Should I ask for my daughter to be in a separate class?

[SB145]

My daughter is seven years old and has always had a lovely group of friends. The last six months, she has befriended a little boy with autism in her class. He is lovely, parents have had my daughter over for playdates (they don't think he's ready for one at our house yet) but was so happy to come to my daughter's party earlier on in the year. He's a very sweet boy but he is regularly hurting her when he becomes disregulated. He has bitten her, hit her, stuck a pencil in her ear as a few examples. The teacher has asked me what I want to happen next year, as they are a 2 class intake and they are concerned that my daughter is getting injured weekly. When I ask my daughter, she gets so upset at the thought of being separated from him!
She is still friends with her other "group" but she is definitely starting to separate from them more. On a school trip last month, she spent the whole time with another child with additional needs (and her mum). I think she sees herself as a bit of a helper but also genuinely enjoys spending time with these two children.
I don't know what to do about next year. I love that she has formed this friendship but I don't want her to keep getting hurt. I also want to encourage her to stay close with her other group of friends too? Should I let her make her own decision? Or allow them to be in separate classes to stop her getting hurt? The thought of this little boy missing her next year also makes me feel sad for him.

It’s a hard situation but I would ask for her to be in another class to avoid the injuries, it may get worse in the future.

Absolutely ask for a separate class. They can still have supervised play dates. You must protect your child.

If the school think it’s best they are separated, I would take their lead. They see how this friendship plays out on a daily basis and if they are concerned, I would trust their judgement

Absolutely separate classes. Your DD is far too young to make this decision, or understand the implications of it - she needs the adults around her to protect her - you and the school.

You can have supervised play dates out of school, but be mindful that if he is biting and hitting her then presumably this is also happening in his own home when you aren’t there to protect her. Maybe push to have some in a park/playground too.

It seems to me that the school needs to find a way to protect the other kids in the class. Next year if it’s not your DC it will be someone else. The issue won’t go away. I appreciate that’s not your concern but it’s odd that they are not doing more to solve the actual problem?

This.

And when they’re in separate classes they’ll still be together at playtime, so the problem remains.

Get her in a separate class and stop encouraging the friendship with playdates. And I'd be looking at new schools if they dont properly sort out safeguarding.

Your child is 7, politely she doesnt know what's good for her. You as the adult should.

The patterns you teach her now will shape her future.
Being bitten and hit is not okay.
And its certainly not something i'd encourage my child (son or daughter) to go "back for more" for.

Read up on "helpers" and who they attract as adults. Ideally you want to address this behaviour and help her round out now.

I agree with others. If school are asking then they are concerned. You should ask to be in a different class.

I do disagree with those saying that school aren't doing anything about it– they may well be. No one would know other than the child and his parents. Some children take a long time to learn what others need very little support to learn.

I would try and explain to her that it is not ok for her to be hit or bitten and she should not accept it, regardless of who is doing it.

I would be concerned tbh that they are wanting to wait until next school year and she may still have to go through a half term of being hurt.

when my youngest went from reception to y1 I asked for my daughter to be separated from her “best” friend at the time because friend didn’t allow her to have other friendships. The school obliged and I never mentioned it to my daughter that it was my decision. As it happened, it was a wise decision as the girl had form for making friends, isolating them, ditching them and moving on to someone else, for the rest of primary. My daughter still saw her out of school but it was less intense. If your daughters school are concerned you should tell them you share their concern and think it would be best to give them some distance. Don't tell your child, she’ll find out when she gets to her next class in September, then it was the schools decision and out of your hands!

Seperate them

Like others say, they'll still see each other at break time anyway so it's not they'll be permanently separated anyway

Much less likely to happen where he's comfortable and has his mum there. You could mention it to the mum though.

How do these incidents of dysregulation occur?What is the context around them? Are other children being hurt or just your daughter?

There’s a difference between her being in proximity when he’s lashing out and actually being the target of his meltdowns/frustration.

There’s a difference between her being in proximity when he’s lashing out and actually being the target of his meltdowns/frustration

Not one that matters to the child on the receiving end being injured.

If it was my child then I would absolutely want them separated, regardless of whether the injuries were being caused intentionally or just by chance because they were 'in proximity'.

Which means you wouldn’t be on here asking for advice or feeling “sad” about the other kid.

OP seems to have romanticised this whole situation , which makes her daughter vulnerable. In situation 1, a change of class should be enough. In situation 2, OP needs to readjust her thinking , step up and help her daughter understand healthy friendships and boundaries, otherwise she’ll end up being hurt again. If not by this kid , then another.

Yes. This exact thing has happened (except the boy wasn't diagnosed until he was in his 30s!) and the teachers had a TA who stayed near the boy, advised his friends (like your daughter, OP) on strategies when he was becoming dysregulated, and by the second year, there were never any physical injuries, and only rare shouting ones. Obviously every child with autism is different, but having the TA stopped the problem-and that boy is still a very good friend, as an adult, and a very important person in her life. I say this to agree you're right to be concerned OP, but that the school can maybe help with the situation

I think I would ask for them to be seated separately in class. There is nothing to stop them eating lunch together or playing together at break times, but seating arrangements is something that can be monitored and regulated, and is also a less obvious way of keeping them apart than changing classes which can be hard unless the whole year group is given a shake up.

I do feel sad for him because they have formed a friendship and she also gets a lot out of that friendship. They play together nicely and the teacher says it is a genuine friendship (not just my daughter acting as a mother). What makes it hard is seeing how upset my daughter is at the thought of not being in his class. Because there are plenty of times they've had no issues at all! Just been "normal" besties.
This has definitely made me think though. As much as she likes him she is too young to make the right decision and I do have to protect her. She will make other friends and she can hopefully still have a friendship with him.
Thank you.