heartbreaking. You must want to grab her and take her home with you.

Could you suggest a girls’ weekend, or even just a day out, just she and you (and a sister or close aunt if there is one?). Perhaps for your birthday, tell her that’s what you’d like? When you’re away you could perhaps say how nice and relaxing it is and how it’s been ages since you’ve spent quality time together. Don’t mention him at all. Buy her a bit of freedom?

My heart honestly breaks for you x

We’ve tried literally every approach we can think of. DD’s former friends, siblings, aunts/uncles and cousins have tried so hard as well, he’s a master of control. If we plan something together he’ll plan something better and plans will be cancelled with us often at very short notice. His family are very controlling with her too and his mother is the worst regularly saying things like “if you leave he’ll be nothing, he’ll never cope without you, you’re the best thing ever to have happened to him” it’s horrible to watch. As an example of how far this man will go… she never came to her grandmothers funeral because he booked 4 nights away for her and his family over the same date “to help with her grief”. She was exceptionally close to her gran growing up. When DH tried to speak to him about it we never heard from DD for 7 months, we’ve learned to keep quiet and continually let her know we love her and are always here when she needs us. It’s a very difficult situation.

First boyfriends rarely last. It’s all exciting and new.
I wouldn’t worry too much.

As long as she knows that she has to concentrate on her exams is leave well alone.

Her horizons will expand when she goes to university and the relationship will fizzle out as she outgrows him.

A pp described him as a "starter" boyfriend which is a good way to look at it.

Now I have Open Your Window (Rev and the Makers) as an earworm.

Some people especially women like to feel like they are rescuing people. My SIL is a rescuer so has dated a series of absolute losers but it also gives her a misguided feeling of being superior on occasion.

What I will say is unfortunatley they choose who they want, you can only try to intervene if the partner is dangerous or doing something criminal. Due to the risk of being ostracised.

Women overall are generally much nicer than men it leads to a lot of heart over head decisions in life. Though I’m a woman I have very much been head over heart. I have a lot of sisters and adore my women friends but have been mystified over their affairs of the heart over many years.

My boyfriend at that age was a loser, and from what I know now he still is. I was an A student doing A’levels at grammar. He was my first boyfriend. He was nice enough but no ambition, not at work or school. I think it was just ‘first love’.
I think what helped me in the end was keeping up with my close friendships who had similar ambitions. I did go to Oxbridge, so not all was lost.
just be supportive, spend time with her, encourage friendships. Keep talking about the future, her goals and ambitions.

Most women find men threatening. I wouldn’t worry about it, it’ll probably fizzle out while she’s at uni.

This is the really hard part of parenting - but you have to trust her and she needs to live her own life. She may not have exactly the same life goals as you.

She is a mix of you and your wife’s genes, and she is also the product of years of your hopefully, wise and caring parenting. But she is her own person. You have to trust that she’s taken onboard enough of the right values to stay afloat. I agree ones first boyfriend is rarely a keeper.

Your job now is to stay far enough back so that she doesn’t feel your disapproval/concern, but close enough to offer advice when it’s called for.

She’s not long in the tooth enough to realise that neediness is in fact obsessive control. And I’ve seen a couple of your other responses and that sounds like that is exactly the case. He’s not giving her the space to breathe.

The issue here is you also can’t control her. However, you can organise to do things with her that don’t involve him and you can organise things that put a spotlight on how useless he is - think a family dinner or getting a load of her friends around where you celebrate what they’re all going on to do next. Men\boys like that love nothing more than to take a brightly shining star and dim its light, but you need to handle your objections in the most diplomatic and possibly even slightly manipulative way you can imagine because otherwise there is a risk he will weaponise any open objection to him

Need to define emotional honesty / integrity / vulnerability vs neediness. The former is healthy.

Your DD must be well thru the exam period now for A levels so I wouldn’t worry about her results as she already has an offer from Oxbridge she is clearly well capable.

I would focus less on his emotional flaws and concentrate total on addressing any emotional developmental deficits you see in your DD - because they will change her trajectory for life - if she dumps him she will just attract another problematic relationship and the pattern will continue.

Is she anxious or is she just a teenager navigating this tough world?

My first boyfriend at 16 was very meh, but he was very nice, safe feeling, unthreatening. Definitely felt like a “boy” my own age rather than a “man”.

The things you listed sound more like immaturity than coercion (but obviously it’s hard to tell).

Try to encourage her to keep doing things with her friends, and family things as well so the bf is only one part of her life.

Once she is off to uni it will naturally fizzle out probably. She will meet lots of different people and the shine will wear off.

This. There’s the double jeopardy element of being quite detached that will occasionally ‘blow up’ or has with my kids where they’ll say ‘I am telling you something here and you’re not really listening’ and then other times when we do ‘venture an opinion’ get blown up at for doing so.

anyway - all fun … 🤩

I'll be honest.. I would have hated for my parents to over analyse my young relationships in such fine detail. I think you need to step back a little

She's 18. It's her first boyfriend. Unfortunately most people in those circumstances are overwhelmed by the emotional side of the relationship and are unlikely to be very selective in their choice of partner. I'm sure maany of us will remember making poor choices of boyfriends at that age. Hindsight and experience are wonderful things once you acquire them.