Feel hurt by my 11 year old

[StunningandBrave40]

My daughter is 11. She’s bright as a button. Kind, funny, sparky, but recently we’re seeing some moods etc. Nothing out of the ordinary. She has some big changes coming up. Secondary school etc. I try to pick my battles.

She is an adored child, to put it bluntly. Shes the centre of our world (she and her little sister, who is 7). I try to give her some independence and we’ve gradually increased this over the last year to a level we’re both comfortable with. I do find this difficult, to be honest, but I allow and facilitate it anyway because I know I shouldn’t let my anxiety hold her back.

I also have a full time, full on career. I scaled it right back for years when the girls were small, worked part time and even took a step down so that I could be around for them in the early years. I ramped it back up when they went to school and now I’m full time (but work pretty flexibly and can work from home a couple of days each week so I’m still around). Its really busy and sometimes I have to work a bit in the evenings to keep up etc. but I think I have always put the girls first.

11 and I had a row tonight (well, she was rowing, I was trying to calm her down). Over nothing really - basically I really need her to go to after school club with her sister tomorrow (for 40 minutes) and she doesn’t want to.

Well she hit the roof. She said some pretty hurtful things. I don’t trust her, I should never have had children because all I care about is my job. She hates me, her life is crap, she doesn’t want to live here any more and when she was away at Guide Camp she realised how unhappy she was at home. Her friends have much better lives, all we do is nag and moan, hates her sister etc etc.

I tried to get to the root of it but got nowhere. Eventually I left her alone to calm down and now she is asleep. I can’t sleep. I feel awful. It’s so fucking hard, keeping the plates spinning, and clearly I am failing her somewhere.

I don’t really know what to do with this.

Just a bit of solidarity OP, I have a daughter the same age and stage. We have increased independence the last few months to prepare her and because she's craving it. But she hasn't been herself since Easter hols, I think they are just dealing with SO much. She's actually been a delight since the weekend, I think she's relieved sats are actually here because the pressure (not from us!) has built up. There is so much going on for them at the moment.

I imagine her outburst was triggered mainly because she’s potentially going to be the only year 6 in after school club, and she will be terribly embarrassed if her friends find out? Why not ask her? Humiliation in front of peers is absolutely dreaded at this age. I’m not sure why a limited 40 mins. at home alone isn’t a good place to start? You’ll feel the same whenever the first time happens. It’s her last term in primary, so perfect to practice more independence for the next stage.

Yeah I mean I’m happy to not send her again, we will discuss it properly tonight, but I need her to just go today and get on with it.

COMPROMISE!. Ask her to do the afterschool club this time- as a favour to you to look after her little sister. And if she does that, you will look at her having a key and letting herself into the house after school- but it needs to be planned and prepared for

How far away is school to your house? If it’s a reasonable distance why are you not ok with her having a key and walking home? My dd is 10 in yr5 and she has keys. She very rarely needs them but just in case. She would never need to cook but I have snacks available and good neighbours if needed.

Totally normal for an 11 year-old girl to have an outburst like this over something relatively small.

Also totally normal for them to make comments around the fact that they feel hard done by in comparison to their friends… spoiler alert, they don’t actually mean it and you know the truth, which is that they have a happy and safe home with reasonable boundaries.

Letting her have some space to calm down is the right thing to do. I always go out of my way to de-escalate because experience tells me you won’t win the fight in the moment.

Discuss with her putting a plan in place to leave her alone in the house for short periods in the build up to secondary school. Go through unlocking the front door with her and get her a key if she doesn’t already have one. This way you were showing that you trust her and you are taking steps towards independence but at a pace you are comfortable with.

What I wouldn’t do is apologise for what happened. You had a legitimate reason to say no and you enforced that decision. Unfortunately, if they sniff out weakness, they will use it against you and make you doubt yourself hence this thread!

Simple she needs to meet you halfway by going to the club today. Then if she is willing to stay on her own while you drop her sister to her club two times(or however many you deem fits) and then should she be ok with that you will allow her to let herself to the house on the odd occasions that she needs to. That sounds fair to me

as for the nasty things she said. She needs to apologise. But bear in mind it’s hormones and she is being a madam. If it’s any consolation I said awful things to my parents and then as an adult I’ve apologised for how I was so keep strong for her, support her, tell her when she is in the wrong and when she is in the right and hopefully she will see the light when she’s older and she will apologise

Oh and don’t take it personally! They will take no prisoners at this age.

I get you don’t want to back down but she is 11 and leaving school in 2mths

today is a good day to try as it’s only 40mins and not hours

all the yr 6 walk home alone at our school if they can and tbh would be laughter at going to asc by their friends

And she needs to apologise and mean it first.

Sounds like she has been ‘adored’ too much.
What a nasty thing to do over 40 minutes of her life.

Have you asked her WHY she is so angry about going to the after school club for forty minutes this one time? Does she have an alternate suggestion, perhaps going home with a school friend? I'm not saying you should reward bad behaviour, but it could be useful to know WHY she feels so strongly. Just for example, if it is - as a PP suggested - that she'll be teased by her peers for being seen going to the club then telling it's only one time might not help.

Also, it sounds like you have rearranged your life for years to be there for her and her sister, and she is still angry. Is she expressing this same amount of anger, or more, about her dad working and not being home when she wants someone home? If not, there may be some weird misogyny going on here that bears looking into.

Solidarity here, same age DD, same temper/wild mood swings!
Agree compromise is probably the way to get today sorted (please just go today DD, we’ll talk about what’s needed so you don’t have to go again)
I also try to de-escalate in the moment but will bring it up in a calm way later and explain to DD that what was said/how it was said was hurtful and unacceptable which by that point she usually already knows. I lean on the fact that if she didn’t feel safe and loved she wouldn’t feel able lash out, exactly like toddlers!

She’s smacking head first into puberty Op. she’s just saying whatever she thinks will hit hardest.

11 was the hardest age for us so far. All the demands, none of the maturity. I personally think it would be fine for her to be home, but I wouldn’t want to give into a massive tantrum - particularly as she hasn’t been keen to be home alone before so this is almost certainly a control thing where she’s testing her boundaries.

Obviously she’s going to after school club and then you can work on her independence as she should be okay home alone for a short period during the day like this. But on your end, I really encourage you to try not to take it personally - worse is likely coming as she figures out how to grow up and detach a bit. Of course my kids hurt my feelings sometimes, but I try to find the humour in it too - and to remember my own teenage years!

I agree with pp that she's old enough to let herself in and stay at home alone for 40 mins.

But I also understand OP that this caught you on the hop and that wasn't what you had planned and you just need her to stick to the plan.

Have a chat with her and explain this. Say her behaviour was unacceptable and you are listening to her but she needs to be nicer about it. Then forget it and move on.

Don't start questioning your career choices or feeling like a terrible parent. You know those threads when posters ask which is the worst age and most people say teens? This is why. They can be horrible.

My 11 year old plays until I’m home if they don’t want to go to after school club (usually for around 45 minutes) in the local park or walks to the local shop. In the winter it’s different and they’d be in after school club but in the summer a lot of the kids are playing around together after school on their way home.

Lots of children/teenagers don’t see their own part in anything. They are so often the root of a problem, but can’t make the link unless it’s explained.

in this instance the problem is that she is far too old for after school club, I doubt there will be any other year 6s there, and should be coming home alone, but the root is her not wanting to in the past, so as a result of that and her, you’re not comfortable

she’d will have to suck up this 40 mins as a result of her decision to not ‘practice’ being home alone

This is small to you, but it's big to her. Tell her to go today and you will start a plan to build up to her being home alone and letting herself in and out. She'll be at Secondary school soon and it will be the norm there. I think this has come to a head at just the right time tbh.

You need to tell her that we all have to do things we don't want to sometimes, and on this occasion there is no other option so she has to go. Also tell her the way she talked to you was unacceptable and not to be repeated. If she has any problems she wants to talk about you can sit down and have a chat about things.

It is not your fault and you are not a bad mum, in the moment some of her friends lives may look better but I'm sure they all have their problems as well.

She has a point. It’s odd that she can’t be home alone for 40 mins at 11. And she’s right you don’t trust her. Instead of negotiating you say you “need” her to go to club, apparently to manage your own anxiety about an 11 year old being home alone for very short period. I can see why she’s upset and why she’s frustrated that you’re not listening.

Most women need to work, but that does mean our kids have to work around our timetables as well as vice versa, it also limits family time and means that we’re not always there for them when they need us to be. From a child’s perspective that can seem like the job is more important. They don’t care how many plates were spinning just about the ones that crash if it involves them.

Isn’t your DD doing her KS2 SATS this week and just dumping her stress on you? They vent and let it all out and can say some terrible stuff, but you cannot take it personally. If need be I used to wear an airpod with some calming music in one ear. It is more like a toddler tantrum really. Do not take it personally as you will get quite a lot of this if it has already started.

We always let our kids know that if we didn't work hard, we couldn't afford all the beautiful places that we go to visit every year or the car or the house.
I don't understand this tip-toeing around kids today - we are bringing up a generation of entitled people that will expect the world to adjust to them, and they are in for a shock when they grow up.
I don't even understand why you feel you need to explain yourself why you're working full-time. My mom worked 7am-3pm her whole life and we knew there was no way we can make her stay home unless we were sick. We never questioned this as we knew all adults work because that's where the money comes from.

Kids don’t necessarily care about beautiful places or cars etc sometimes they just need to feel heard. DD isn’t trying to make her mum stay home, merely asking to be allowed to be at home herself for 40 mins. If OP can get on top of her anxiety, it will actually help her going forward for DD to be more independent.

You're a better Mum than I am as if I were spoken to like that, I would not be best pleased.

I appreciate hormones are at play here but the grass is not always greener. Explain to her you could give up your job but she can say goodbye to any clubs, hobbies, mobile phone, holidays etc as you couldn't afford it if you didn't work.