How can we stop our nearly three-year-old coming into our bed?

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Hello looking for some advice. My DS will be 3 in July. Moved to his own bed in Jan (as he could by then escape his cot). He has come in at some point in the night and got into our bed probably 50% of the nights since then. In the last few weeks though it’s been every single night and he’s coming in earlier and earlier. The main issue is he has also started to sleep in a horizontal position! He’s between me and DH and we’re just not sleeping well ourselves. Any tips on how to get him back to sleeping in his own bed? Even if it’s just most of the time/most of the night? He’s very happy to start off in his own bed. Thanks in advance.

What happened when he woke in his crib – did he cry out and you came in? If so, he’ll be seeking the same comfort, but the difference now is that he can access you directly instead of having to call you. On the other hand, if he used to settle himself back without your interference, then you’ll want to look at how to facilitate that/remind him how to do it now he can roam. Consistently moving/walking him back to his room each time may help re-establish that; as could a child gate so he can’t leave his room.

Whatever you choose to do, it needs to be consistent. If you don’t mind him in your bed sometimes it will send him a mixed message, so you need to decide if you want him to not do that at all or if you actually don’t mind and let him. (And maybe see if you can buy a bigger bed!)

Just get a bigger bed.

Take him back into his bed. Even if you have to do it again and again. DS is the same age (June born) and he knows he can’t come into our room until it’s morning on the gro clock. Even if we’re half an hour out we take him back to his bed (or tell him to go back to bed, because he’s perfectly capable of walking on his own)

Super nanny back to bed routine, look it up. It won’t be easy but will be worth it.

Is he warm enough?
Kicking blankets off?
Room too light /dark.
Fact - wearing socks to bed helps get the body to the best temp to get into a deep sleep.
Gate on the door?
Token 20p to save towards a treat if he stays in his own bed.. Ime. Though prob not get away with less than a pound these days!! Ds is now 30 so a long time since I did that!

You just have to keep taking them back to bed. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Same stock phrase, minimal emotional, minimal engagement. You might have 5-7 terrible nights but that’s better than indefinite slightly less terrible nights.

Thank you! I get your point about consistency. He used to self settle in the cot for the most part so he’s definitely capable of that. We have a super king so can’t go any bigger with the bed! He’s just very tall and sleeps horizontally lol. I did say to my husband “imagine if we still just had a double!”

This is great advice thank you. I was thinking DS was too young to understand a GroClock but if it’s working for you I will look into it for sure.

To be honest I think he’s fine! He just happens to wake up and then thinks “ooh I’ll go in with mum and dad”. He still sleeps in a sleep bag so is warm enough I think. But it’s one with legs so his feet could be chilly…I will try socks for sure!

yes think we’ll have to do this. I just don’t want him to think he can’t come in if he is scared/upset etc but at this point we all just need good sleep. Thank you.

It’s a fine line. Because yes, he needs support and comfort if he’s upset or frightened. BUT oversupporting and attention can feed the behaviour loop, whereby habit and attention becomes a big driver, rather than the actual fear/upset.

It’s best done gradually. So first is taking him back to his room and staying with him, after a few days of that you stay by the door, then outside the door etc. It may be a painful and tiring few weeks, but you’ll be much better off in the long run.

I’m currently going through similar with my 8yr old who has always been a great sleeper but is going through a phase of fear of dark/being alone. We’ve got stuck in a habit of staying with him in his room – but it’s not helping in the long run, so we’re going to bite the bullet and gradually decrease the support.

I have received all this advice from a counsellor from the Mind charity.

I’ll let you know when my almost 5 year old stops 😆
(FWIW the almost 7 year old stays in her bed and has consistently for quite some time)

Our kids have full size beds so we usually swap out an adult (the more sleep deprived) to go and sleep alone in the child’s bed and the child stays in the big bed with the remaining parent.
I know 3 is big when comparing to a baby but my feeling is that they are ultimately still mammal babies who want to sleep near an adult.
Mine would / do also sleep quite deeply next to a parent so I have no qualms hooley-ing them about the bed if they encroach on my side too much.

I put a baby gate on the door. This didn’t work as she would rattle it like some caged animal and then eventually she would climb over it. So it was literally the super nanny approach of picking up, and returning. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. I have to say OP, it was bloody exhausting. And she would cry so it would be equally upsetting. But I never spoke to her during this process, it was just a case of pick up and return. It did break my heart at times but I finally cracked it. I did occasionally though come across her some nights laid on the landing outside my door with all her teddies, fast asleep 🥹.

He absolutely needs to know tgat you will be there for him if he is scared or upset but, if you don’t want him in your bed, then your comforting of him takes place in his room. You have to be prepared to take him back to bed and sit with him until he feels ok to be left. He may test this a few times so be prepared with a big dressing gown or a blanket so you don’t get cold. He should feel safe and cared for in the night and providing that safety is absolutely your role, but it does not have to happen in your room.
Neither of my DDs ever came into our bed. It did mean I spent time on their floors if they were sad or unwell but never for very long. They knew that if they called for me in the night I was coming, I was staying as long as needed but I was also very, very boring during nighttime hours. One phrase repeated over and over like “You’re not on your own. I’m close by but it’s time to rest” and a calm physical presence as often as you like, but I’m not fun until morning.

That’s so helpful thank you

Would he be ok with having a nest near your bed instead? Or you having a bed in his room?

I would find a way to accommodate his need to be close with you at night tbh.

2 of mine were like this and we just went with it. They're big now and haven't needed it for YEARS. I have no regrets for snuggling them when they needed it. I remember going through to my parents bed and being snuggled up and feeling safe. It's a good feeling.

Haha yes I’m a bit scared to move him about in case he wakes but you’re quite right, they do sleep deeply next to you

It’s simply a habit hes been allowed to develop. I agree with the super nanny approach, you’re going to have to be consistent and regimented to take him back to him room every single time. Reinforcement and praise when he stays in his room.

Bless her on the landing! This is all helpful, thank you

Have you still got his cot mattress in the house? Make a bed for him on your floor. Tell him he can come into your room, but needs to sleep on his bed, not Mum and Dad's.
Don't stop him coming to you - he obviously needs it. Just make it so everyone sleeps when it happens.

yes we do! I like this idea!

I would get the gro clock and say if he stays in his own bed until the clock goes green he gets a reward in the morning like an episode of TV or a special cereal or something, doesn’t matter what really so long as it’s immediate. Pre empt asking for water in the night by putting a no spill sippy cup on his bedside table. And I would get him a double bed, with a proper duvet and pillow like you have in case that’s part of the appeal and if there are nights where he can’t manage on his own like he’s unwell or has a nightmare then you get in his bed with him. It’ll be easier to establish a boundary around your bed when it’s super clear that it’s permanently off limits.

Nip it in the bud now! I didn't with ds2, and seen it as we were all sleeping so that was the main thing. He was still coming in at the end of primary! Wouldn't even notice him coming in as we were so used to it.

Oh my goodness please don't start making nests on floors for you or him! How is that teaching normality? 😳 Just gently teach him that we all have separate beds and although you're always there if he needs you we stay in our own beds at night. And that you need sleep too!

@Laiste so, Mum and Dad are allowed to share a bed, but a 3 year old needs to sleep alone?? That may be the way things have gone on the last 50 years, but it is not the norm - in the mammal kingdom, or in much of the world.
This 3 year old is showing his parents his instinct to sleep with others is still strong.