Parenting teens 50-50 with an ex whose rules are much stricter

[Flexijane]

Looking for advice / anyone who’s had experience of parenting teens with an ex.
Separated 5 years now and the kids are now teens (girls of 14 and 17) and live 50/50, changing houses every 7 days. We live in the same town.
Ex has got increasingly punitive with his parenting whilst I’ve got more relaxed (I read parenting of teen books and want them to learn to trust themselves, find themselves etc) Not saying I’m a perfect parent, no such thing!
But the teens complain to me all the time (calls and texts) about how he won’t take them to their clubs as they’ve been rude to him or haven’t done enough music practice,
or whatever it is. They always feel he’s being unfair - his personality I think is quite controlling, which worked when they were young but not so now. He cares deeply for them, they are literally ‘his world’ (he doesn’t work or see friends anymore and is quite reclusive) He used to be a very good parent, fair and balanced, favours board games over screens etc.
Now he thinks I’m a terrible parent as I’m not willing to ‘co-parent’ with him anymore as he’s too strict and we have our own rules now. I don’t tolerate rudeness and they have to do a small amount of chores but I let them manage their own time and make their own decisions - as I feel they need to learn consequences, and learn to trust their instincts. After all, I do know what being a woman is like, and it’s natural for teenage girls to have more affinity with their mothers at this age.
I want to let the teens live with me full time (they’ve told me they want to) and visit him / stay there when they want to, but fear that if I tell my ex that’s what is going to happen, he will lose it, and it will totally ruin the cordial relationship we have managed to cultivate since separating. He’s not been physically abusive but I think emotionally abusive with me as he’s full of anger (I kept the family home as it was mine to start with)
He won’t accept that I have contact with some of his family still, even though they reach out to me as well - he thinks they’re his and I shouldn’t have any contact with them anymore. His mother no longer speaks to me, I haven’t been told why - it’s dreadfully upsetting to me. It was a mutual separation.

Anyway, by staying as we are and doing nothing I feel I am both having to watch my teens have an excruciatingly stressful time at his house (at a time when being a teenager is hard already) as well as teaching them that ‘the man of the family always gets his way’. Which is a terrible lesson to teach them.

Would love some advice please, thanks so much for reading!

At their age they decide where they live and how much contact they want with their dad. Presumably they both have phones … I’d tell them and him that all communication is direct and don’t get involved.

Unless of course he gets nasty with them.

You don’t need a cordial relationship with him .. you don’t need any relationship!

Not taking them to clubs as they’ve been rude is not unreasonable. I wouldn’t call it strict it’s something I’d absolutely do. Also not sure about why it’s a big deal them living full time with you. Surely at their age they can decide if they want to go or not? Unless there is a court order.

I think at their ages their opinion of where they want to live will be taken into account. I understand that the thought of telling him that they want to live with you full time is stressful and that it will cause issues in terms of your co-parenting relationship, but it does sound like a stressful environment for them to be in so I think it’s a conversation that needs to be had.

It sounds like it’s a big deal because their father will kick off about them not spending 50% of the time with him. It doesn’t sound like he’s the type to cheerfully accept the new arrangement.

I think you should go back to court and have the children's wishes and feelings evaluated. They shouldn't have to live with a parent they're finding harsh in the ways you've mentioned unless they want to. His feelings about it are his own problem - they should not have to try and appease him.

Could you ask to meet with him to discuss aligning your parenting. Could you listen to his point of view and then tactically say that you used to feel very similar but you have read some very interesting books on parenting that explain why it is important to let adolescents have more freedom and make their own mistakes and be accountable for their time. Say you don't expect him to automatically agree with those books, but you'd love him to read them and you'd value his opinion of them.

I would also chat to him with a single goal in mind and negotiate around it. That goal would be that he always honours their attendance at clubs, as this is crucial for the development of their extra curricular skills. If he wants to ground them, ask that he does not include clubs in this rule as they could miss out on valuable training or practice sessions. That's like forcing them to stay hom efrom school.

Meanwhile, chat to DC and explain that they might need to meet him half way and try to see the benefits of some of his rules. Doing your music practice/homework/keeping your room tidy are good habits.

Encourage them to be strategic and to practice when he can hear them, or to explain that much of this week's practice is theory or composition so he won't hear them playing, but he can look at their theory/composition notebooks if he needs proof they have done the work.

It's probably obvious from my post but I disagree with posters suggesting you escalate the tension by encouraging them to live full time with you/cut off relationship with their father/suggest you don't need a cordial relationship with him. His rules sound different to yours but not actually cruel. And they come from a desire to help his children learn self-discipline and boundaries. I agree with you that his methods aren't the best but that doesn't mean he should lose his parental rights.

Talk and listen to each other - all four of you. Unless he is far more controlling than you say here, there should be a way through this which allows your teens to continue to have a proper deep, relationship with their dad in their formative years.

I would see if you can have a session together with a neutral mediator. He is alienating them and risks damaging his relationship with them.

Wow so many comments already thanks so much everyone. That’s right, he will definitely not accept them wanting to live with me full time. We didn’t marry or arrange anything through the courts, we agreed the arrangement alone - well, he would only move out if I agreed to 50/50 and at that point I was desperate for him to be out the house! We’d got on pretty well once we’d agreed to separate, but it was about 18 months before he actually moved out (it was over COVID).
I have suggested we meet with a mediator as he is very hard to deal with and I want to protect myself emotionally but he point blank refuses. He’s a very private person and can’t tolerate anyone else’s views. Yes, it does feel that the teens are having to ‘appease’ him (e.g. younger daughter did her music practice but he still refuses to take her to her club that evening as he didn’t think it was long enough - she said she did 30 mins, some short breaks but didn’t leave the room - he said because he couldn’t hear it continuing it wasn’t the full 30 mins. See what I mean? It’s a battle of wills!)

But the teens complain to me all the time (calls and texts) about how he won’t take them to their clubs

At 14 and 17, why can't they take themselves to their clubs?

He is alienating them and risks damaging his relationship with them.

Because he doesn't tolerate rudeness?

Do ‘parental rights’ trump the wishes of the children, particularly the 17 year old who will be an adult next year? The courts would absolutely take into account the wishes of children of their ages.

Well I guess it depends on where the clubs are and the availability of public transport in the area. For my DD to get to football training alone she’d have to walk 6 miles each way.

You say that, but if you love your children, you want to support and protect them. Oftwn that is from a parent.

They’re old enough to vote with their feet. Give them keys to your house and tell them they’re welcome to be there whenever they want.

I suspect there’s a middle ground here and they don’t do any homework or music practice at yours… But mandating it for a 17yo is ridiculous.

Did you separate because he is controlling? This is important because there is a line between discipline, instilling good habits and life skills, and coercive control and what your daughters learn about healthy relationships.

It’s their decision not his! I’d left home at 17. This should be their choice.