How should I handle telling my ex daughter doesn’t want him at her graduation

[Exasperated1971]

Me and my ex (father of our 2 now adult children) separated in 2013. He was (and still is by all accounts) a drinker and horribly abusive, but he thinks he’s a great father figure. My daughter does not speak to
him anymore and our son only saw him twice last year. Daughter is graduating in July and does not want him to come because when our son graduated it was like a military operation trying to keep him away from
pubs etc. (he doesn’t think he had a problem).

fast forward to today and he’s just passed me in the street in his car, asked how I was etc, then asked when the graduation was. I said I wasn’t sure (of course I know) and he said, get * to text me and tell me when it is.

she’s deep into her final works and dissertation so I don’t want to interrupt and get her thinking about how to respond. She’s absolutely adamant she doesn’t want him there, which I completely understand. Any advice on how to proceed?

I’d just not reply to him. If he doesn’t know when it is, then he’s unlikely to turn up anyway.

Not your problem.

If she doesn’t speak to him she won‘t tell him.
all you need to do is stay vague - oh, I’m not sure - blah blah blah and let her handle it.

Tell him it is two days after the actual date.

Also tickets are often limited to two, maybe you and her brother is all she can get tickets for.

Just ignore him for now.

If your daughter doesn't speak to him, why does he think he can rock up to her graduation? The audacity of these losers never fails to amaze me.
Don't engage with him on it. Your daughter can text him if she wants after her exams.

If he’s likely to look on the uni’s website and there are two or more days, tell him the wrong day.

if he’s not likely to check up, ignore.

You can usually only have two tickets, and he's unable to go without one.
I know your daughter is busy, but assuming she's an adult, you are probably best leaving it to her. If you see him again, I would go with 'If she wants you there, I'm sure she'll be in touch about it' and leave it to that. Don't give out false info as that could land you in it for interfering, etc.

I would not be contacting him or asking her to contact him. Just ignore even if he texts.

This is the best option. If you tell him nothing, he may look himself and the dates will be on the university website.

Though the better choice, in my view, is for your daughter to message him herself and say she doesn't want him to come. If she's about to graduate that is an age where she should deal with him herself rather than him getting to blame you for these outcomes.

If she's not speaking to him, why does he think he's going to her graduation! Twat. No consideration for the fact that it might distress his daughter for him to ask, given she's made it clear she doesnt want him in her life right now! Glad you are rid of him.
In practical terms, how far is she off finishing, will you get away with mentioning it to her after she's done as a 'just to warn you, this happened'
Is he likely to find out the date from anyone else?

Is it ticketed or open to the public?

I think in both cases, for now, you ignore him. If it’s ticketed (they usually are), problem solved, he doesn’t have a ticket. If he starts contacting you asking, you simply say, sorry, no more tickets.

If public, you need to handle it a bit more gently because he can just turn up. I think you need to talk to your dd about it (after she is all finished) and ask what she wants to do if he contacts either of you about attending. I personally think the message needs to come from her. It gives her agency and control and also takes away his ability to say, I’m turning up anyway because I know dd would really want me there!

You and her brother, if he’s supportive, should have a plan for what to do if he still turns up outside. You have plans to go somewhere away from the uni after for lunch or a deadbeat dad free celebration, and be prepared to whisk her off.

Both your children are adults? If yes, then you don't need to talk to him either! Next time he stops you on the street, just say good morning and walk on. If he persists, say that since the kids are grown there's no need for you to make small talk any more, and walk on. He can contact your children directly himself. If they don't want to speak to him that's their decision, just be neutrally supportive of whatever decision they make. Your daughter can either ignore his calls, or tell him herself not to come to the graduation. She's an adult.

I honestly think this is your daughter’s decision and she shouldn’t have to spend her graduation anxious about managing him. If she doesn’t want him there, that’s enough reason.
I’d probably just keep it simple and say you don’t know the final arrangements yet and leave it at that for now. She’s got enough on her plate without being pushed into handling his feelings during dissertation season.

Don’t reply to him. It’s up to your adult daughter to manage her relationship with him. And him to reach out to her directly. Stay out of it.