Paranoid about judgments, especially on school run.

[Sunshineandrain999]

Anyone extremely paranoid that people are judging them? I have severe paranoia on the school run and just generalised anxiety about everything. 4 children, eldest is 9, youngest is 3. I left my 3 year old in the car for one minute while I walked my other 3 children into school and an e/mail went round about leaving younger siblings in a car unattended. My child was adamant they did not want to get out of the car (had an awful morning with them screaming and crying since waking up) and I knew I could keep the car in sight while I walked my children to the gate. Not something I do. I don’t know if the e-mail was directed at me and I certainly wouldn’t do it again, but now I’m severely paranoid. Always feel like I’m less than. Anyone else feel this way?

Just because your 3 year old says they do or don’t want to do something doesn’t mean they get their way.

Well it's likely someone saw you and reported it to the school - it's not a good idea leaving a 3 year old in the car, no matter how difficult their behaviour is! You've already said you won't do it again so I wouldn't worry about it.

If you're having problems with anxiety, you need to see your doctor. With 4 children, you've got a lot on your plate so you need to be healthy and well. Anxiety is horrible but there are treatments and support, go and see your GP and tell them how you're feeling 💐

4 children under 9, you are superwoman. Most of us are struggling with 1 or 2!

I don't see the issue with leaving the 3 year old in the car for a minute while in sight but lots of people get very worked up about it. For what's it's worth, I wouldn't have done it mostly for the fear of judgment 😂

It does sound like a general anxiety issue. Do you get any breaks? Do you have a partner?

It's a good thing that others feel able to call out potential dangers to children.

From your perspective you left your child for a minute in a position where you could see them all the time
From other people's perspectives a young child had been left unattended for an indeterminate length of time.

I think it's a good idea for parents to check their judgement occasionally.

If it was genuinely a minute whilst keeping your child in sight the whole time then check your judgement and reassure yourself that this was fine.

However, if the school was only 30 seconds walk away, would it have been better to stand by the car and watch your older children walk there?
Could you really keep your child is sight as you walked away from the car?
Was it actually for longer and you weren't watching your child?

They could take the handbrake off. It happens. But you won't do it again even though you were careful and had a reason. And maybe don't even have the kind of handbrake they can operate.

Fwiw I would have done what you did after checking the mood of the dc to behave and with a quick risk assessment (location, seatbelt on...). It's what you sometimes have to do to get anything done with multiple dc. But lesson learnt for you - don't do it at school even if it means you all hanging around the car park until the last one decides to cooperate and it results in everyone being late and you not being able to keep a job.

Could school send out a member of staff to collect the other DC if they can't walk in by themselves and there's one clinging to the inside?

Don't worry. Even if it was about your child people will forget about it and move on to the next thing. Most people won't know it was you and people who do won't be thinking about it. They'll be thinking about bigger issues.

I agree

It may well have been as you left your child unattended in the car.
What treatment are you having for your mental health?

Getting off Mumsnet helps tbh. People on here talk about what they are judging in a way they never would in real life.

Yanbu, you could see your child and presumably they were locked in/strapped down in seat.

Just for some context: when my dh was 3 he went to nursery on a bus on his own. It was, admittedly, a school bus so it just went round picking up kids, but he was expected to sit there nicely with all the other kids, and so he did. The only adult on board was driving. He was fine. All the kids were fine.

We are very worried about anything happening to our kids these days which is good, but parental judgement is important too - and you should trust yours.

@Griselinia my car is electric . Can’t take handbrake off so no, in my car it doesn’t happen.

Quite likely a teacher saw you OPand reported it, but equally likely to be a parent.

As a general point - schools now are incredibly risk adverse and reactive to any kind of complaints about safety. It’s far, far easier for the school office to send a generic “total ban” when they don’t know the circumstances. A better email might say, “Dear parents and carers, we realise that from time to time it can appear to be both safe and convenient to leave a small child in the car within your sight for a few minutes, once you’ve ascertained there is no risk that they will be distressed, injured or harmed in your absence. However we prefer you to bring all your children with you to the school gate when dropping off or collecting as a matter of policy. Thank you for your understanding.”

We have had loads of these stupid complaints and policy changes.

Child has broken an elbow? All running games on the playground are now banned at dc school as someone complained that “running is dangerous and could lead to a collision that ends in a bad head or limb injury.” I don’t feel judged for wanting my child to be able to run in his breaktimes.

Send my 17 year old daughter ahead to wait with youngest dc at pickup time so he wouldn’t feel sad that as I’m late (it is more slippery than I expected due to wet leaves and I’m on crutches)? I am officially told off at some length by the deputy totalitarian leader of the school as “under 18s aren’t allowed on the premises without an adult present.” I don’t feel judged for that. It’s a stupid rule, and my decision was not unreasonable.

Anyway that’s aside from the point. There will always be a busybody parent. The way I see it, that’s their problem. As long as YOU are happy in your parenting decisions and you realise the school has to respond and will always take the most cautious path so their arses are covered, then you’re good. Don’t overthink it.

🙄 She has three older kids. I’m sure the Op knows this.

I wouldn't have thought anything of it. Most people will be impressed you manage 4 kids. I struggled with two sometimes

You can’t leave a 3 year old alone and awake in a car OP. Not even for 2 minutes. People aren’t judging you but you did something actually dangerous. I know how hard it is when my youngest of 4 was 2 he was having chemo and I had to unload sick him into the buggy from the car to take the older 3 into school. It was hellish. In retrospect I realise I had a DH problem who should have been taking the kids to school or wfh for an hour in the morning to allow me to go without the sick one but also that people at school want to help you and I just had to ask. I didn’t need to struggle on my own!! You might find the answer is parking further away and taking a scooter or similar for 3 year old so they get something fun out of the experience. The only reason your 3 year old thinks they can say no to you and stay alone in the car is that you have let them do this.