Struggling massively with motherhood and no village. Please be kind 🥺

[Eddiehollymillie]

I am 37 with a 7yo son, 5yo daughter and 2 yo daughter. I have been a stay at home mum since I had my son and was made redundant after having my daughter. I worked nights as a maternity care assistant as bank for a while until I was dropped after having my 3rd.
Anyway, years ago I never thought I’d have kids until my dad died suddenly and quickly at the age of 69 when I was only 28. At that point he had all his children with him and I realised then family really mattered. Roll on 3 kids and I am really struggling. I had therapy last year for my emetophobia, OCD and anxiety though I loved the lady I saw and it helped, my head I still stuck in this rut. I so won’t to find joy, love being with my kids but my husband and I do this alone. His dad and stepmum moved to France (didn’t live near us before either) and his loving and helpful mum and stepdad live 3 hours away. I have my mum nearby but she’s not the most maternal or helpful and my sister 5 hours away. My husband is self employed and he feels so much pressure and feels lonely. I’m at home with 2yo and doing all school stuff and feel equally as lonely. We are barely surviving this life at the moment and I just wanted to hear from fellow parents with multiple young kids and how you’re surviving this and any tips to enjoy this anymore would be so appreciated.
I also totally understand I am lucky as I have a best friend and sister in law struggling to have babies, it’s just how I feel right now. As it stands I just feel so bored, lonely, exhausted and wishing my old life with ky husband and dog 😞

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Unfortunately I am not in your position to empathise, but I can see how grinding being a SAHM must be. I wish it could be me with three lovely children but it can’t and I know the grass isn’t always greener!

You have had a toddler/baby for the past 7 years. You are probably not getting the gains yet from all the excellent parenting you have done because the spread of ages means you have been in the same phase for so long. Think how far your seven year old has come, even just toileting themselves, any independent play, that’s all down to you! With the younger ones you can’t reap the benefits of it yet, but it will come!

With three and living at your workplace 24/7, it must be hard to get any time to be yourself. Is there anything you are able to do just for you? I’m on my first maternity leave and have started painting designs on the inside of cupboards as a micro project to amuse myself. Is there’s something you can do that would feel like yourself?

@Eddiehollymillie - I really understand how challenging this is. I also have 3 kids (teens/young adults now). Am an only child - my dad died when I was a teenager and my mum when I was in my early 30s. DH not close to his family at all - they are extremely difficult. After several years of struggle/horrible behaviour from them, I have zero contact, and they see my DH and our kids very rarely (think once every 2 years).

As a result, I had no family village for support. My solution to this was to build my own village! I am fortunate enough to have a handful of amazing female friends and we all support each other immensely. Kids have grown up together and have truly wonderful friendships with these families as a result. I would also say - not only does it get easier as your kids get older, but it can also be quite liberating not having ‘family’ obligations and stresses to deal with!

Being at home with a toddler can be exhausting but the time does go quickly. When your youngest is at school, life with become easier and you will have more time for yourself, and it will all feel like less of a struggle, I promise! X

Sorry you’re feeling this way OP. I can empathise, some of this I could have written myself - down to the emetophobia and longing for a life pre-children 😞
What I’ve come to realise is that it’s not uncommon to have no ‘village’, I know a few people in this situation. I have family close by and they don’t provide any support, to the point that they’re completely unaware of mental health struggles I’ve faced since having children. I make time for my friends with children and spending time with them really does help us all. Sorry, I’m no help but I wanted you to know that you’re not alone in feeling this way. I do hope things start to improve for you soon!

I have had a lifelong struggle with multiple mental health issues and I have been a single mum of 3. I had my first two children by 20 and I had a 9yr relationship with their dad but he left me for someone else when they we're 2 and 3 and didn't bother with them or provide for them at all. I really tried my best to get on with, I remained on my own but wasn't dealing with my mental health as I thought I might have them taken from me, but it backfired, I got really unwell and they had to go live with their dad at 9 and 10 at that point I felt like I had lost everything and just didn't care about what happened to me, so I found myself in a relationship with a man who turned out to be a horrible, disgusting human who abused me in every way possible to make things worse I got pregnant with him, he wanted me to have a abortion so I managed to get away from him, then just before my 20 week scan he got back in contact with me and was being really nice, I stupidly let him back in my life and it wasn't long before he became cruel again, I spent the last couple of months terrified my baby would get hurt, my blood pressure was so high I kept getting sent to hospital, they would ask if I'm under any stress, I would say no too scared to tell the truth I couldn't lose another child, I had my son but after a few days I noticed I was feeling unwell, long story short I ended up with lifelong chronic physical illness, I spent everyday of my son's life in a lot of pain and fatigued, but I eventually got away from my now ex and somehow still managed to bring up my son with no help, I have no family or friends completely isolated, my only reason for getting out of bed was my son and he's now 11 and he's a truly lovely child and as hard as it has been, trust me I very nearly ended my life at one point, I look at him and I am so proud, proud of him, but proud of myself, I have been through hell and I go through hell everyday but somehow I still did it, so you just need to take each day as it comes, ride out the bad days, be greatful for the good day's and don't put too much pressure on yourself. If you know you are doing the best you can that's all you need and your kid's will love you no matter what. Be proud of yourself for trying and one day you will look back and think I did it, just like me x

What have you done to try to make friends/ mum friends?
Are the kids in clubs/ activities?
What resources are in your area where you could connect with local people?

Trying to get out as much as possible. Going to the gym in the evening, exercise really helps my mental health. I also recently joined a choir one evening a week.

Also trying to practice gratitude (god that sounds wanky). It actually does help trying to change perspective on your life. Positive affirmations and all that shit. I've recently watched lots of Paul McKenna's YouTube videos, I really like him.

I work part time though, in a job I hated before my children but now is my lifeline. I really recommend getting some kind of work even a few hours in a shop. The social interaction and different environment helps so much.

If you're in the south east I'd love to meet up. Lonely mum to a 6 and 2 year old with no village apart from my husband.

Thank you so much for your reply and I’m really sorry you lost both your parents at a young age. Must have been really hard for you. I really need to get better at building myself a village. I have a few friends with kids that are already in their teens and a few with 2yos but sadly scattered around the south so not always easy to get together. I did join a school mums book club which was fully out of my comfort zone but glad I did and have 2.5 books so far this year which is progress 😂 my 2yo starts nursery in Sept so I’d love to find myself a little job if I can