Struggling with my three year old's bedtime and constant boundary battles

[Winchesterway]

I need to start by saying i love my DD very much. However I'm really struggling with my DD's (3) bedtime ever since we stopped using her soother 2 months ago and I know it's unreasonable to be so overwhelmed.

Before we got rid of the soother we would have the odd occasion where she wouldn't settle, which is normal. However since then, nighttime has become a nightmare and I'm turning into a mother I don't like.

The main problem is that she will be nice and calm, about to get into bed and then it starts. Anything from demanding another story when when we've told her it's the last story, taking nappy off (she only wears at night as she isn'tdry overnight), peeing in her nappy deliberately to get a new nappy on, running about the room, pulling stuff out. It eventually gets to a point where she has a meltdown.

Tonight it took 2 hours from her bedtime bath to her finally falling asleep. We had a lovely relaxed evening. Had a bath, got pjs on and read a couple of stories. She asked for a drink, then demanded a clean nappy. I told her her nappy was dry and she didn't need a new one and it spiraled from there. She spent an hour screaming, shouting, crying.

I try to stay calm, and I did until it hit the 30 minute mark. I started raising my voice (not shouting but not calm either) I know I didn't talk to her in a nice way and it makes me feel horrible. It feels like a battle of wills. I set a firm boundary, she melts down. If I hold the boundary she melts down. If I give in, she'll find or do something else that leads to a meltdown. I have to walk away most nights to calm down as I can feel my temper rising and I don't believe in slapping but my nerves are just shattered.

It's affecting my mental health, and my DHs. She does the same for both of us, and my DH struggles with her behaviour more than me. I don't necessarily think she's ND but she's such a hard child. I think this is making dealing with the nighttime tantrums so difficult as it feels constant. She runs away if you don't hold her hand, she does the opposite of what's she told.
Getting ready in the morning is impossible and any time I get up earlier to try to avoid mornings being a rush she wakes up 5 minutes after I'm up. She always wants me and won't let her dad get her ready for nursery once I'm there (it's full on screaming, crying 'i want mammy, mammy do it', kicking and pushing him away) which stresses me out as I'm trying to get ready for work in the office (I can't work from home for another 3 months) and makes my DH feel useless as she literally will not let him go near her.

She is such a loving, kind hearted child but I'm just struggling with the more stubborn side of her personality. I'm not coping well and neither is my DH. I feel like a failure as a parent, I love my daughter so much but the constant battles are wearing me down.

Any advice would be appreciated, or even just hearing from someone who's child was similar that it gets better.

My nearly 4yo has been very similar in the morning. The constant screaming for Mummy and clinging to me etc, or making every step a battle.

Mornings are generally much easier now. Some things that have helped:

• accepting that the meltdown will often happen anyway and it is our job to get through it calmly not to prevent it. Having this mindset reduced my anxiety/stress about failing as a parent a lot, which made dealing with the meltdown easier.
• spacing out the aversive tasks in the morning (toilet, dressing, washing face, brushing teeth, shoes and socks on) with time to play in between
• being clear about boundaries and following through. So if you need to leave for the office and she wants you to do x,y,z don't make yourself late trying to do it for her. Just leave on time and let dad deal with it. The biggest meltdown DS ever had in the morning was when DH actually left for work without us being ready to leave at the same time (he likes to walk to the car with daddy). But it significantly reduced all the mucking about for ever afterwards.

With my DS, the morning stresses are all at heart because he doesn't want to go to nursery and finds the transition hard. So you can make all the tricky bits easier and he is still stressed out and sometimes misbehaving. Sometimes naming it helps - "I know you find it hard going to nursery, especially after the weekend." Sometimes it doesn't.

I don't have much to offer for the evening fuss, except to say that we have had really difficult bedtimes at times (Big tantrums about wanting one parent specifically. No the other one. No not you) and it's very frustrating and depressing, especially when it feels personally rejecting. But things have also got much better and are ok at the moment. We try to alternate which parent does bed and if needed the other one goes for a walk. If it's gone sideways and I can tell DH needs a break or vice versa we swap.

Things also improved as DS got a better understanding of time. He now can accept "Light goes off when the clock hand is on the 3. These things need to be done now if you want any time for stories"

Thanks so much for the advice here, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply.

I didn't get much a response of a response to this thread but thought I would update.

I ended up giving DD her soother back at nighttime. I know it goes against all advice, but honestly the difference I'm DD the last few nights (and mornings) means I made the right decision. The soother was the only comforter she ever took to, and she clearly still needs it to sleep. The rule is very clear that she needs to be in bed to get it, and she has no interest in having it during the day again thankfully.

She is sleeping from 8-8.30pm and 7.30-8.00am again. She is much happier in the mornings as her quality of sleep seems to be better. We still have some messing at bedtime like before we took the soother away but she settles without a meltdown and is happy going to sleep.

We'll work towards getting rid of the soother at nighttime when the time is right.

Thanks for posting this. I have been experiencing something similar with my nearly 3 year old. Just so hard to get him to bed as he is running away at every opportunity. I have to be up by 6am so am trying everything.

What seems to work the most is really having to make sure he gets lots of exercise in the day so he is tired. We are out all day on non nursery days which helps a bit (though I don't get anything else done!) Also, he still naps but if I let him nap too long then the nights are horrendous. I also lie down next to him and hold him still or just sit on the bed and ignore the behaviour until he gets bored.

I'm hoping someone else comes along with a magic solution!

She’s lookIng for control and in the mornings I’d keep it a simple routine, try not to react, she goes to nursery as she is so even if not dressed she goes in her pyjamas (I had to do this once and they got changed in the car and never did it again). Sticker chart for behaviour in the mornings, gets ready without lots of fuss and gets a treat.