Move to preschool or stay with convenient nursery for my son

[Leafy231]

I’m trying to decide whether to move my son from his current nursery to a preschool and keep going round in circles.

At home/with friends my son is confident, chatty, personable, polite, calm, happy. However, at nursery he goes through long phases of hitting children (recently staff) and seeming unhappy at drop off (refuses to say hello, stays at door, asks to go home). Once in the room, he picks up a toy and happily shouts bye mummy! Seems to have an okay day, says he has had a good day in the car. Recently though this has got worse and it feels like most of the day he is unhappy, shouting no thank you at everyone. So thinking of a move- please help!

Current nursery pros:

• Logistically it’s almost perfect
• Really quick/easy to get to and from
• My husband can walk there from work to collect
• Super flexible
• Open all year round so we never need backup childcare
• We really like the staff and his key worker

Cons:

• He never really seems to LOVE it. Some days he’s happy, other days not at all, but it’s hard to know how much to read into that
• Staff are very young (not a con as such but perhaps have a different approach than maybe an ex teacher or older person or mum?)
• It’s not very structured or “school-like” — mostly free play and can feel quite chaotic maybe?
• The room he’s in is quite small and the children are split into age groups, so every time he moves rooms and he’s the youngest again he seems to enjoy it, but now he is one of the oldest and finds it frustrating
• They describe him there as dysregulated/‘struggling’ and apparently he spends a lot of time saying “no thank you” to younger children, which is honestly the opposite of how he is at home
• I wonder if he’s just a bit overwhelmed there now/would do better being stretched and having more structure/being with older children

The preschool we’re considering feels like the opposite in many ways:

• experienced staff (mostly ex-teachers)
• Really calm, organised environment
• Good outdoor space
• Fantastic Ofsted
• Children seem to make amazing progress
• Lovely structured activities all day, themed weeks, forest school etc
• Mixed ages from 2.5–4 which I think he might thrive in

BUT the logistics are really difficult:

• Only open term time which is fine for us as teachers but we won’t be able to do the random mornings here and there over summer if we need to etc
• 7 inset days a year we’d need backup childcare for
• Doesn’t open until 8:45 on Mondays
• No flexibility at all
• We’re both teachers so we never WFH, which makes all this stuff a massive factor
• It would add probably 30–40 minutes onto our daily commute/admin juggle
• We’d lose the convenience of our current setup
• Our daughter would stay at current nursery so they’d be at separate settings

I also genuinely really like the people at the current nursery and feel loyal to them, which makes it harder.

Has anyone moved settings and regretted it? Or experience moving from a super convenient nursery to a much better preschool experience and felt it was worth the logistical pain? Or equally, stayed somewhere because life/admin mattered more and been glad you did?

I can’t work out whether I’m overthinking normal toddler behaviour or whether he’s genuinely ready for a different environment. I’m an anxious person so can’t tell if my gut is telling me to move him/not to move him out of worry or instinct. His happiness is 1000% most important thing so happy to work out all the logistics, but worried he’ll feel the same at new setting OR will grow out of current feelings and I’ve unsettled him and made things more complicated for no reason!

In my opinion and for his happiness, I’d move him. Is there any way that you could send him for a visit or taster day before?

There is a huge difference between a private nursery and a pre-school and as you say this nursery is staffed by many ex teachers then you’ll find that many of them have not only child care qualifications but have had children of their own and often more training in behaviour and learning than a level 2 or 3 in a private nursery.

It does sound like your son is unhappy in a very busy environment. A pre-school can often be a much better fit, and they’re not necessarily more school-like but being run by experienced staff, probably less staff turnover too, then there is more likely to be a coherent and consistent approach.

If you do move him do tell the staff he wasn’t happy at his previous setting. He’s only little and his experience with the nursery he’s currently at has affected his behaviour. He may display the same behaviour while he gets to know the boundaries and expectations of his new setting.

How old is he? He might find a child minder better. I was lucky enough to be able to use a brilliant child minder and then a preschool for mine.

If you were able to find a child minder then they could both be together, or even a nanny that could drive him to preschool a couple of sessions a week?

Most young childreb cry and be anti social at young ages
How long as he been going to this place?
What do they suggest to help him settle in?
Do the teachers help the drop off times.
I woupd rush to move because it is probably going to stay the same.

DD briefly went to pre school when we relocated (I wasn't working) after being in a nursery. Every child is different but in my opinion it not make a material difference to DD learning or social outcomes/happiness. I still remember DD key worker at nursery, and she's 27 now. I could name anyone of her pre school teachers.

The biggest benefit to pre school is preparing your child for a school setting but given you are both teachers I am sure you are more than capable to prep your own child.

That sounds like a logistical headache, and if your son is doing okay at nursery I might stick at it, there is no guarantee he will love pre school.

When in the year was he born? Preschools are usually a bit more formal and structured - my summer born child wouldn’t have enjoyed it, but we sent my autumn born to the preschool attached to her primary and she absolutely thrived. It made transition to school so easy as eg playground was shared with reception, and towards the end of the summer term they took them for lunch in the canteen etc. They also supported her with phonics and let her get reading books from reception etc.

I’m not sure how it would be logistically possible to be honest. It sounds lovely. I’m having a similar dilemma but I couldn’t move my daughter if my husband was a teacher (I am.)

Thank you, I agree with all your points! Completely summed up my thoughts on the staff.

Yes I thought so too that this is normal but so hard to know.

He’s been there 1.5 years now, lots and lots of meetings with lots of suggestions but nothing works for long sadly

Sorry to hear you’re in the same boat.

I think I’ll just feel guilty if something is technically workable but much more logistically challenging if it means he’s missed out. So tricky.

He’s early September so old for his year! Also very tall and a good communicator so I think he could feel okay with older children ar pre school?

I think if he behaves very differently at nursery compared to home then he's telling you something about his experience there. I don't like the sound of v young staff / chaotic / lack of structure. I think as a teacher, if you are concerned enough to consider moving him you should definitely trust your intuition. I am also a teacher and understand your logistical concerns. The only point I'd add is that it is not for long. The pre school years are over so quickly and before you know it you'll be doing the school juggle instead. How old is he?