6 year old resentment to me for leaving her dad

[LM2092]

Currently co-parenting after my DD’s (6) father and I separated last summer. It was quite a difficult time/messy situation at the time, which resulted in me and my daughter having to stay with family for a few months until I got a place of my own which I now do.

She stays with her father 3 nights a week. My issue is I feel throughout this whole separation my daughter sees me as the reason our family split (which it wasn’t as it was due to infidelity on her fathers part, which obviously she doesn’t know about and won’t) but he did not want to separate and I did. So he was constantly saying things to her like he loves me and wants me to move back home, she was always asking me when I was coming home and that her dad missed me even though I asked him repeatedly not to.

We now no longer communicate unless it is about our daughter, but I feel my daughter holds resentment against me. She says she prefers to stay with her dad, I do nothing for her etc. which I know she is only 6 but it’s hard to deal with and I don’t know how to approach the situation. Her dad lets her eat what she wants, do what she wants, watch YouTube, doesn’t brush her hair etc. so I understand that as I set rules and boundaries that’s why and I can only control what I do not what he does but it doesn’t help in the short term.

Not sure what advice I’m after maybe to see if anyone can relate and how you navigated the situation? I think approaching her dad is out of the question as he seems to go out of his way to do things to make him look a better parent than I am, but it really is manipulation at its finest.

thanks in advance!

Try to get across that parenting is a job and there are ways of doing it properly. It’s a parents job to make sure that children grow up to be healthy and strong, to make sure they don’t get overwhelmed and tired, to teach them how to be good people who do the right thing etc. even when their child doesn’t understand it’s for the best.

You love her so you’re trying to do the best you can to do parenting the right way because you want her to grow up to be healthy and happy.

I don't see why you can't tell her some of the truth in a child friendly way, some day. Letting her worship a father who is a cheat and letting her hate you won't do any good really.

Other than that, just keep being a good parent. She will appreciate it one day but at age 6 they are still very self centered little beings.

When I split with my DC's father, it was my decision - but in their best interests. They had no idea, like your DD doesn't, and XH fed them with similar lines. They would innocently pass on the comments: "I wish Daddy could come home" was one of the earlier ones, later we had "Dad says he still feels sad".

The manipulation is awful. I said as little as I could in response. They started seeing him clearly years later, when they got sick of his constant cycling between badmouthing me and asking them to tell tales on me. When she was 20, my DD said, "I can see why you divorced him. He's very divorce-able."

I tried never to sink to his level. I never spoke badly of him, I never brought him up in conversation at all. If they wanted to talk about him, I let them and kept my reactions neutral. A couple of times I failed, and let my frustration show. Their response was "don't you start too" which was enough to help me stay quiet the next time.

Poor kids. I wish I'd chosen a better father for them. But since that's not possible, I'm glad I took the high road and gave them a safe space to spend half their childhood. Good luck OP.

I separated last year. I am much happier in myself and it is a relief living in a home without DH’s negativity and my resentment towards him for lying etc. However I do get really upset because while I called it, I feel like his actions actually made the relationship unsustainable.

I feel like I am in a funny place. One if my kids hates me being ok with myself (because poor dad) but conversely hates me being sad or upset about the end of my marriage (because they are big feelings and probably make him nervous while he seeks stability or security). I think time will help. Also her new normal hasn’t been established yet.

while I do agree that what she says hurts you, she is just wanting to have things that fit her idea of all fixed. She is very young. Also my kids turn the things I say around to suit their own narrative at times. If they are upset I might try to reassure them and say something like “I know things are tough, I am looking for was to make things easier “ and then they will accuse me of purposely making things tough for them. So I try to validate them but not get too drawn in to saying the wrong thing.