Four-year-old's violent meltdowns after separation and shared care, feeling defeated

Addy87Me · 2026-05-19T20:17:02+00:00

Hi everyone, I dont actually know what im asking, tonight i feel defeated and dead inside. I separated from my husband back in August 2025 when i had to leave the marital home with 2 small boys. The boys, i thought were thriving, despite the shared schedule. The eldest who is 4, has had moments when he hated me and repeated words and sentences way beyond his years, all by courtesy of daddy. Cafcass acknowledged this in their report but did NOTHING about it. For the last 2 weeks his meltdowns are something from a horror film. They last 20-30 mins, all he does during this time is scream and hit me non stop. I try to hold his hands, he then bites, kickes and screams like a banshee. He does this until he is so exhausted he can barely breathe anymore, at which point he collapses into my arms and eventually says sorry . My ex denies any "new poison" being poured into his ear, and claims these tantrums only take place when he's with me. I just dont know what to do anymore, dont know if its an age thing, or the separation or the influence? Whats worse, no institution that is meant to protect children are doing anything to help. Some night, like tonight i actually feel like i want to lie down and never wake up. If anyone has any experience with the subject, i would be eternally grateful for any advice. Thanks so much

mrbojangle · 20/05/2026 19:57

Have no experience but am bumping this for you op!

Ritaskitchen · 20/05/2026 20:03

Could you get some play or art therapy for him? He is showing you he feels safe with you. He won’t truly understand the meaning of the Dad supplied words and sentences. At 4 he’s still a baby really.
Im going to say this with kindness but it’s difficult to say as well. Separation affects children. Even separation done as gently and as non traumatically as possible. Even separation that is necessary to keep you and your DC safe.
A four year old will never hate his mother. They can’t. They love their mothers and are totally reliant on them.
It doesn’t matter that your ex says no tantrums at his. I would suggest your son has then with you because you are his safe person.
It sounds very very tough.

endofthelinefinally · 20/05/2026 20:04

Have you considered speaking to the NSPCC for advice?

Original poster

Addy87Me · 20/05/2026 22:12

Thank you, as much as i try to fool myself, deep down i know this will have some effect on them. I have looked into the play therapy suggestion and found a local one which i will contact tomorrow. Thank you so much for this 💗

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Original poster

Addy87Me · 20/05/2026 22:13

endofthelinefinally · 20/05/2026 20:04

Have you considered speaking to the NSPCC for advice?

I am looking into this now, thank you for this ❤️

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Original poster

Addy87Me · 20/05/2026 22:14

Ritaskitchen · 20/05/2026 20:03

Could you get some play or art therapy for him? He is showing you he feels safe with you. He won’t truly understand the meaning of the Dad supplied words and sentences. At 4 he’s still a baby really.
Im going to say this with kindness but it’s difficult to say as well. Separation affects children. Even separation done as gently and as non traumatically as possible. Even separation that is necessary to keep you and your DC safe.
A four year old will never hate his mother. They can’t. They love their mothers and are totally reliant on them.
It doesn’t matter that your ex says no tantrums at his. I would suggest your son has then with you because you are his safe person.
It sounds very very tough.

Thank you, as much as i try to fool myself, deep down i know this will have some effect on them. I have looked into the play therapy suggestion and found a local one which i will contact tomorrow. Thank you so much for this 💗

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Rainsunrainsun · 20/05/2026 22:36

I just want to echo what has already been said. He’s breaking down with you because he feels secure and loved by you so you are a safe space for him to do this.

I have been through very similar with a son. Who also had terrible meltdowns I also separated from his father when he was three I can remember how bad those tantrums felt at the time and like they might never end but they did. He’s a bright and happy six year-old excelling at school, he still has a tendency to get angry quickly and I think maybe he always will but it’s certainly not like it was then.

The breakup will of course affect your children in some ways, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t the right thing to do. I know my children’s childhood will be affected by the separation but I know I had to do it. I also know all children have their hardships and difficulties and disadvantages in their life. This is just what theirs happens to be. what makes a difference is when their parents love them and communicate with them and let them have their difficult feelings.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/05/2026 22:40

Hi op
I have a three year old with outrageous tantrums.
please don’t interpret these as ‘I don’t like mummy I’m going to cry at her.’ It much more likely to be ‘I’ve missed mummy and I’m so confused about what to do about all these big feelings that I hold inside when I’m at school or at dads but now I’m in my safest place in the world I’ll release them in the only way I know how to- noise, tears and movement’.

I give my son a bottle or dummy when thing get this bad - I know he’s too old for that now, but it often really helps to soothe him, then cuddles on the rocking chair. I don’t ask for a sorry until much later after the tantrum is over. Sometimes I also find it’s better to separate and tell him I’m gong to wait in my room until he feels ready to talk and cuddle.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/05/2026 22:41

Ps children are impacted by separation yes but remember they’re also impacted by conflict and abuse and traumatized caregivers and that side of things has an end to it

Lifeisexpensive · 20/05/2026 22:56

This sounds exhausting and traumatic for both of you. When mine used to launch at me I found that bear hugging him from behind was more effective than facing him and trying to stop him. He couldn't hit or kick anywhere near as easily, I found it easier to regulate myself when I didn't have to be face to face with his anger, and I could just hold onto him until he melted. X

Mischance · 20/05/2026 23:01

I would suggest your son has them with you because you are his safe person.

I do agree with this. I know it feels very hard, but it is precisely because you are a good mother that he feels safe with you and can let go.

It is a difficult time for you, but the children need you and love you.

Take care.

Ohthatsabitshit · 20/05/2026 23:02

Have you considered it might be nothing to do with the separation? He sounds totally overwhelmed and that must be so hard. Is there any rhyme or reason to when it happens? Time of day? Day of the week?

Original poster

Addy87Me · 20/05/2026 23:10

Rainsunrainsun · 20/05/2026 22:36

I just want to echo what has already been said. He’s breaking down with you because he feels secure and loved by you so you are a safe space for him to do this.

I have been through very similar with a son. Who also had terrible meltdowns I also separated from his father when he was three I can remember how bad those tantrums felt at the time and like they might never end but they did. He’s a bright and happy six year-old excelling at school, he still has a tendency to get angry quickly and I think maybe he always will but it’s certainly not like it was then.

The breakup will of course affect your children in some ways, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t the right thing to do. I know my children’s childhood will be affected by the separation but I know I had to do it. I also know all children have their hardships and difficulties and disadvantages in their life. This is just what theirs happens to be. what makes a difference is when their parents love them and communicate with them and let them have their difficult feelings.

Thank you so much. Its all so very raw and its in these hard moments that i blame myself and think i should have stayed and put up with all the abuse if that meant my boys being ok. The rational side of me of course, tells me there is no such thing as happiness in such an environment. Separation is never easy, and its a million times harder when high conflict is involved and you see your child's behaviour change before your eyes and there's nothing you can do to stop the other parent from causing emotional harm to their own child. I can only pray and hope that my love and support will be enough to help him through this. Thank you

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Original poster

Addy87Me · 20/05/2026 23:19

Ohthatsabitshit · 20/05/2026 23:02

Have you considered it might be nothing to do with the separation? He sounds totally overwhelmed and that must be so hard. Is there any rhyme or reason to when it happens? Time of day? Day of the week?

These violent outbursts are very recent. About 2 weeks. Its normally triggered by me disciplining him, saying no to something, or telling him off when he hits his baby brother. The last one , yesterday, lasted for over 25 mins , and his attack on me was relentless. I tried everything, including leaving the room to give him space but he follows me , to hit me some more. I do tell him the normal phrases "hands are not for hitting. I wont allow you to hit me. Lets take a deep breath....." all in vain. Thank you for your message

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Ohthatsabitshit · 21/05/2026 00:21

Have you tried telling him to do something rather than not to do something? It sounds simplistic but is often very effective if used gently and consistently. Tell him what you want him to do instead of the behavior you don’t like.

Original poster

Addy87Me · 21/05/2026 10:52

Ohthatsabitshit · 21/05/2026 00:21

Have you tried telling him to do something rather than not to do something? It sounds simplistic but is often very effective if used gently and consistently. Tell him what you want him to do instead of the behavior you don’t like.

Thank you for this, i haven't tried this yet. But it does sound like it could work ❤️

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Original poster

Addy87Me · 21/05/2026 12:10

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/05/2026 22:40

Hi op
I have a three year old with outrageous tantrums.
please don’t interpret these as ‘I don’t like mummy I’m going to cry at her.’ It much more likely to be ‘I’ve missed mummy and I’m so confused about what to do about all these big feelings that I hold inside when I’m at school or at dads but now I’m in my safest place in the world I’ll release them in the only way I know how to- noise, tears and movement’.

I give my son a bottle or dummy when thing get this bad - I know he’s too old for that now, but it often really helps to soothe him, then cuddles on the rocking chair. I don’t ask for a sorry until much later after the tantrum is over. Sometimes I also find it’s better to separate and tell him I’m gong to wait in my room until he feels ready to talk and cuddle.

Thank you for your kind words , i hope things get easier for you too x❤️

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Original poster

Addy87Me · 21/05/2026 12:11

Mischance · 20/05/2026 23:01

I would suggest your son has them with you because you are his safe person.

I do agree with this. I know it feels very hard, but it is precisely because you are a good mother that he feels safe with you and can let go.

It is a difficult time for you, but the children need you and love you.

Take care.

Thank you for the reminder, its so easy to blame oneself when it comes to children and their wellbeing. ❤️

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