Feeling ashamed after shouting at my toddler during a very difficult day

[Kittenmum89]

Really just looking for some support and to make myself feel better. I feel like I am in the trenches at the moment with my toddler. Just last night I said to my husband saying how perfect our little boy is. Even this morning I was having a great day singing away in the car feeling good about life. Hadn’t been a grumpy mum for a fews days adopting a more chilled approach, thinking I can carry on this way.
fast forward to tonight. Screamed at my toddler 3 times (while in the loo he ran to the other bathroom turned the taps on starting playing with the toilet (could hear the flush going and seat being banged) refused his chips at dinner (toddlers usually love a chip right? Mine does) literally flung his lunch out the window. (Strawberry’s) then refused to eat anything more than 2 fists of grated cheese and 3 rice crackers (the small thin ones). Making dinner and found him climbed on top of the bathroom worktop this time feet in the sink playing away (big drop if he fell) in the bath kept turning the taps on and showers flooding the bathroom. I lost it shouted. Even went to my room and screamed in a pillow. Then argues with my husband (who works away for 3 weeks at a time and is currently away about it all). Please tell me more so I can get rid of this shame and guilt of screaming at my toddler I feel horrific. He is so cuddly and after bath kept cuddling me and putting his head on my shoulder as he could see I was crying and I had been crying for a while by this point. Going to Smyths first thing to buy a train set.

"Going to Smyths first thing to buy a train set" isn't that just rewarding poor behaviour because you feel guilty @Kittenmum89

An occasional raised voice when at the end of your tether is not unusual.

Go shopping but buy something nice for yourself 😊

Safety gates to prevent dangerous risks

@Arregaithel is absolutely right, @Kittenmum89 - we are all human, and sometimes we reach the end of our tether, and snap/shout. I well remember beating myself up about being shouty, when my dses were little - they can drive you absolutely spare!

I’m also not sure rewarding bad behaviour with a big toy purchase is the best idea. I’d suggest you look to make tomorrow a better day - if you want to give him a treat, make it a smaller one - a trip to the park, with an ice cream at the end if he’s good. And an ice cream for you because mum deserves a treat too!

Sounds like the house needs toddler proofing a bit more with safety gates, or doors being shut with handles that he can’t open. Don’t reward the kid for bad behaviour. He’s being a normal toddler, and all parents shout occasionally.

Ok.

no trip to buy a reward.

How old is wee one? Trip to buy safe area. Safety gates or playpen depends on age.

lower expectations, then lower them again. And again.

husband away for three weeks at a time? That’s rough. Focus on down time when he is home.

Hi there OP.
Listen, toddlers are extremely hard work as it is so all encompassing, and you feel like you are 'on' 24/7. Maybe look at it this way-the guilt and shame are good things- these strong emotions are telling you something.
That something isn't that you are a terrible mother or a bad person, (most of us are guilty of shouting at our kids at points, I know I have, and I felt awful each and every time).
But perhaps they are telling you that it wasn't great behaviour and that you'd probably rather not resort to this too often in the future. This is a good thing- you're a good mum, so you know when you're in the wrong.
They are maybe also telling you that you that you are burned out, and in need of something that replenishes your energy, gives you a break, feeds your soul (whatever suits best!).
I don't know what your circumstances are, or how easy it is to carve out any small acts of self-care for yourself. I would urge you to reach out to a friend or relative for help, to perhaps create space for a short break somewhere. You'll probably have heard the expression that you can't pour from an empty jug, and it sounds like maybe yours is running very low?
Perhaps these strong emotions are telling you that you need more support? Is this something you can discuss with your partner?
Nobody is perfect, every parent under the sun has lost it with their kids at some point, it's what we learn from it that counts.
Be kind to yourself, mistakes are human, it's how we get better at stuff.
It could help, when notice that you feel like you're losing your temper, to see if you can take a pause, and if safe to do so, remove yourself briefly from the situation. Remind yourself that they are so small, and we are so big. Practice box breathing, this is so helpful for calming the nervous system.
And asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
But most of all, extend the same compassion to yourself that you would give a friend in the same situation.
From a mum who used to lose it. All the best.

Toddlers are basically very cute arseholes

But one brilliant thing about them is that they do not bear grudges.

Rewarding him for bad behaviour?
you will be straight back on here in two weeks time when he is acting up again.

Apologise to each other, hug and tomorrow is a new day!

Someone told me once when my eldest was still a tiny baby that their biggest parenting tip is to childproof the absolute hell out of your house so you never have to say “no don’t do that”.

I’ve always been in two minds about it because I do think that because the world is not childproof, children ought to learn… but I have followed the advice, and I do think that my heavily childproofed home is key to my sanity 😅

don’t beat yourself up x

Thank you all so much for your responses so far.

we are currently in a 2 bed flat and desperately need to upsize. But nothing is coming up suitable for us. My DS is 22 months.

I wish I could say baby gates would help however he is a clever little cookie and always manages to get them open.(both sets of GP’s have them) However I may look for one so I can keep him in the kitchen/living room with me while making dinner. As with doors he is tall for his age and can reach handles to open doors.

I would usually get a night to myself when husband is away however my mother in law has been ill for around 10 weeks. Meaning she hasn’t been able to help with childcare. And don’t like to ask my parents as they have him a Tuesday and Wednesday when I am at work. However mother in law has asked to have him a few hours tomorrow (I am off work) so will get some me time then. And considering asking parents to have him over night next weekend. They would love to anyway. Just don’t like to ask as they help out a lot. We are very lucky that way.

You are human and under pressure. Nobody is happy and chill all the time.

Don't buy the trainset, that's just not appropriate or necessary.

I agree no for a train. I think that was my thought when feeling terrible guilt. But you are right. He would be happy just with playing with me with his current toys

We’ve all been there . Don’t beat yourself up. Try and have a relaxing evening, a good night’s sleep, and reset for tomorrow.

Tomorrow is a new day
Try some new baby gates or put a door lock up higher or get locking door knobs/a latch to contain him when you do important tasks
Screaming at him obviously not helpful and he will just filter that out in future. Save it for dangerous situations like running away from you etc
Slightly raised voice fine
Get down on their level and put a hand on their arm "no, ds. Taps for baths only. Let's go and do xyz" if he runs back then "No."
"Food is for eating. If you throw it mealtime is over" and obviously at first he will throw it and each time get him out of the seat and clear the food away no fuss but ignoring him. If he says he's hungry then you say "you threw food and mealtime is over. We can eat later at x time" and maybe a visual timer or timer set

really the comprehension just isn't there for a 2 year old you usually only can do a firm No and a redirect and praise the good behaviour it's just absolutely exhausting and many a time I've had to leave an activity with a kid being held like a rugby ball because I follow through on "if you do that we leave the park. Make your choice"

Make up a reward chart or marbles in a jar for rewards. Nothing overly hard just good listening etc.
It's sunny now so get out and about as much as you can, have picnic dinners out at playground, splash parks etc so they're worn out and can come home and watch a dvd/calm cbeebies on tv or just straight to bed after a bath etc

Instead of guilt buying him toys how about you focus on connection instead
So phone and tv etc away/off (not saying you have it out I'm just meaning total immersion) and on the floor playing small world play or doing crafts, painting etc
Bake some fairy cakes or buy them and do some decorating together
Every time you shout and aren't happy with your grumpiness then ur "punishment" can be connection with him playing whatever boring toddler game. Hide and seek or whatever
It will alleviate mum guilt lol

We've all had days like this.

Toddlers just experiment all the time and are not going to care about safety. I have to take mine out a lot because if he is in the house for any extended period of time I.e. a few hours, I don't get a moment's rest as he has climbed on to chairs and tries jumping off (or tables!). If he goes out and comes home tired, I can usually rely on him doing a quiet activity for a while.

If your kid is similarly high energy, try tiring them out by taking them to the park or softplay or similar for half a day.