3rd baby? 1st child has autism

[hol92]

I have always wanted 3 children, me and my husband are both from big families. I have 2 at the moment one is 1 and the other is 3, my three year old is autistic (non verbal) and I can’t help but think it would be unfair on him to split his attention further and then the other part of me thinks it would be nice for him to have more siblings as he grows up, I’m constantly changing my mind and just wondered if anyone had been in a similar situation ❤️

as your child is still only 3 I would ask that you consider what their life and your life might be like at 13, 23 etc. I have been alongside friends with non verbal children from small ,manageable toddlers who are now teenagers and the impact on other children in the family can be huge, including physical violence- 1 child’s older sibling is looking forwards to leaving home asap. What would happen if you had another child who was also autistic? Splitting emotional and financial resources between 3 children rather than 2 is always going to mean someone gets less.

At 1yo you can't be sure your younger child won't face challenges.

Is waiting a couple more years an option?

There’s a good chance your 1 year old is also ND. I’d wait to see how they’re developing before committing to another child tbh. I’ve seen first hand the difficulty in planning the future for a non-verbal autistic adult that can no longer live at home as parents age and become less physically able. It’s traumatic for everyone involved and becomes even more painful if it’s multiplied.

Honestly I personally would wait until oldest is 6 or 7 so you have a clearer view on
A.how severe it is
B.if you second child has autism
C how you are coping in general

Personally I would wait to see is your 1 year old NT or ND. Also to see how your 3 year old progresses. Will they need additional supports, especially as they start school? Will this drain financial or physical resources? How will they both find the sibling relationship as they age? Your 1 year old will become more autonomous and challenge the 3 year olds domain - that's true of all sibling relationships, but how will yours find this with their particular needs?

You'll have a better picture of what your family's day to day experiences are in a year or two, and can make a more informed decision then.

Not sure if you're a working mum or not, but if you've only recently returned from mat leave make sure you give yourself a chance to settle in to the new normal before big life decisions.

I wouldn’t as it’s less attention for both your children and your younger child is already going to have to adapt to the needs of your older child and will likely receive less attention as a result. You also don’t know yet if your younger child is also nd.
if time is on your side I’d wait a few years and see. Otherwise I’d stick at two.

like others i’d suggest you wait and see how things progress first.

Why would you make your life any more complicated than it already is?

Perhaps wait a year of two and see how you are meeting everyone’s needs maybe?

We wanted 3. DD1 turned out to be autistic. She was diagnosed at 5 years old. We have 2 children. A third (possibly autistic child) would’ve ended our family through separation and possibly my sectioning. It’s not worth the risk.

Not a chance in hell. If your second is 1, you have no idea what their needs might go on to be, and if you’ve had an NT second child then the odds are that you probably won’t on the third. If you have a high needs child then they need your attention and support and focus to be on them. It’s not really about what you’ve always wanted, it’s about what the child you already have needs.

You're not being realistic about what your future with your autistic child might be. Other children are very likely going to miss out hugely on parental time and energy because your main focus is always going to have to be your ND child. I suspect you're putting your broodiness ahead of the 2 children you already have.

Autism tends to run in families so your DC2 may be diagnosed and also your hypothetical third child. Personally I would stop at two so that things are more manageable.

I have a severely autistic son. At 3 he was very manageable. But he got bigger, the appointments became more and I had to give up my good career to become a full time carer. The stress involved became too much for my marriage and we split when my son was 6 (and dd 4) also very common when a SEN child is involved.

do yourself a favour and stick at 2 x

Unfortunately I think it would be selfish to have another child. Your second child may or may not be autistic. If they are, you'll have 2 DC both with very different demands to meet and it would be impossibly hard to balance all that and a third child. If they aren't, you'll have to put in extra effort to make them feel special due to DC1 needing so much support. I can't see any positives and I'm a real supporter of big families usually.

My neighbour too. A professional woman, she's spent the last almost 30 years acting as a carer to her 28 year old DS. A perfectly nice and personable lad, but can't be left alone because he's not safe. Her husband left her because he couldn't cope. Thank goodness for her son's sake that she's a very dedicated and loving mum.

You have my sympathy @houseofisms .

I work with families with non-verbal autistic children and there is certainly a high incidence of siblings being ND too. You say it would be nice for your DC to have more siblings as they grow up but with the extra noise, busyness, being in their space, touching their things etc, it may actually be more stressful for your autistic DC

Also think about the future who will be responsible for your autistic child if you are no longer around.
Friends have a 19 year old son and it's already been impressed to him that he will be responsible for his non verbal autistic sister, who has never even slept in her own room, cannot be left for the parents to go the loo on their own.
Mum works full time and dad is the carer for the young lady.

Don’t do it, your 1 year old could have autism or another disability. It’s very stressful. Just don’t I speak from experience.

What an awful responsibility for such a young man. Are they not able to plan for assisted living for their DD?

I have five children. My second child has autism and didn't speak until she was 5 and a half years old... She has eight GCSEs but will also never live independently. My first and third child have ADHD as do I. My point is non verbal may not mean non verbal forever... It also doesn't mean they will be badly behaved. My autistic child has benefited hugely from being part of a large family and you know, we never know what we are going to get when we have a child and the idea of waiting to see if your second is ND is madness... My two with ADHD didn't really show until they were teens and my own wasn't even an issue until I ran out of oestrogen. Mine are all nice young people in the world, very empathic, really interested in other people and the world and they weren't neglected or starved of attention because some of us were neurodiverse. It's not a death sentence, it's a difference and you don't know how it will manifest itself as your child grows.

@TinyMouseTheatreno plans for the future only that the son will look after her.
I can't see any woman if he got married taking on his sister, as she will be always in the bedroom with them.
One parent has to be with her all the time.
I've seen the affect it has on the child if she is left for a minute. Dad was out on his daily walk, I was sitting with her while mum went to the loo and all hell broke loose. I've been in that child's life since she was born.
Sad situation.

We have three.

Deep breath this is hard to admit.

My middle is ASD & was 2.6 when the third was born, he is preverbal now at 7....I can honestly say we are struggling more now the children are older (Fighting for support in school and at home). My third developed typically until we had a unexpected medical condition at 3 which has changed their life forever (and now has ongoing medical needs day & night) - they lost their ability to walk, talk and memory practically over night ....weve had a long couple of years in recovery and needs ongoing therapy for medical trauma. I thought life would get easier not harder, my middle one has epic meltdowns now at 7 - in their toddler years they were pretty easy going and happy in their own world. Their cognitive level is that of a 4 year old. My life consists of juggling occy health, salt, send appontments, LA tribunals, ehcp panels, alongside specialist nurses, emergency admissions and overnight stays for the youngest alongside working. It has affected my financial income, friendships, relationship with my husband and family. My eldest is NT and is a wonderful child who unfortunately has hadn't had their parents full attention (although is excelling in school, has a fantastic friendship circle & we are quite lucky with good family support so has a good relationship/ rest bite with their aunty & uncle weekly). But i do miss them, my time is consumed with their siblings needs and its so difficult to balance their needs with my eldest. When the third was born I naively thought as my middle was chilled this would continue, however poor support in school (we are finally in specialist) led my child to be overwhelmed and undersupported this spilled into family life. We do have a good solid family network which has been a lifeline for myself to continue working (not in my original role - i now work min wage but its less cognitive stress!). I honestly really struggle with two children with high needs / one with complex medical needs and it's not the busy bustling family life i pictured. I honestly didn't picture one child smashing their head on the ground because they can't communicate what they need and the other requiring SATS monitoring & specialist nurses that pop over to go over their medical plan. I pictured three children building lego, chatting about what they wanted to see at the cinema at the weekend.

I would echo previous comments to wait a few years, enjoy their littleness - take them to the park - enoy the little moments with them - feeding the ducks, picking daisies (or collecting rocks/sticks/ bottle lids!), seeing them grow, soak up their baby & toddlerhood and if you can wait, I personally would and reevaluate in a few years time. They do grow so quick and these years are wonderful to witness. I wish you all the best for your decision OP.

Thank you all for your responses , I’m 35 and to be honest before writing this post I was 95% sure I didn’t want another child mostly because of my first being autistic and although my second isn’t presenting with any reason for me to think she’s autistic I know this could change, I’m more than happy with having two and know how lucky I am to have two healthy children it was more thinking about support around him as he grows up but like you say I wouldn’t know if the 3rd could potentially be autistic.

Absolutely not. Save your time and energy for your existing children