Am I being too hands off

[Edithdrix80]

My 15 year old daughter is in year 10 about to take her mocks in June. She is very mature, gets herself up and ready in a morning. Her homework is always done and she goes to bed at a reasonable time, so all good. I've never felt the need to check in on her studies, she asks if she needs anything so has all the books you can buy and flash cards etc. We have also just got her a tutor for science. She has just told me tonight that one of her friends parents are so on it with knowing her mock timetable, helping her pack her bag each morning, taking her breakfast and a cuppa to her room after they have woke her up, help her with her hair, make her do homework downstairs and sit with her while she does it. Then she said another friend gets a cuppa taken up to her each morning. I started to feel bad that we dont do any of that for our daughter in a morning as she just sorts herself out before she gets the bus. Am I over thinking this or is this a thing? My parents never did anything like this for me growing up. I obviously make her food on an evening but this morning pampering seems over the top.

I make myself a coffee in the morning, make my youngest breakfast and always ask my eldest (same age as yours) if she would like a cuppa, breakfast or just a grab and go bar chucked in her bag.. I don’t feel it’s over the top, or pampering.

She doesn’t sit with me to study or do homework but she knows the door is open if she feels the need to ask for help, which sometimes she does.

Maybe ask your daughter if there’s anything she would like you to do in the mornings for her, and if she feels she would benefit from your help with homework.. only she can answer this for you.

My 11yr old makes me coffee in the mornings, I make her peppermint tea after dinner. Don’t families do nice things for each other?

Also, clearly she wants to feel you care a little more perhaps

The academic hothousing by some parents is a performance & whether your daughter does homework/revision under your eye or independently makes no difference.

I am totally child led on academic support but I do proactively check in on emotional and health support needs. Seems right to me to let your child lead the way on how involved they want you to be in all but one area which is general well being.

Best thing to do is ask her what she'd like.

My ds is the same age, I keep offering to help with homework/revision "I did quite well back in the day, you know", but he says he's fine.

I'm aware of his exam days etc as school is good at emailing with those things. I just do behind the scenes organising, eg uniform, packed lunches, breakfast things ready, check his pencil case etc.

Basically I do what I can to make him feel supported and I'd do more hands-on stuff but he's not keen. We'll see what his mock results are and if necessary I might foist more help on him, either myself or a tutor.

My mum was like you and I got straight As
She sounds mature and conscientious and you hovering round her would just stress her out

Keep doing what you’re doing!

Thank you all for your comments, its given me food for thought. I'm going to sit down with her tonight and ask her if she wants more from us. Was this a way of subtly asking. She is very diligent and independent but suppose she is still just 15. Thank you all 😘