Children still not settled socially after school move and house move

[KermitTheF]

We moved kids to a new school a year ago and my twins are still not settled socially. One of them was the life and soul at her last school - very popular and she had continual invitations to play dates and parties. She just hasn’t settled at the new school and I don’t know why. We have done everything we can to invite friends over and do play dates but she is very peripheral socially. My other twin is less bothered although also has no play date or party invitations.

I see others from the class having playdates and it makes me so sad for my kids. We moved school and then moved house to a different area so we have disrupted kids a lot. We don’t know whether to move them again to a new school but it just isn’t working. The few friends they do have are also leaving.

My Daughter is so sad although she hides it well. She misses her old friends terribly. We left the school for various good reasons but now can’t help but feel we have made a huge mess of everything. It is exhausting handling the continuous requests to go to others’ houses for play dates. She is never invited and anything we do is rarely reciprocated. She often says she has a new best friend but these people have little interest in her.

We had such a great social network at the old school but had to change for logistical reasons and due to concerns surrounding the teaching. The house move has meant we are further away too and so we are not in the community where school is, which doesn’t help. We feel such terrible sadness.

I wouldn’t moved them again. Have they moved to a close where the community is close knit? Perhaps it’ll just take more time? Are they involved in clubs in the school or community?

How old are they? We loved when my daughter was in year 3 and it took her ages and ages to settle. It was a very gradual process. Looking back, though, it taught her a lot and stood her in good stead for secondary school where she had to navigate quite complex and ever-changing friend groups. She is 16 now, and can barely remember the old place. And it was definitely the best thing to do to move overall. Keep going, try and keep her calm and give them every opportunity to make friends (new hobbies/clubs etc). She’ll get there, good luck.

Moved, not loved 😄

How old are your DC?

From memory, in Infant School the play dates were arranged by parents at the school gate. The friendship groups often formed around parents that became friends.

By Juniors the DC did the inviting, often last minute at pick up time.

Have you managed to get to know any of the other parents? That may be a good starting point.

Is it just the culture of the new school parenting group? You say you see lots of other playdates going on - perhaps there are far fewer than you think. you see? Are they being arranged because of childcare rather then friendship e.g. "can you take James to yours for a few hours because I have work until 5 that day"

I would sign them up to out of school clubs so they can get an alternative friendship circle.

I would also talk to the other parents directly rather than waiting for invites. Now it's summer you could try to organise some group park visits at the weekend for example.

I wouldn't move them. School demographics can change quite quickly, if her closer friends are moving on then the places will be filled and it could be with someone they really hit it off with. How many class intake is the school? You could ask for a class change.

We moved our kids when they were 7. It took them a good two years to really find their feet. It's much easier if they going to a new school at a natural change point (like primary to secondary).

Can she join some clubs - gymnastics, soccer, scouts or guides, drama?

Apologies - I should have said. My twins are 9 (year 4). We moved to their current school a term before we moved house and now nobody at that school lives near us - we’re about 3.5 miles away (far in London terms). We have a beautiful house and are where we want to be for secondary but can’t meet local parents easily. We no longer walk through the old community so see nobody. Despite best efforts, parents are v distant and we’re not embedded in the school community - impossible with the commute. We didn’t expect the right house to come up this quickly and the school move was made before we had decided to move. It feels like we have really messed things up but we have the house we needed with a lot of space. We are desperate to meet people locally but it is very hard where we are. Everyone lives in huge houses with gates and drives, so we don’t see people. Moving them to a school here feels like it could really really help, and they still when another 2 years of primary.

We reach out for play dates constantly but always get told they’re busy or don’t have time and there are only so many times you can ask. Today one of my twins asked to attend afterschool club because one of her friends from her class will be there and it’s like a play date - this broke my heart. We have literally paid for a play date when we didn’t need the childcare.

Thanks - we reach out a lot but get very little back. We don’t live close enough to help with childcare anymore, sadly. The school is a 1 form entry, so we can’t change class.

The do cubs still in the old area and are on the waiting list for the new area.

With your update I would move them if you can find a place at a school close to your house (perhaps one where the children might go to the same secondary school).

There seems absolutely no reason to keep them where they are beyond the desire not to unsettle them again, whereas I think Year 5 can be a good time to go - it's a year where girls typically outgrow long standing friendships, some hit puberty and it's likely they will be open to new friends. If you can get a place in a local school, the chance to catch up with others while "playing out", walking to school etc. also opens up.

Half following as we are contemplating moving our DC for friendship reasons same age as yours.

I would investigate what the options are for moving so you know what you can choose from. Yours are old enough to have a safe, but not make, the decision.

Personally I think it could be worth doing as life is short and it doesn’t sound like things will change- single form entry, well established friendship groups that are hard to break into.

Year 4 girls are often really struggling to get along socially, it's peak bullying time for primary school. Hopefully things will settle next year as they all continue to mature.

Get a dog! They are great for creating communities and helping you to meet people/.

Not everyone is horrible or disengaged. And some adults are even happy to go out of their way to help an unhappy child! Is there no way you can make contact or get to know any of the mums in the class? If another school mum had explained to me something along the lines you have done in this post, I would definitely have done what I could to help. My kids were always encouraged to be nice to newcomers and include them where possible.

I hope that things improve. I recall moving school myself at 9. I had a bad year and things gradually began to improve the next year. But it wasn’t a good time.