Baby exhaustion

[Catlady2202]

My baby is nine weeks old and I am so tired. He only naps and sleeps on our chest. My husband‘s chest at the weekend and mine during the weekdays. He won’t even sleep next to us in the bed and now he’s getting bigger, it’s getting less comfortable for both the baby and myself. I exclusively breastfeed and I see online it says babies this age can go 3 to 4 hours without feeding and that’s just not the case for us. he pretty much feeds every hour during the day and when we had visitors and went out, we went two hours without feeding and he absolutely screamed on the way home. Family members have suggested giving a bottle of formula which would help with my tiredness as my husband can give a bottle but does that really help? Is it the breastfeeding that’s making me tired or is it the fact he needs to constant holding that’s making me tired? People have suggested expressing bottles, but again, I don’t think I’ve got enough time to do that. During the night he genuinely stays in a sleeping state most of the night, but he does stir on my chest to feed every hour probably because he can smell the milk but he doesn’t cry. It’s just an escalation and if I don’t respond, then it will become a cry but maybe he’s just sucking for comfort. People have suggested dummies but that’s just another thing to wean him off in 18 months time.

The saving grace is that his wake windows are very happy and cute and he doesn’t necessarily have to be held during these.
My husband is incredibly helpful doing everything around the house but if I know he’s had a feed is it acceptable to give the baby to my husband for two hours whilst I have uninterrupted sleep? All our family live far away although we do have really helpful neighbours.
He’s gaining weight beautifully and I wonder if he’s actually hungry every hour or it’s just for comfort but of course my husband thinks that he’s hungry if he’s inconsolable and within 5 mins baby is given back to
me. I’m starting to get irritated when baby cries… I put him down safely and then have a cry for 30 seconds myself. I don’t think I’m depressed - just exhausted

Sorry to say that this sounds totally normal. I think it was very many months (like six months plus) before my baby was able to go for three hours without eating. Nine weeks is tiny. How are things at night?

I also have a baby who only contact naps and I remember thinking she was so heavy and that I couldn't go on holding her, but you get stronger. Every so often you can try putting her down for naps - at some point she might become ok with it (mine never did, but did start sleeping in the car/pram). Ditto for the feeding. In a couple of months you can try stretching the time between feeds.

I know you're in the pits of despair now and it seems like it'll never end, but things will (gradually and in a non-linear way) get better. When I had my baby another mum told me 0-6 months is shit, 6-12 months is better and 1 year plus is good. She was basically correct.

Thank you I’m glad to know this is normal! Parents / Aunties & uncles all seem to think he’s extra needy because he’s feeding a lot or doesn’t sleep in his cot and giving me advice like giving a pacifier or giving a bottle of formula ( neither of which I want to do atm)… and then google says babies can go ~ 3 hours between feeds!!

My baby was like this! She’s 2 and a half now. The thing that saved my sanity was co-sleeping, which we did for the first 4 months.

I slept on my side and breastfed her, she would latch on and off throughout the night while nestled in next to me and we both slept reasonably well.

Try it and see if it works for you!

10000% comfort. My son is the same. I gave him a dummy and tbh he liked it for 1 day and that was it just spat it out. If he can take a dummy I would use it! If it gives you some sanity try it.

i co sleep with my baby and use baby carrier for around the house.

All normal! I was so touched out when I had a newborn, and like you, my DH always suggested a feed whenever she cried (I eventually lost it at him, and we agreed that he’d always give it a few minutes of cuddles before he gave her to me, just to allow me a break!)

I would 100% give baby to a trusted adult and go sleep. I used to have my DM and MIL each visit one day a week. I’d feed baby on their arrival, and then go nap (after some pleasantries!) while they cuddled her. I used to make a bottle up for them to offer her, but once that bottle was done, they’d wake me. It still meant an hour or two of napping a day. Weekends, my DH covered the nap, so this happened more days than not.

we also did a formula feed over night. I found it so helpful - our process was at 9pm, I’d breastfeed (even if she wasn’t that hungry), and go to bed. DH would formula feed until 1am on demand (again, feeding around 1am regardless of demand in order to prolong her sleep), and then bring her up to our room and leave her in the next to me cot, so that her next wake after 1am would wake me up, and then I’d breastfeed. 4 hours (often 5 if he did a 1am feed, she’d sleep till 2am) of solid sleep was a godsend for my ability to cope with life! That worked because I naturally prefer an earlier bedtime to DH. My DB and his wife do a similar thing but reversed, so DB wakes up at 4am and covers 4-8am while my SIL sleeps.

So on an average day, DD had 3 bottles - 1 for my nap and 2 for my night sleep. I didn’t feel formula helped her sleep longer, but of course it helped me. It also didn’t impact my breastfeeding, but it did help my mental stability. So I recommend it too!

my baby didn’t go 3-4 hours between feeds until she was 9/10 months old and well into being weaned.

We will try! Did you stop co sleeping after 4 months and if so how? Did she manage to sleep in her crib by then?

It sounds like you are doing such a great job and have been putting your precious baby first which is amazing. Having been breastfeeding for 10 months now and having met loads of other mums breastfeeding, I still don’t think I’ve met a single newborn baby that went 3 hours without a feed! So please ignore google or any of the books that say that. I also fell into that trap thinking I was doing something wrong because my baby fed so often.

But it does sound like you really need a break. The first few months after my baby was born we dabbled in giving baby formula and also expressing milk so that my partner could feed her from time to time, and because she wasn’t gaining weight fast enough. Honestly, after expressing a few times a day for weeks (because I would need to do multiple pumps to even get a few ounces of milk - pumping really doesn’t produce the same volume for some women as baby actually latching) I eventually put my pump in a cupboard and said I never wanted to see it again. We weren’t precious then and continued to give a bottle of formula most days until baby started on solids. It just meant that was one feed of the day I didn’t need to be involved in.

I also have really benefitted from cosleeping with baby, but we didn’t start until she was 6 months old. Up until that point I didn’t feel comfortable sleeping with her, but then her sleep wasn’t improving and I just couldn’t face getting out of bed multiple times in the middle of the night anymore. Now that we co sleep I love it and can’t think of anything nicer than waking up next to my baby.

Babies change so quickly in the first few months, I really hope you’re out of the worst of it soon and can start feeling more positive.

this is so hard, but v normal in terms of feeding. I’d do what you can to start stopping the constant contact sleeping though - at a certain ppint you’ll be so exhausted that it will become unsafe. I’ve been through a similar pattern with my first but it can be done. If you checking out the newborn bundle from taking Cara babies it should help. In the long run contact sleeping will make it harder for independent sleep, though I’m not against it some of the time! But I really feel you, we had to hold our eldest for quite a few weeks and weve managed to do it differently this time with our second even though they both had similar issues with reflux etc. sending solidarity during this really rough period. In a month it’ll feel like ancient history! Xx

Yeah after 4 months it stopped working for us. She needed to be asleep by 7pm otherwise she would be sooo grumpy and I didn’t want to go to bed at 7pm 🤣

So that’s when we transitioned her into the next-to-me cot. It took a few nights, I had to breastfeed her to sleep in the cot and she took to it really well. And she’s been a brilliant sleeper ever since then. But every baby is different and you just make it up as you go along, doing whatever works for you.

The first few months are really tough and you’re just exhausted all the time! Sounds like you’re doing brilliantly.

Does your little one have reflux? My son would only be held in the beginning too but he had reflux so would puke if I lay him down after a feed. I would hold him for naps every day for around a year, he did have the odd pushchair or car nap too. Would would comfort suck a lot, if I was holding him he'd do it a lot but he ended up really big and I think that's part of the reason.

On nights though I was absolutely determined to get him in his crib, I wasn't comfortable co-sleeping and needed some rest since I couldn't during the day. I used to feed him to sleep, keep him up on my chest for 15-20 minutes while the milk settled and then transfer him to his crib. I took a few nights and it didn't always work but I never did co-sleep. He slept through from around 10 weeks, 14 hours straight one of the nights (it didn't last because of the 4 month sleep regression but it was nice while it lasted).

Yes it is very normal. But that doesn’t mean it’s not really really hard.

I recommend a bottle of formula at night.. purely because you can feed the baby then go to bed really early (I used to go at like 8pm), DH can stay up holding the baby, give the bottle when he’s ready for a feed and then hold him again and only bring him up to you for the next feed. It means you get a few hours a night of undisturbed sleep.

I found a dummy really helpful, but it must only be used as a sleep cue, not just any time the baby is grumpy. Once you’ve established it as a sleep cue, start putting the baby down in his cot. When he stirs in the night, pop the dummy back in.. easier than having to pick him up and hold him for hours.

We used the dummy until 6 months and then removed it, cold turkey when we did sleep training. At the age, they are young enough to adapt, it’s harder to take it away when they’re older.

Yes this is exactly what I’m thinking the next ‘hurdle’ is… he used to go to ‘sleep for the night’ at 10:00… now it’s 9:00-9:30 which is fine but my husband doesn’t get home until 7 and that’s when we eat dinner (OK, I sometimes eat beforehand to make things easier) but if he continued to cosleep at 7pm it’s just not going to sustainable so I’m hoping to try something similar to you in a few weeks!

Thank you! Yes everyone is recommending a dummy atm… I’m not necessarily ‘against’ them but as you say, I don’t want him becoming dependent and then it’s something else you have to try and wean… but I think it would be useful when he comfort sucks in the night!

Completely normal - ridiculous anyone suggest a baby can go 3-4 hours without a BF. Mine was on the boob all the time for first few months and it is exhausting. Can you cosleep for naps so you can sleep? Use a carrier jf you do want to move around / use your hands. Make sure you are eating well / a lot and drinking plenty of water. I personally found pumping more of a hassle and I couldn’t find time. In theory formula means your baby could be left with your husband for longer; but mine would never take a bottle. I’d try a dummy if baby will take it, don’t worry about future issues if it helps now. I would just keep cosleeping if it works, just keep baby with you being held or in a carrier until you want to go to bed. You should be in the same room till theyre 6 months anyway. For the first few months; my husband would stay up with the baby till 12/1am whilst I slept a few hours - often baby would be fine without a BF but if she really needed he’d bring her to me. Your DH could try a formula bottle during the evening so doesnt have to wake you.

It’s hard, so you need to do whatever you need to do now to get through it - don’t worry too much about further down the line. I personally found removing the dummy wasn’t an issue at all - I did it with both my boys at 6 months.

Highly recommend glow in the dark dummies btw so you’re not hunting around the cot for it all night!

OP frankly this is rubbish. “. In the long run contact sleeping will make it harder for independent sleep”. Mine coslept at least some of the night til 18 months and now sleeps through alone in her floor bed; no sleep training.

My family were exactly the same! Mine were of a generation that formula was pushed on them and the idea of EBF to 6 months seemed insane to them. When I told them about the WHO recommendation to 2 years they just stared at me!

Even once she started weaning my EBF baby could quite easily be feeding every 2 hours, the feeds got waaaay shorter though. The 3/4 hour gaps only came once she was on 3 meals a day for a while.

Well done for persevering with the feeding, it’s bloody hard! Looking back now I can’t believe I managed it!

and to answer this:

if I know he’s had a feed is it acceptable to give the baby to my husband for two hours whilst I have uninterrupted sleep?

ABSOLUTELY!!!!!! If you can get this, get it! It will not adversely affect your baby at all, in fact, if you have more rest it might even be good for you all!

If he only sleeps on your chest i.e. upright and isn’t happy cosleeping flat then that screams silent reflux to me i.e. they have all the discomfort of reflux but without the obvious puking. It can also mean more frequent feeds because the swallowing provides relief, although that’s harder to determine with breast feeding as frequent feeds are also v normal in a healthy baby: the 3-4 intervals hours your relatives are talking about is really more for formula fed babies. I would see the GP to discuss as reflux can be medicated. In the meantime I know you’re not keen but a dummy can help as they can get the swallowing for relief without needing to feed and they’re honestly not really a pain because by 6 months you chuck loads in the cot and they replace themselves then you do the dummy fairy to trade it for a toy when they’re around 3. Formula won’t help for reflux though and may even make it worse if there’s CMPA which often goes along with reflux.

It's up to you whether to use a dummy OP, but honestly I don't think that "that's another thing to wean him off in 18 months" is something to worry about if it will save your sanity now! My DC3 was a very "sucky" baby, much more than the older two, and giving him a dummy was a life saver.

I didn’t mean or say co sleeping, I meant siting in a chair holding the baby day and night. That has an impact on co sleeping too.

And there’s a way to disagree with others without being impolite

My second baby was like this. Would only sleep on us - wouldn’t even sleep in the pram or car and just fed constantly. It’s fairly normal I think. So so tough though!
Going 3-4 hours between feeds at that age is probably not going to happen. My baby is now 9 months old and during the day the longest he goes between breastfeeding is 3.5 hours and that’s with a solid breakfast inbetween the feeds.
We gave him a dummy and it was such a lifesaver at times. We then took it off it at 6 months and he was absolutely fine. If you do it early enough then they don’t become reliant upon it.
The thing that helped me most with my second baby and the constant feeds etc just accepting it. Just telling myself it’s so normal and that in a few months time it’ll all be so different. Just sort of accepting that for this short period it’s super hard, but it’ll get better and better.

Oh this is so reassuring to hear! Exactly that - he doesn’t tolerate his pram or car seat which makes outings nearly next to impossible and most recently has been fussing in the baby bjorn carrier which he used to love! Yes I’ve started to accept and cherish it… he obviously won’t be like this when he’s a grumpy teenager and finding me embarrassing

I know right? My Aunty was like ‘so when are you going to STOP breastfeeding… ‘ … I know it’s because she cares about me and is implying I enable myself a ‘break’ but I do really love BF but it almost feels taboo to feel that way sometimes…which is wild given it really is recommended by all heath bodies

OP I'm feeling quite sad the comments you are getting about breastfeeding, if you want to continue. It is WHO recommended to BF to 2 years and beyond but somehow it's got into our society that it's the massive burden on mums and you should stop ASAP. And of course fine if anyone doesn't want to BF or wants to stop whenever they want. I love breastfeeding, I'm still feeding my 19 month old (only at bedtime). Yes it has been exhausting and hard work but it's been worth it for me and my daughter. She has been so well even during a winter at nursery. And I know plenty of formula fed babies who are awful sleepers - there's no proven link between FF and sleep.