Me and my fiancé welcomed our first baby in August last year. I've had about 2-3 months at the beginning of feeling like a team parenting our daughter and I'm so exhausted.
He was a completely healthy man before my pregnancy and I thought so during it but looking back the first symptoms and signs were starting. I put them down to the life changes we were going through and his father becoming terminally ill during my pregnancy and ultimately passing away two weeks after our baby was born.
Towards the end of my pregnancy and first few months following our daughter's arrival he was complaining of dizziness and then his legs feeling heavy when walking. In November he suddenly couldn't urinate all day and needed a catheter. A few days later he was in hospital with sepsis and since then it's all been down hill.
Luckily the sepsis was caught quickly and there was no organ damage or time in ICU, he was in hospital for over a week. But once discharged all his symptoms just amplified tenfold and have continued to get progressively worse.
I have now become his carer and feel like a single parent raising our daughter. He now cannot walk unaided and uses a Zimmerframe, he has regular falls at home, has essentially become housebound, his speech has changed, I'm pretty certain he is depressed and he can't really do anything for himself due to his balance issues. He wants to lay in bed all day, is awake all night and asleep all day.
I was ok at the beginning, believed it was just stress and that it would get better soon. But it hasn't. Two further hospital stays and lots of testing and we're still none the wiser of what's causing his symptoms. We know it's something neurological and he's now been referred to a specialist hospital, which we're still waiting to hear from. The delays in getting care and support are something I could dedicate a whole post too.
I feel like a single parent. I do everything for my daughter. He can't parent her right now, the best he can do is sit with her whilst he's in bed or when he occasionally comes downstairs which gives me 30 minutes to an hour to catch up on household tasks. Otherwise I'm with her all day doing everything. I know he wishes he could do more and I see how much this hurts him.
I'm just so exhausted. Being everything for everyone for over 5 months now. This wasn't how it was meant to be. We were supposed to be a team and equal. He was supposed to take her to swimming lessons, make her meals now she's on solids, take her for walks in the pram. I was supposed to get some breaks. Some time to try and reclaim some of my identity back, some time to feel like a romantic couple. My maternity leave has just been overshadowed by his illness. I'm going back to work in 3 months time and there's just so much uncertainty.
I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. It feels like he's dying. Every day I'm crying. But I can't talk to him and burden him further , I have to be the strong one but keeping it all inside is hurting me too. I feel suffocated by the responsibility of looking after him and our daughter. There's just no breaks. Sometimes I don't even want to be around him because it's so hard. I don't have any friends, just my mum and nan and the occasional message from a work colleague. He has no close family now, he's pulled away from his friends, they don't know how bad it is. He's currently on sick leave and I'm on the no money part of my maternity leave, just have savings now. That's another worry, finances.
Honestly there's so much more I could write but it would turn into a dissertation. I just need to offload and it would be comforting to hear similar stories. I feel so alone in my current reality and just unrelatable to any other new parents.
Thanks for reading.