Very disobedient (can’t think if a better word than this) toddler!

[whywonthelisten]

I have 2 boys; eldest is 5, youngest is 2.5. Eldest has always been reasonably compliant. His default position is to want to do things correctly; he’s always been good at listening in activities we take him to. He’s not perfect but he’ll typically do as he’s asked.

His younger brother is very different. He seems to have very little interest in doing what he’s told or following rules. He has exceptional communication skills and if asked he will accurately repeat what he was supposed to do and also confirm he didn’t do it (all in a very performatively sad voice). Example - I’ve asked him not to jump off the sofa and he did it anyway, immediately after I’ve told him not to. He seems very contrite but will do it again 5 minutes later. I’m unsure what consequences are appropriate for a 2.5yr old because I never really had this experience with the older child.

Any words of wisdom for dealing with very non-compliant toddlers?

A very non-compliant toddler? You mean a toddler?! Sorry OP, I think your eldest is the outlier here. Toddlers are nuts.

He is very young ( obviously you know that ) so it’s highly likely that he is just a terrible two. Regardless of his language skills he is still a lovely little boy.
Maybe you need to say if he does something then he has to have a time out. But be very consistent.
I have four sons and they are all very different and were a pain at different stages. In my experience comparisons are unhelpful. Also you need to realise that it’s best to remove him from situations before they become an issue. If he jumps on the sofa once and is told then maybe take him to do something with you before he does it again.

Sorry not lovely - although I’m sure he is - I meant lively

This is not disobedience, it is the battle of wills. You want him to do or not do something, he wants the opposite.
Time will help, but in the meantime, for things that are dangerous, jumping from furniture, you have different methods, you can carry him away from the sofa and he is not allowed on it or you can go with him to pick a book or 10 books and you sit with him reading them, explaining we sit on the sofa, nobody jumps on it.

sounds like normal toddler behaviour to me especially a boy. If he’s like my boy then you haven’t seen nothing yet. You’ve been lucky with your oldest so was I with my Dd. I was fooled. Now am always on my feet and he still hasn’t called down 4.

meant hasn’t calmed down

I also think you were just lucky that your first was compliant and rule bound.
I think your younger one's behaviour sounds pretty normal for a two year old!

Agree this is normal behaviour. They are exploring the world and testing boundaries. It is also a attention thing.

Mine jumps off the sofa and waits to see my reaction. If I react, he does it again. Sometimes if I don't react, he gets bored and does something else. Also, running off with something e.g. the calpol bottle, so I chase him, running up the stairs etc. The list is endless.

I usually ignore (if not unsafe), physically hold him (if it is unsafe) or distract him (most common). He is articulate and can follow complex instructions- he just doesn't want to!

My oldest was just like yours and the second boy came as a shock to me. The third even more so! They are all lovely and well behaved teens now so hang in there, be consistent and calm. (As much as is possible!)

Read up about impulse control
at this age - it’s very low.
Distraction, keeping an eye on them. Physically removing them. All those things help.

speak differently,
instead of saying, come here
ask him, can you do this, so he wants to

My two are exactly the same, my oldest 6 listens so well and follows the rules, always has done, very well behaved.
Second child is not interested in following the rules at all… 😂. I’d say consequences at this age for the serious stuff and I would pick your battles, would be time out on the step or corner, corner is handy because if you’re out and about and behaviour is REALLY bad there is always a corner. Also make sure you are kneeling down to talk to them, look them in the eye and explain why, not just do as I say, no explanation.
It gets easier as PP said, most toddlers are sent to test us😂🥰.

Thank you everyone - point taken!

i have realised how we were lucky with DS1. It’s amazing how different they are. All of the books / toys etc that got passed down from the eldest were in great condition; DS2 has basically destroyed them all immediately 😬. He’s extremely loud, never does what he’s told and breaks everything 😂

we don’t get angry with him but I just wondered if I could improve things at all by dealing with him better. It’s only really an issue when I’m trying to do something else, like cook dinner, for example. When I’m engaged with him he’s fine, it’s when he’s left to his own devices that chaos ensues! (When I say left to his own devices, he’s in the same room as me just doesn’t have my attention)

Duplicate post

DS1 was like this, DS2 was calm and compliant. I’d been beating myself up telling myself I was shit at parenting until DS2 came along. Our sofas were ruined.

DS1 is now 13 and lovely, but is diagnosed with AuDHD and still struggles with impulse control (although he is medicated in school).

Had this with all four of my sons. Typical terrible twos behaviour.

My DS is almost 2.5 and exactly like this, very loud, very articulate and understands everything but doesn't usually follow instructions, pure energy and chaos. He's lovely but very intense and needs constant attention and supervision and can't stay still/wait/be contained/ zero impulse control.

He's suspected AuDHD. Not saying this also applies to your DS, there are more factors at play, i'm recently diagnosed too and this follows a pattern of sensory seeking behaviour and nervous systen sensitivity pretty much from the day DS was born.

I guess time will show how your DS develops but sending solidarity as wild toddlers are exhausting (and of course lovely and much loved).

DS1 was like this, DS2 was calm and compliant. I’d been beating myself up telling myself I was shit at parenting until DS2 came along.

The reason I've not been beating myself up too much is because we had DS1 first 😂

He's suspected AuDHD.

A couple of people have mentioned this so it'll be interesting to see how it pans out for our DS.

Can I ask whether you suspect this based on the behaviour you mention or if there are additional contributing factors?

Timers and countdowns work really well with my 3 year old. He loves numbers so this lands effectively with him.

Instead of "turn off the tv", I put a 5 mins timer on Alexa and he usually turns it off with no further fuss.

At the park I'll say 3 more swings and then we go home.

If he's gonna jump off the sofa it's not ideal but you can meet him in the middle and say only once and make sure he's supervised and then distract him with something else?

If I'm waiting for him to come brush his teeth, I start counting back from 10.

Cleaning up song on YouTube also kicks him into action

Hope that might help

It may be ND but it's not unusual to be lacking in impulse control at this age. He knows what he shouldn't do, but he can't help himself. It might be better to take a different approach. Rather than say, "Don't jump off the sofa," try "Show me how you get down from the sofa safely and we'll do (insert activity to distract him from the sofa and burn off the jumping energy)". Destroying books would upset me, so I'd only let him have the books when supervised and take them away if he was ripping them.

Sounds entirely normal, your first sounds very unusual! Whats wrong with jumping off a sofa, mine does that all the time. If they hurt themselves they’ll soon learn

I wouldn’t mind but we were in a first floor flat at the time and he weighs 17kgs! It must sound like he’s coming through the ceiling for the poor woman downstairs! 😱

Thank you - we hadn’t tried count downs yet so I’ll give that a go.

Thank you. A lot of these issues aren’t really a problem if I’m engaging with him (I’m not sure if there’s an element of attention seeking?). The sofa thing, for example, if I’d have been with him I’d have said ‘let’s get off the sofa gently and do X’ held his hand and he would have done that fine. It’s when I turn around to make dinner that he rushes back to the sofa and starts jumping on and off the sofa. If he’s getting very focussed attention is actually pretty well behaved and you can tell he loves the engagement