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Parenting

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Original poster

Do I help my son out?

11 replies

Ihateknowingthis · 04/05/2026 23:30

Just looking for a show of hands.

Son in debt, not good with money.
Lives on his own so has to pay for everything. Has a full time job.

Should I help him out by paying all his debts so he can make a fresh start, or should I keep trying to make him stand on his own 2 feet, which doesn't seem to be working?

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Decacaffeinatednow · 04/05/2026 23:34

How old is he?

crumpetswithcheeze · 04/05/2026 23:51

Rebel Finance School Starts on 1st June. Get him to watch that so he becomes good with money. What you do about the current debt is up to you. Is it bills, cost of living, or booze and gambling?

FlapperFlamingo · 05/05/2026 00:23

Don’t even think about helping if you can’t easily afford it. Do you know why he has had issues - is it just being careless or does he gamble or similar or was there one big bill that knocked him off his feet? I would encourage him to make a debt plan and learn how to manage money rather than just give him money (I feel it’ll just happen all over again).

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Nearly50omg · 05/05/2026 00:40

You offer to help in a practical way - debt management - but DO NOT pay it off! He will learn nothing and go back to debt and most likely far more ££ debt than he currently is and will never learn

Original poster

Ihateknowingthis · 05/05/2026 07:37

He's early 30's.
Debt due to living on his own and sometimes not working, has anxiety issues.
No smoking, drinking, drugs, gambling.

OP posts:

SonnyandChair · 05/05/2026 07:43

How much does he owe? How much does he earn? Are the debts on credit cards, personal loans, car finance? Is he behind on his rent?

When you say he sometimes doesn't work, do you mean he calls in sick or quits his job?

Original poster

Ihateknowingthis · 05/05/2026 07:58

SonnyandChair · 05/05/2026 07:43

How much does he owe? How much does he earn? Are the debts on credit cards, personal loans, car finance? Is he behind on his rent?

When you say he sometimes doesn't work, do you mean he calls in sick or quits his job?

£10k.
Overdraft, C cards. Rent, council tax, gas and elec.
He's earning £30k.
He's not good with money.

OP posts:

Ilikewinter · 05/05/2026 08:03

I think I'd want to understand if this is because his bills are simply more than he earns, or if he's just frittering his money away. If you pay these debts, what's to stopping him building the debt back up again?

CelticSilver · 05/05/2026 08:05

Do you want him to be 'not good' with your money too? Absolutely make a plan with him to learn to manage better, but a bail out won't solve the problem long term.

Tillow4ever · 05/05/2026 08:17

I would help him with his budget first. So if you can see that he earns enough to cover the standard bills (ignoring debt repayments) then go through it with him and show him how to budget. If you have the means to clear his debt, I would tell him it’s a one off and if he gets into debt again he’s on his own. if you find his outgoings are more than his income there’s no point helping him because he’ll just end up back where he started. He’ll need to either find a lodger, move in with someone else or work a second job.

Years ago my parents found out my husband and I were in debt following a house move. We were slowly paying it off. They insisted on clearing the debt and we repay them to avoid interest. But they wanted £400 a month which was more than we had previously been repaying and was money we didn’t have. We were both working full time and I was working a second job up to 20 hours a week with 2 young children at home and pregnant (surprise pregnancy whilst on the pill before anyone judges). I was exhausted but basically my husband expected me to be the one to find the money to pay them back despite almost the entire debt being racked up by him. I had to sell my beloved Buffy collection to get enough money in to pay them. Of course what happened was we ended up having to use a credit card on occasion because we just had absolutely nothing left after paying bills and paying them. The car needed an MOT and service (we sold one of the cars but needed one for work as it was in a remote countryside location with zero public transport) - it had to go on a credit card because there was nothing else. Of course then we could only do the minimum payment…

Basically it ended up making the situation worse. I hadn’t wanted to take their help, but after being screamed at by my dad I “let” them. So if you help your son, either make it a gift, or talk to him about what he can realistically afford to repay - and then reduce that a bit to leave him emergency money. My parents are & were rich, purely through their own hard work and then fortunate enough to have invested in property that grew in equity, although have since inherited a good chunk too. They didn’t need £400 a month (no mortgage, both working full-time in their own very successful business, all utilities etc went through the business because they lived on the premises) - if they had just sat down with me to look at our incomings and outgoings we could have come up with a repayment plan that didn’t leave us worse off than we started.

I think you are really kind to want to help your son. But make sure he can afford to carry on after, that he cancels any credit cards except one that he reduces to say a £500 limit for absolute emergencies only, get him to reduce his overdraft amount so the temptation isn’t there. Suggest he has a second bank account for bills - he puts his bills money straight into that from his wages, so whatever is left is his to spend and save. Suggest he save a third to half of what is left over as a bare minimum each month in a savings account.

Firefly100 · 05/05/2026 08:23

It sounds like he simply can’t afford his lifestyle. That is not a high income to be covering all bills yourself in a one person rental. There is no point in paying it off. In a few years you’ll be back again.
I’d sit down with him and go through his income and expenditure. Then put a spending plan together, including an amount towards his debts, that means he is able to live. There is plenty of help online to do this. If his finances don’t allow this I’d ask him what changes he is going to make to make the numbers work. Eg move to lower rent situation / reduce spending on a hobby…that is not my call, up to him to choose. Then, once there is a realistic budget, if I saw a real desire to change, AND I COULD AFFORD TO without compromising my own finances, id offer to make the debt repayment element as long as he kept to his spending plan. If I couldn’t easily afford to I would not, he’ll have to.
I’d have a review with him weekly/ monthly as appropriate to make sure it is on track. I would take no formal financial responsibility for any of his debt and if I feel he is not fully engaged to help himself, I’ll stop and give him the contact details for debt advice and leave him to it. I would allow him to live at my home if he asks (and I can).
Hopefully he comes out of this able to pay his own bills and put a little aside for saving (once he has paid off the debt). And if he doesn’t take it seriously, at least he understands mummy is not going to come and save him in the end.

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