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Original poster

So disappointed with ex (DC) father should be used to it by now

7 replies

Redruby2020 · 01/05/2026 15:57

So there is so much history. This is who he is at the end of the day, knew all of this of course but DC came about because it was an abusive relationship.

I mention this because in my own fully right mind it wouldn’t have happened of course. As I would not have put on a child or myself what I had already suffered.

So post is about today/this weekend. Usually DC is going to father 3 weekends in a month.
He has done this many times, amongst other things.
That hours before or at the time he ‘usually’ collects DC. He will cancel.
This occasion he has got in contact btw 2-3pm, to say that he is painting his room (he is in a small share) and hoped to finish yesterday, needed more paint excuse excuse.
It’s not just all about a good length of notice, because that doesn’t make it okay. And everyone will have their own idea of what is reasonable. But he know full well when it’s anything to do with him, he likes to know at least a day or more ahead.

It’s not even if it is true it’s the sheer behaviour of him. Amongst so many other things where he is a let down/dissapointment. Child is not his focus of course, no excuses but that’s not why he had a child.
He also only and has also put himself and his family(I know a child is his family) friends cousins and all their kids first. He is from a culture where some do this sadly, again not okay.

Went to collect DC and they were upset and disappointed of course. I feel sad for him really I try not to over rubbish his father but I have to explain it how I can and because he knows how things can be.

I guess I’m just part having a rant and also to share experiences, but also that what can I do about this. Because I had looked in to an order before but started forms for legal help and other things came up which really did get in the way. Then of course because it works okay some of the time in terms of just sticking with planned days, not everything else. Then I think how much will be solved from legal side of things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redruby2020 · 02/05/2026 15:06

Bump

OP posts:
Firefly100 · 02/05/2026 15:16

Your poor child. They’re a couple of things I would suggest. Firstly, you could agree or insist on a more precise time to pick up - say 10am or 11am and ask he confirms this by say 5pm the day before - or whatever notice you need. If no confirmation by the deadline, make alternative arrangements and execute them. If he gets in touch after the deadline tell him too late, try again next week. Don’t be in if he comes over anyway.
If he confirmed but doesn’t turn up, have a back up plan you know your son will enjoy as a consolation for him and once dad is 30 (maybe 15?) mins overdue with no explanation - or even with an explanation if you don’t like it - go out and do the fun activity. If he gets in touch, stand your ground and say he didn’t turn up so you made alternative arrangements.
You cannot change his behaviour or attitude but you can change your own. Stop pandering to him. Even if you try to get things sorted legally, you still won’t be able to stop him cancelling at the drop of a hat or refusing to commit so personally I wouldn’t bother. If he doesn’t like you not fitting in around him, let him go to the courts.

Firefly100 · 02/05/2026 15:19

Thinking about it I’d also add to the post above, maybe reconsider to 2 weekends per month. Less opportunity to let your son down and he might reconsider cancelling if it means he won’t see him for a month.

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Sourandsweet1 · 02/05/2026 15:21

At least now he’s back with you and not literally watching paint dry. Take him out maybe and make the most of the lovely weather. How old is he?

Original poster
Redruby2020 · 03/05/2026 15:32

Firefly100 · 02/05/2026 15:16

Your poor child. They’re a couple of things I would suggest. Firstly, you could agree or insist on a more precise time to pick up - say 10am or 11am and ask he confirms this by say 5pm the day before - or whatever notice you need. If no confirmation by the deadline, make alternative arrangements and execute them. If he gets in touch after the deadline tell him too late, try again next week. Don’t be in if he comes over anyway.
If he confirmed but doesn’t turn up, have a back up plan you know your son will enjoy as a consolation for him and once dad is 30 (maybe 15?) mins overdue with no explanation - or even with an explanation if you don’t like it - go out and do the fun activity. If he gets in touch, stand your ground and say he didn’t turn up so you made alternative arrangements.
You cannot change his behaviour or attitude but you can change your own. Stop pandering to him. Even if you try to get things sorted legally, you still won’t be able to stop him cancelling at the drop of a hat or refusing to commit so personally I wouldn’t bother. If he doesn’t like you not fitting in around him, let him go to the courts.

Thankyou so much for your reply, and it’s funny that you should say that, as that is what I was advised to do, tried it and it kind of worked but not very much and got long, as the fight went on for power and control.
So he basically would say when I said this is what we will do ‘I can’t give a time’ then it had been set to decide that by a certain time.
And he would go past the time to arrange that by, meaning I had to get in contact, which was not the end of the world and meant asserting the situation. And he would still mess around.

But I do agree, and understand, from professional advice and what you have said as to why it is a good idea to do these things, and can work, to an extent.
Yes I agree about the legal side of things too, still not being able to sort it out.

OP posts:
Firefly100 · 03/05/2026 16:19

Ok so it sounds like the point isn’t so much to see his son as to exert control and influence over you. I’d suggest, as he is so unable to schedule his time (!) then you tell him you will make his son available to him from 10- 6 every other Saturday (or whenever suits you). If he doesn’t like that proposal he is welcome to suggest something different for your consideration but it must be a standard arrangement so that you and DS have routine and clarity and until then your plan is in force. Then, as above, go out if he doesn’t turn up (and go out until 6pm if he does). No need to contact one another ever again…
Unless he fails to return your son on time (my prediction for next control step) then never contact him again. Any long term solution that requires contact is unacceptable for you.

Firefly100 · 03/05/2026 16:50

Alternatively if you think it would work better, you could go with a ‘do what you want to then’ attitude. No schedule, get in touch when you want to see DS and if I have made no other plans I’ll agree but if it is not convenient then no (no discussion or alternative offers - just ‘no’) and after every ‘no’ follow by - ‘do make a proposal if you would prefer to have a fixed routine schedule instead’. This way you don’t need to be available 2x month but you will need some contact. Although he will need to contact you not vice versa. Same rules apply, if he doesn’t turn up then go out. If you find he is not turning up regularly at your offered times (to try to exert control) this may work better.

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