How can we make childcare and housework fair around shift work?

[Akaneeci]

Hi everyone I’m struggling with DH’s shift patterns and an equal balance of housework and childcare etc

DH works 12 hours shifts 4 on 6 off (2 days followed by 2 nights) on a rolling rota. I work Monday to Friday 9 - 5.30 2 days in office and 3 WFH. DS is 1 and a half, originally returned to work from Mat leave on reduced hours but back full time since Jan as we need the money. DS goes to a childminder 3 days a week, he’s with Grandparents one day and then DH will have him the odd Friday if that’s one of his days off. If not we arrange a month in advance with childminder Friday covers.

My main issue is I get very little/almost no down time to myself. I wake when DS wakes which is anytime between 6.30 and 7 give him breakfast and get him washed/dressed and drop him off at childcare then straight to work. If DH is on his day off he picks up DS at 4pm and then when I finish at 5.30 i spend time with DS and sort dinner for us. DH will wash up and then we take it in turns to do bath time and bedtime/story each night DS usually in bed by 7.30. I either then usually pack DS bag for next day, tidy up, shower and maybe wash my hair as I don’t get time in the morning and maybe watch a bit of TV or read a book before I end up going to bed usually by 9pm as I’m so exhausted.

Weekends are my only day off and they are obviously not child free. If DH shift falls on that weekend I will be solo parenting that weekend. He gets a lot of free time especially in the week and of course child free. He sometimes gets up with DS on his days off but most of the time I get up with him as have to be up for work anyway. A lot of the time he wakes up when he wants, has a coffee in bed, goes for a run, a shower, maybe goes to the shop to get some bits if I ask him and has a nap in the afternoon or games on his PC, which is in the same office as me when WFH which is very cramped! I’ve told him to not do this now when I’m working.

When I bring up the fact I am burnt out and need a bit more support in the mornings with DS when he is off or doing the cleaning/cooking on days off he gets defensive saying I don’t appreciate what he does and I’m punishing him for working those shifts. I say I’m not upset with the shifts I am upset he is not giving me some free time. Weekends if he is off we usually do family things but we both agreed I can have a day to myself but I feel as though he resents me for this as think he struggles with DS on his own..he is at that testing age. DH doesn’t have a lot of patience and a lot of the time he will be on his phone or iPad and not engaging with DS.

I’m so fed up, just the other day I asked him in the morning when he comes off his night shift if he could help by giving DS his breakfast and getting him ready as I was in the office that day and I wanted to have a shower and wash my hair as was too tired to do it the night before. He agreed but then gave him his breakfast and said ‘I’m going to bed’ I hadn’t had my breakfast or dried my hair got dressed and DS was still in pj’s! I said I still need to get ready and he huffed and angrily told me to get ready then. I haven’t been in the best health since having DS. I had a traumatic birth and was in hospital with a nasty bowel infection last October. I was feeling very exhausted and lightheaded and then blood test found I was severely anaemic so I was given iron tablets which I’ve been taking the last 5 months.

I don’t know what else to do I feel we have had this conversation so many times but nothing changes. Any other people out there with partners that work shifts? How do you make it more equal?

The thing that leaps out from your post is that you're really deep in the trenches at the moment, you have a baby, you both work full-time and manage on less than full-time childcare, doesn't sound like you have any help in the house plus you haven't been in the best of health. It's very normal to feel overwhelmed and exhausted with all that on your plate - not that it being normal makes it any less crap at the time of course but it does get easier I promise.

I'm sure you'll get plenty of replies saying your DH is crap and it's all his fault and you should LTB (and I'm not saying he doesn't need to step up more and maybe he is just a lazy shit, there's plenty of them out there) but equally when you are deeply exhausted and feeling underappreciated it is easy to snap and blame the other person when working together as a team is what's sometimes needed to pull through.

Practical things that worked for me when at a similar stage:

1. External help, with the baby or the housework or both. You're going to knuckle over if you keep trying to do it all and it's not reasonable to expect it of you. The housework is usually easier/cheaper to source and less emotionally fraught than putting the baby into childcare (although I have to say for DH and I putting the babies into more childcare than we technically 'needed' probably saved our sanities, health and marriage so I refuse to feel bad about it). I know it's so hard when money is tight and cost of living high but can you find the cash for even a fortnightly cleaner or an extra day a month at the childminder's just to give some breathing space?
2. You do need to take your DH up on giving you a weekend day off and insist he looks after the baby alone for at least some time whenever he can. I know, you don't feel as though he'll do a good job but if the baby is safe and attended to, you do need to take the time to yourself even if your instincts are telling you not to (unless you genuinely feel the baby is unsafe in his care of course, that's a different matter) - doesn't have to be the full day all at once but if DH could even perhaps get him out of the house for a few hours on Saturday and let you sleep that would do you so much good. Frankly if the relationship fails and you break up he will need to be looking after the baby solo so now's the time to build that trust and experience either way.
3. Try and find the time and energy to properly communicate with your DH at a time when you're not rushing for something else or grumpy or stressed out - how to divide the housework fairly is a problem you can solve if you work as a team and you are the experts in your own lives and relationship - assuming you both care for one another and want to make it work then you can find solutions. If you really feel you've given this a good go and not been listened to or nothing's changed then maybe it's time to conclude you really do have a DH problem - marriage/relationship counselling time?

@NoctuaAthene thank you I did not even think of a cleaner..my brain is too fried! I have spoken with DH and we have agreed a cleaner would be a great idea and would definitely take the mental and physical load of some of the housework off us.

Next step discussing our feelings ..

You need to both have equal time off.

Can you sit down and actually track over 10 days how much time each of you spends: working/sleeping/housework/childcare/completely free time?
I'd literally map out each of your schedules and colour code it so you can easily see how it stacks up.

My feeling is that your DH will need to do more childcare and housework on his days off to give you more free time.

I think both attitudes need adjusting slightly. With the dynamic you have, it can’t be equal. However, your partner is also not pulling his weight. I live a very similar life to you. DH is a paramedic and works 3 or 4 12hr shifts a week mixture of days/nights and lots of weekend work. I work a standard 9-5 full time. We are on our second DC and have things figured out a lot more after a lot of point scoring the first time round. I have a 4 and 1 year old.
I honestly just accept that I do more parenting and tbh I lean into it. I absolutely love solo weekends with my kids and have a handful of activities and places that I make for just us time. However to counteract it we do the following:

• have a cleaner every 2 weeks to deep clean our kitchen and bathrooms so we don’t need to
• bought a robot hoover to go on every day
• if my husband has a child free day off we agree on a list of jobs together. Once those are done the rest of the day is his own and I feel 0 resentments for that time.
• once a month I go out for the evening and he’s has the children solo.
• If he’s nightshift he spends an hour helping me get the kids ready and breakfast before he goes to bed.

I also just want to add that constantly switching your body clock like that is exhausting. Especially if he’s doing hard resets. It did take me a bit to accept it but that sort of full time just isn’t the same as ours, especially if like my DH the work is really physical as well.