Helping a shy four-year-old cope with new activities/situations

[SP2024]

How to help shyer children? My eldest is 4, about to start school in Sept. He’s generally a happy and confident boy, developing normally and has lots of friends at pre school. However I’ve noticed that when faced with new environments or people he’s very reluctant and shy at first.

Twice this week he’s been in situations where he’s unsure and his reaction is to refuse to join in and won’t speak to the adults or other children - even though I’m right next to him. Firstly a new swimming class, he’s been swimming since a baby, can swim 5m without help and has now moved to the older classes which are at a different pool. He refused to get in and just sat on the side or was being held by the coach the whole lesson. Everything the other children were doing he’s more than capable of doing and has done several times before so it’s not like he was unsure about the actual activity. I was sitting at the side so close by and he could see me the whole time.

The other instance was at a science activity on holiday, one I was sitting right next to him for but he refused to do the activity. I can see he wants to join in but it’s like his nerves literally stop him.

Is this just normal for a 4 year old? How can I help to build his confidence about new things? I talk to him about it before we go places, I explain what will happen and say how proud I am of him joining in etc. Generally I know he’ll probably be fine after a few weeks but that doesn’t help the one off activities and he misses out.

I’m worried about how he will cope with a new school/people. I don’t think I was ever shy about anything so it’s new to me!!

My middle one was like this, she still is. New situations or even situations that are slightly different from what she expected, completely throw her. Even at a party of her classmates yesterday she took ages to settle in and enjoy herself. She is 8 and has been classmates with these kids for 3 years at this point.

She has grown steadily in confidence over the past few years. The first 6 months at school were hard, she struggled a lot going in (at times she needed literally carried inside) and with lunchtimes etc. The school were great and set up some help, for example they gave her an older buddy to go to lunch with. The school should be used to children like this and will have strategies to help.

My DD also found she loves dance and performing (weirdly given her shyness) and we have helped her start classes that encourage this. They also nurtured her and cared for her when she was having a wobble and the difference is amazing.

I would say just keep going with things, take baby steps. If he wants to sit by the side for the first class that's fine. Maybe discuss before the next one what he will do for the second class, ie try getting into the water once and see how he feels.

He is likely to be someone who always sits back and assesses before eventually taking part when comfortable. That's certainly how my daughter is. I have 2 other children who will throw themselves into any situation without assessment or regret 😂 so it's just a personality thing. He'll be grand.

My daughter was a bit like this. I remember taking her to a pre school ballet class. She didn’t want to join in so we stood, hand in hand just watching. The next week was the same - in full ballet outfit…… just watching. On the third lesson she started to tap her foot and by the 4th she was ready to start!
She’s 24 now and a sociable and confident young women. She can still get anxious about certain things but - that’s her. Go slowly without too much pressure is my advice.

Thanks for your comments and glad it’s probably just a personality thing rather than something I’m doing wrong.

@Undertheeaves my husband took him to a party a couple of weeks ago with loads of his nursery friends he sees every day. In our church hall which we go to every week. He refused to let go of my husband’s hands or speak to any of his friends!