Inattentive kid - help and advice needed

[CoastandChips]

Help please!

My DS (9.5) is really, really inattentive and it's really becoming a problem in our household. He is doing well at school, is happy and has lovely friends but seems unable to follow instructions... at all.

An example - this morning I asked him three times to get his bag (which was packed and sat by the door) and three times he said "yep" and walked straight past it. Another example - "please go and get ready for bed" will lead to him doing literally anything other than putting his pyjamas on. Literally 95% of tasks aren't done unless we remind him 3 or 4 times. It's not defiance, but it's like the instructions I give him go in one ear and straight out the other.

I have tried to let him fail - this morning I left his school bag on the floor in the hallway so consequently he'll have to have school dinners which he doesn't like. He cried, and I feel like an arsehole. I have also tried to get him to make lists, which he did... then he lost them. I've tried the "what do you notice?" thing when trying to get him to think about chores... but it involves me standing in the room repeating "what do you notice" until I'm hoarse and the bedroom is still a pigsty.

I have read a lot of tips for children with ADHD (he doesn't have a diagnosis, but this seems similar to him, without the hyperactivity/impulsivity) but everything centres on giving a lot of instructions, really scaffolding the day, and providing memory aids like visual charts.

Obviously I want to help my son but I don't want to create a system of him having to rely on me constantly foreshadowing his needs. This is for two reasons: one (selfishly, perhaps) I am already carrying the mental load for the household, along with being at work full time and two, I want to enable him to function independently as a human and not have to be reliant on the mental and emotional labour of other people. I just don't want to create another man who places that burden on his partner!

Has anyone been in a similar position and been able to find a system which works, which enables you to draw back and give them the tools to manage their own life?

Any tips and hints would be welcome as I am at my wits end, and every option I try seems to make me feel like a shit mum. Thanks.

I think you have to let him fail and cry! He’s obviously immature. Most dc delay getting ready for bed. Maybe he packs his lunch just before you leave? Sounds like he’s over burdened with requests really. I used to say to my dc “have you got your pe kit” or “don’t forget your violin “. If they ignored me, they put up with the consequences. Maybe crying is his way of caring and he might learn? I’d back off the chores and you sound annoying with the questions! Maybe let him fail?

Yeah I probably am annoying with the questions but I am really, really struggling. Genuinely, just looking for some advice about how to help my son function as an adult without becoming another bloke who waits for his mother/partner to "write me a list"

Get him on a waiting list for ADHD asap considering it takes 6+ years to get any treatment.

Then as someone with ADHD and ADHD kids, the support needs to be built into the environment. Rather than getting narked at him for something he's not even consciously doing and can't make himself be more conscious of, approach it as a problem to solve together and work out systems. Ross Greene's book Raising Human Beings should be helpful here. I've also found it helpful to follow some content online by OTs (occupational therapists). If private OT who will do home visits is an option that might be good too.

IME the approach by Ross Greene is game changing because you are teaching him how to slow down and solve a problem in advance of it being a problem the next time.

The other resource I find good is using a chat bot like Gemini or chat gpt to sort of feed in the scenario my child is having difficulty with and ask it what executive functions or developmental skills are involved in that task, because it can usually point me in a helpful direction of where the task might be going wrong. Obviously only use this as a very rough idea because it can get things wrong. But it gives you suggestions to try.

The book Smart but Scattered might be good as well.

@CoastandChips It’s really good you are employing techniques for ADHD / poor executive function. I know it might feel like they are not working, but he is still only 9 (and ADHD comes hand in hand with immaturity when it comes to expectations of what they can manage on their own).

I promise you, if you keep scaffolding, you should hopefully see rewards in the long term. DS was diagnosed AuDHD in Y5 (and he has inattentive type ADHD), and now in Y9, he is able to follow a lot of the visual guides and stuff himself (though I am afraid I am still shouting every morning about 15 times for him to get up).
I like to tread cautiously on the “let them fail”
front - I don’t truly believe they learn from consequences in the same way as an NT child might, and I’ve found all it does it massively dysregulate him and destroy his day. But as he has got older, there has definitely been more of letting him experience the consequences. It is tricky!!

I too still worry about how DS is going to function as an independent adult, but I see how far he has come in the last 5 years, and have hope!

Thank you - great tips, I'll have a look at those books on ebay. Much appreciated!

Thank you @TeaandHobnobs - that's really reassuring actually! God, kids are such a minefield!

@BertieBotts Thanks for the recommendation of Smart but Scattered - I’m going to check that one out!

He is a 9 year old boy. This is not untypical.

If he does not pick up his school bag he needs to deal with the consequences without you feeling bad. You ask him once and if he does not do it he will gradually realise actions (or inactions!) have consequences.

How many 9 year old boys trot off and get ready for bed at the first request?

How many 9 year old boys are good at tidying their bedrooms?

Maybe try this:

• One reminder about school bag, then no more.
• Give lots of warning before it is bedtime - "It will be time to go to bed at 9 - there are 20 minutes left, 15 minutes etc." Then take him by the hand to the bathroom and get him to clean his teeth, then to his bedroom and leave him to it - just walk away.
• Bedroom untidy? Do not stand there and issue orders, because that is you taking responsibility for it rather than him. First of all ask yourself what the tidying is about - is how it is a big problem? Will it prevent him sleeping? Is cleaning the room a problem with the mess? If so, on cleaning day, take him by the hand to his room and give him the vacuum and let him do it himself.
• Help him make a list of what he needs to be doing, laminate it, and fix it to the door. You can then refer him to it when needed.

I used to let my children have messy rooms - I just closed the door on it. There eventually came a point when it was too much even for them and they would tackle it!

Whatever you do it will not be a walk in the park, but avoiding constant confrontation needs to be more of a priority than the actual tasks.

I have a delightful DGS of about the same age and he lives in a dream world of his own - it is somewhere I would quite like to go!

@CoastandChips He can rely on you for some things at 9. He’s not an adult. If he’s like this at 15, then get concerned!