When does bedtime routine become easier?

[SendHelpandSnacks]

I have a 2 year old and he's been through phases of being a great sleeper (read a couple books, rock him and lay him in his cot, he then watches me leave the room and goes to sleep on his own) This phase felt AMAZING!!
But unfortunately, it did not last...
Now, he's gone back into the old phase of crying when he's put down in his cot!
I can definitely sense some separation anxiety lately, he's very clingy during the day too. If I go back in and tell him to lay down, he lays down but screams instantly as I leave the room.
We've done light sleep training in the past and I'm getting to a point where I don't know whether to offer him the comfort he needs (as he does go to sleep very quickly if I give him a quick cuddle) or whether to go back to some sleep training (I hate hearing him cry 😥)

My main question is..... When does bedtime become easier?
I dream of the day I'll be able to read him a book, kiss him on the forehead, say goodnight and leave the room. That's it! No fighting, no crying, just a peaceful routine...

Is this possible? Please tell me you've reached this stage!
Any advice on how to eventually get to this point?

Many thanks in advance 😊

I should add that sleep has always been a trigger for me. I can cope with a lot of things during the day, but my evenings and nights sleep are essential to me.
If my son wakes in the night, or bedtimes become challenging, I notice it triggers my anxiety.
I feel like if I can get to a point where sleep is straightforward, I'll feel so much better about everything else.
I just want to know that one day, I won't be fighting bedtimes 🙏

Youngest DC is 24 now and usually takes herself off to bed without prompting. Or if she stays up late I am relaxed about it - her choice.

Until then - always a struggle if I recall correctly.

Why dont you just give him a quick cuddle to fall asleep; if not works? Seems far easier than going back and forth and causing angst. It’s completely normal for tiny children to need support to fall asleep. Of course give him comfort; it makes me quite sad this expecting tiny kids to fall asleep alone. We have a floor bed for my 18 month old and it’s made it much easier to lie nezt to her whilst she falls asleep rather than holding and transferring her. You can make bedtime easier by just doing what works.

I guess a better question would be
What does bedtime look like for children over 5? 😂

There are phases where it’s harder and easier. I would say the age when I could walk away and leave them to put themselves to bed was closer to 5. That doesn’t mean it was a battle every night, but they still needed me around or to sit in with them until they fell asleep. I mean I’m sure you could make that sooner if you wanted, but I’ve always been very low stress about bedtime. I’m happy to sit there and read a book (of my own) if they want me to hang around til they’re asleep. No big deal. From about reception year, I’d say sleep became much more independent.

Thank you @mindutopia , that's very helpful to hear.And reassuring to see that by age 5, you could essentially walk away and leave them to go to sleep 🙌

Beyond the above, why not do what you can to make sleep easier and low stress if it gives you anxiety? I don’t think there is any advantage to making it a battle. If you sit in with him instead of constantly returning him to his room, is it easier? Sit and read on your phone til he’s asleep. If he wakes in the night, rather than spending an hour trying to get him back to sleep, bring him straight into you. Will he sleep in your bed or on a cot mattress on the floor? If so, do that.

Sleep is more important than following some silly rule. Mine still woke a a couple times a week until 5/6. They brought themselves in and put themselves to sleep on a mattress in my room. I didn’t have to even get up. Sometimes I didn’t even wake, they’d just be there in the morning. Totally fine! I got plenty of sleep. They are 8 & 13 now and go to bed easily and sleep all night and wake at perfectly sociable times in the morning.

@mindutopia , I cannot tell you how much this message has helped me 🙏
I think because the sleep thing is my main anxiety, it means I then spiral in the thoughts of "if I pick him up and cuddle him he'll never learn to sleep independently" "if I let him come into my bed at night he'll be creeping in every night until hes a young adult"
All these thoughts. Probably not helped by social media but also a few people I have spoken to still have their older kids in bed. A colleague of mine still sleeps with her 10 year old😱 another colleague spends forever in the evenings putting her 8 year old to sleep... These are the things that trigger my anxiety as I definitely do not want to be in that situation in 6 years time, haha.

So reading that you were able to comfort your children when they needed it, being able to let them come into your room in the night, without it having an impact on them as they got older has been a relief for me to hear.
I wouldn't mind giving my son the extra cuddle and reassurance if I knew that one day (in the near future) he won't need it anymore, I guess it's just the fear of creating bad habits... Sounds like you managed very well with your children

DC1 has always been my difficult sleeper, was largely find going to bed by herself from about 3 but has periods where she needs more support still at 7.

DC2 has been putting himself to bed since he was 1. I think it's just their personalities.

I think it's personality dependant. I have a friends with toddlers who used to put themselves to sleep as babies (and used to brag about how great sleep training is) but that went to pot ages 2/3. Vast majority of parents of young children do spend a lot of time and energy on bedtime. There will be some who are easy but I don't know anyone who just turns off the light on a 2 or 3 year old for them to drift off by themselves.

I myself needed my mum to sit with me to fall asleep until I was 7....

If I had someone sitting and gently stroking my head as an adult, that would probably help me fall asleep. Certainly I don’t need it (or get it!) but I would find it calming and soothing. And I much prefer going to sleep with my DH present than alone. I think it is possible some children will take assistance with sleep for as long as you are willing to give it to them.

edited to add that because I am not a good sleeper and regret that, I have decided to try to help my children learn to sleep independently via some form of sleep trainjng. So they were able to have basically stress free bedtimes from 1 onwards.

About 11
The baby and toddler years involved crying and getting up again.
The years from 4 to 11 involved much feet dragging, endless prevarication and attempting to re-negotiate terms. However once in bed they stayed.
From about 11 iirc I drew up an agreement. If you go to bed nicely and with zero fuss at x o'clock every school night you can stay up as late as you like on Friday and Saturday. It worked.

Having said all that it's not the advice you want OP.
When they were very little we struggled badly. It still pains me to think about the times we tried (and failed) controlled crying. Everyone was miserable and tired.
What we did in the end goes against most MN advice but we decided that the main objective was for everyone to get some sleep. If that meant musical beds so be it. DS2 slept in my bed on and off for years (it was bliss). DS1 would go in with DH sometimes but not always. Just don't worry about the future, concentrate on the moment and getting everyone calm and sleeping.

Are you a single mum OP
If not, get dad doing bedtimes and all night antics for 2 weeks
One of ours went through a stage of mucking about like this at bedtime. We found he did it less for DH than me as he is way more no nonsense.