Would you speak to school about an intense friendship at 11?

[PigeonPairinSomerset]

Daughter is 11 and has a friend at school, I’ll call her Jane. We are worried about Jane and DD’s friendship. It seems very intense on Jane’s part. She often cries if she is not seated with DD. Jane misses a lot of school due to a variety of illnesses and ailments. We are not friendly with Jane’s parents. Something seems a little off with the whole family. On the one hand, we are proud of our daughter for befriending a sensitive child who doesn’t appear to have many other friends, but also worried that Jane is overly attached to our daughter and what that means for her other friendships. DD is relatively popular and gets on with most children in her class, but some of them are beginning to distance themselves because of DDs friendship with Jane. Would you speak to the school about this? What would you say? What realistically can they do? They are due to go to the same high school in September but likely to be sorted into different Sets. Would you leave it at this and hope they drift apart? Some extra info: DD has just finished SATs and is a finger picker at the best of times, but this has got much worse lately and she’s also started pulling out her eyebrows. Is this just a release of stress after SATs or could she be under pressure from the intense attachment from Jane?

Once they get to high school Jane will get diluted by dozens of other new kids that your daughter will befriend. So I would just wait it out.

Tell your daughter that she doesn't have to be friends with Jane anymore if she doesn't want to. You can drift apart from people without being rude or cruel.

I don't think there's much the school could do anyway. Other than separate them but why should she do that on your say so. Jane's home life or behaviour at school are absolutely none of your business.

It's clear you don't like her family even though you don't know them. But that's not the school's problem.

How would you feel if another kids parent went to the school to complain about your daughter in the same way as you're doing about Jane? And what would you think they should do?

I agree with the poster above and I would definitely be making clear to your daughter that she doesn't owe friendship to anyone, but I think this is very likely to be resolved through a long summer break and high school anyway, given that's only weeks away I'd sit back and see what happens.

if I’ve come across as not liking this girl or her family, that was not my intention. You said it yourself - I don’t even know them very well. You’re right, her home life is none of our business. But the attachment is intense and it is beginning to cause problems and that’s what I am looking for advice on.

Ok cool. I'm glad you don't dislike them if you don't know them. But yeah it did come off like that.

As I said it should naturally blow over in secondary. And for now just make sure daughter knows she doesn't have to be friends with anyone if she doesn't want to.

I'd say you need to probably step back on what seems like quite an intense focus on Jane. You don't know her family and don't seem to want to get to know them so you shouldn't really go to the school making complaints about her.

If I thought a particular child’s behaviour was the reason for my own child not eating and pulling out her eyebrows then yes, I would speak to school.

I don't agree, I think check with the school that info is sent forward that they are to be in different classes at high school. Also make sure DD isn't essentially dropping other friends on Jane's say so, Jane can join in, but your DD must be allowed boundaries.

I've seen two girls completely drained by this sort of friendship, especially if they are about to reach phone age. If there's any chance that Jane is the kind of girl to text constantly and complain if DD doesn't reply, then make a plan for that in advance so it's not on DD to navigate.

Lots of good advice on the thread but please see a dr about the eyebrow picking. This is trichotillomania, a form of OCD which arrives during early puberty and often during times of stress. It won’t disappear on its own. She needs support while she’s still young (which i never got as it was the 90s)

I would definitely get advice about the eyebrow pulling. Your daughter is going to have to navigate all sorts of people and stresses throughout her life and she may need some support with how to cope with this.

I would speak to to DD’s teacher, ask them not to seat them next to each other if possible, explain that Dd can feel overwhelmed by Jane. The last half term in Y6 often doesn’t require formal seating because they can be busy with rehearsals etc, but if the teacher is aware of the issues they can at least try to have Jane working with a different group.

we are proud of our daughter for befriending a sensitive child who doesn’t appear to have many other friends

There's your issue, OP. There's a reason Jane doesn't have other friends, because she's overly-intense, weepy and suffocating, and is blocking your child from other friends.

Encourage your daughter to centre her own welfare. Jane will have to learn that this kind of behaviour isn't going to endear her to other people. It's a tough lesson, but that's not your issue.

Regardless of Jane I’d be speaking to the school if my 11 year old was potentially so stressed by SATs they pulled out their own eyebrows.
I’d mention Jane as part of the conversation and see how the teacher views the friendship. Have they done the friendship groups for secondary? If maybe request a separation of there are concerns.

Your daughter is 10/11? So old enough to articulate her feelings. One evening this week go and sit on your DD’s bed, tell her to budge up, plonk your backside down and ask her how everything is going. Ask her about friendships, if she raises concerns about Jane, then tell she’s not there to appease anyone, her feelings count and go through some scenarios with her, if she doesn’t feel confident enough to tell Jane to give her a bit more space. Give her some phrases such as [morning break] “Jane, I’ll play with you at lunchtime but time but right now I want to hangout / chat/ play with Libby and Olive” or “Jane, you can join me and Sophie, but I like having lots of friends” or “I’m playing with Lola and Scot today”. It takes skill and practice to navigate friendships, you dd sounds lovely, so she probably needs to hear it’s okay to be gently assertive. If Jane goes and ‘tells’ on your dd, and the TA / teacher then tells your dd she has to play with Jane, I think that’s then the time for contacting school and getting involved. I always think school should spend much more time going through communication / friendship skills than all the sex education they are required to do in PHSE, after all learning how to say a firm ‘no’ is an essential life skill.
tell your dd the most powerful tool she has at her disposal is her voice. It will stand her in good stead.
I highly recommend ‘Stand up for yourself and your friends’ published by American Girl, if your dd is a natural people pleaser.

I went to school with someone with trichotillomania so I’ve seen it before. I didn’t know it was an early form of OCD, or that a tendency towards OCD began just before puberty though. This is a worry, thank you for letting me know.

We mentioned Jane at parents’ evening in March and the teacher hadn’t noticed anything, but said he’d keep an eye out.

I have already done this. Both me and my husband have a good relationship with her and we we talk a lot. She doesn’t see the friendship with Jane as an issue and I’m worried about making it a “thing” which pushes her closer to Jane and stops her talking to us. Jane does appear to limit DDs friendships - Jane doesn’t like hanging out in big groups so DD avoids this too, to keep Jane happy. Once, when DD was coming down with a cold, Jane said she wouldn’t go to school if DD didn’t, so DD went in even though she was ill.

She wasn’t overtly stressed over SATs. I’m more concerned that the eyebrow pulling and finger picking is friend stress. We are happy not to put Jane’s name down for secondary friendship groups, to give them some distance, but what if Jane’s parents do the absolute opposite and speak to the school and say that Jane and our DD have such a special friendship, they must be together??

You need to actively request they are not together. Our high school puts a lot more weight on the "not together" requests than the together ones.

Jane sounds like someone who thinks there are right and wrong ways to be and is perhaps quite inflexible, with opinions on things. My DD finds people like this quite stressful, it challenges her world view in a way she can't quite articulate or stand up to. For example, DD liked most people in her class, but her Jane equivalent didn't. On some level DD knew they were nice people but couldn't win the argument against Jane, which is a powerless feeling. I think you are right that the friendship is at the root of her stress. It probably, on paper, is a good friendship but it isn't making her feel good, which she's struggling with.

We have experienced this over the last year. And it actually got worse in high school as the friend resented my dd making other friends and really ramped up the intensity and pressure she put on my daughter. It’s been awful and very stressful for all involved. Both girls neurodivergent if relevant

Speak to the new school and ask they aren’t put together- this is really common. I did that for DD and many other kids parents named the same child because she had attempted to break up many friendships, she ended up in a class with nominees from her old school.

One of my other DDs was in a very intense friendship. The two girls moved up to secondary school together but one of the girls very quickly found new friends and was able to break away from the intense friend. It was hard for both girls as one felt pushed away and the other guilty but ultimately it was best for both.

Make sure you speak to the new school now and say you do not want the girls places in the same form group. I had a friend who requested to be put with me (don’t know if schools still do this but when I was at school we had a teacher from the new school visit and take these requests) anyway I said I don’t want to be with him. This other kid had no other friends really and i suspect school knew of issues at home so his preference overrode my request. He had had isolated me from all but one other friend and I remember asking not to be with him to get some freedom. I dont think my parents were ever aware but I wish they had spoken to the school. The isolation got worse and he sexually assaulted me. Obviously your case is two girls but don’t just rely on current school make it clear to future school what your wishes are. My whole school career was tainted by my lack of friends and the isolation and assault. I often look back and wish I’d gone to a different school!!