Dealing with feeling rejected

[Mayandwest]

I have a 13 month old daughter, and I genuinely feel like she doesn’t like me.

Ive joked with my partner that she prefers him and is a typical ‘daddies girl’, but I can’t help but feel really upset and rejected. Almost every time I’m holding her she screams, cries, tries to push away from me because she wants him. She cries everytime he leaves the room, never when I do. She can be hysterical and then as soon as he holds her, she’s fine. I feel like as her mother, I should be the one to settle her but I can’t. I find it so overwhelming when she screams in my face, slaps me away and pulls my hair I nearly end up crying myself. This isn’t a new thing either it’s been going on for a few months.

I worry that she hasn’t bonded with me. I had PPD and didn’t breastfeed because of how I was feeling mentally, so I feel like we haven’t bonded and honestly I feel like a spare part when we’re together with my partner and it’s especially embarrassing in public, I worry people will think I’m a crap and useless mum and to be honest, that’s how I feel.

Has anyone dealt with this? will it pass?

I’m sorry you’re going through this. If it makes you feel any better I breastfed and had no PPD and both my boys have had phases like this.

My eldest who is now 5 was the most like this as an older baby/young toddler. My husband wouldn’t even be able to take a photo with me on a day out with him because he would have been crying and reaching out for him (we have many photos like this 😢). I took it hard and was very upset about it a lot of the time, esp as I did 90% of his caring etc . By the time he was 16m I was pregnant again and the hormones made my fragility around it worse. I don’t really know what changed but it definitely did at some point. Now as a 5yo, whilst I can see he loves his dad for certain things way more (he’s the one to be playing football/taking him for a bike ride etc), I can tell he appreciates other things I bring to the table. He’s also more aware now so would understand that constantly saying daddy do it might hurt my feelings etc. I just kept telling him how much I loved him and kept trying to show him that. DS2 also had a spell like this but it was less emphatic and shorter.

it may be a short phase, it may be longer, but I promise it will definitely end and even while it’s going on she still loves you.

Just keep telling yourself that it is entirely normal. Kids almost always bond more with a primary figure. This gives them the strongest sense of emotional comfort and security. Traditionally that has always been the mother, but now we are expecting dad's to step up and be propper equal parents. So, there is increasing chance that the primary person ends up being the dad and not the mum.

There is nothing wrong with that though, your kid still loves you, just like they would still love daddy, if you were the primary figure. And once they get a bit older it becomes a non issue and no parent will be the preference. In the meantime relax and try and be thankful that your husband can take on a bit more of the weight of parenting.

Worst thing you could do is try and compete and fight over it, or out do him etc.

It's tough though. Because mummy was always no.1 traditionally, men just don't feel like this. When mum is number 1, they just think "oh that's normal, she's the mum, of course the baby wants her..". They don't internalize it and think it makes them a bad dad. But because for mums it isnt the usual/old/expected way, they are much more likely to think "it's because of something wrong with me". Which you need to remind yourself is 100% not true.