Ex want one child to live with them full time with no transition.

[RidiculousRed]

I’m looking for some advice or experiences from anyone who’s been through something similar.

I’ve been separated from my ex for nearly 5 years. We have two children together. He’s been living in a one‑bedroom property and our children stay there around 3 nights a month. He does no school runs and has no involvement in out of school clubs and hobbies in the week.

He’s now moving to a larger home and has told our oldest that they can live there once he moves in. Our child is autistic, has ADHD, and attends a specialist provision after being moved from mainstream into a PRU. Routine and stability are really important for them.

Since being told this, they are now saying they wants to go and live with dad full‑time. I’m not against having more time there at all — I’ve always supported contact — but I strongly feel that a gradual increase is what’s best, not a sudden switch from living with me full‑time to living with his dad full‑time overnight.

I’ve tried to discuss this calmly. In person, my concerns were dismissed. Over text, he keeps repeating that “it’s what our child wants so that’s what will happen,” and won’t consider any kind of transition plan. He also doesn’t want to increase contact with our younger child, which feels very unbalanced.

My child has said the food is better at dad's, bedtimes are later and it's just more enjoyable.

There is currently no court order in place.

My questions are:

If this goes to mediation and he refuses to compromise on wanting our child full‑time immediately, how likely is it that this would be supported?

Given our child’s additional needs and current stability at home and school, would a court or mediator usually consider a gradual transition more appropriate?

Can a court order full time residency to the other parent if I am requesting it move gradually to 50:50?

Would courts separate siblings simply because the dad and older child want it?

Has anyone been through something similar where one parent suddenly pushed for full‑time care after years of minimal involvement?

Any advice or experiences would be really appreciated.

It all depends on child’s age and Gillick competence

The child is 14. Has high intelligence but delayed socially, emotionally and is a very black and white thinker.

Get a court order

I'm wanting to know if a court is likely to grant what the dad wishes. Will they side with him because it is what the child wants? Or will they take into account me doing 90% the parenting for the last 5 years plus similar amounts before we separated? Will they look at the bigger picture that yes the child is 14 and their wishes are to live with dad, but the bigger picture shows how much they struggle with change and need a lot more support than a typical 14 year old? Will they grant a gradual change or support dad in saying it should happen as soon as he moves?

Is there a professional involved with your ds who would be prepared to write a recommendation for a gradual, supported transition to 50:50? It sounds as if your ex is not considering what is best for ds at all.

I could certainly ask the school. I don't know if I would get any where with any drs seeing as it took years to get a diagnosis. They have an ehcp which shows how difficult they find change. I don't know if that would help.

What reason does he give for only wanting one child?

He said he's offered for the older one to live there and they both want that. When I mentioned increasing the time for the younger child as well he said I'm using them to "manipulate the situation".

I don't know why - he won't even discuss it.

Could be because he would have to reduce his hours at work and pay for wrap around care for the youngest. The oldest gets school trasport provided. It could be because the younger one doesn't like going and often cries when at dad's. Could be because he told me when we separated that "we both know older child will want to live with me one day" and he's drip fed enough for the child to want that.

At every opportunity he has had, he's dictated his childcare arrangements. When we first separated he saw them 1 night eow. He said he wouldn't see them any more than that as it would be "doing me a favour". When his wife moved to the UK, he said he wanted the children 50:50, I questioned how that would work and suggested a gradual increase in time. He did one extra night a month and it's not increased more than that in over 18 months. He did however change the payments he should make through cms immediately after seeing them the extra night a month.