My 3 year old is testing my patience

[Fedup360]

I’m at a bit of a loss, I feel like the worlds worst mum at the moment my 3 year old daughter who I love dearly is pushing boundaries a lot at the moment, I have 3 children she’s the youngest. It seems as though at moment she’s pushing me all day everyday and I just feel on the verge of tears constantly, I feel awful but I do sometimes snap at her and get viably frustrated, which I hate and I want to me calmer, some examples..

today I cleaned the bathroom, I then went to clean my sons room and I’d put his bedding on the floor, while I sorted his bed out, she was following me around and that was fine, and then she came in and stood on his bedding and there was poo on his pillow case, so I looked at her and there was poo all down her legs, obviously she’d been toilet and not asked for help, I’m not upset about that, I changed his bedding, the problem was that when I went into the bathroom there was water everywhere and soap squirted all over the sink and floor, like she’s literally just gone in and instantly wrecked it all, I said to her why didn’t you ask for help? And she said her catch phrase at the moment which is “I can do it myself” 🫨

when I’m on my phone she taps all over the screen so I can’t read anything (I know this is attention seeking) and I’m barely on my phone sometimes I just need a 5 minute break but I can’t. When I’m eating she shrieks that she needs something, I already give her everything she could need but she always needs something else, I haven’t sat and eaten a full meal undisturbed in god knows how long. When I stop the car for traffic lights or when I park up if I don’t get her out instantly she starts shouting “I don’t like waiting” if I’m on the phone she squels for my attention, I was trying to make a doctors appointment the other day and it was nearly impossible

this is my 3rd baby, but I don’t remember it ever being this challenging before. what am I doing wrong? 🥲

Sorry but I laughed at 'I can do it myself' in a trashed bathroom, but mine are all grown up. Are your first two boys by any chance as I do think they are easier (although I realise I'll get shouted at for that😂). Your not doing anything wrong, they just all have different personalities, also with three there is less time to give them .........and she is obviously keen for your undivided attention. I'd try praising her more, couple of years and you'll be glad she is wanting to be so independent. Problem with kids is that they want to do things themselves when they are too young to manage it then when they have learnt it and could actually be useful they don't want to do it anymore and rather mum did it.🤷🥰

"No, dd, mummy is eating her food now. I get your lunch and now it's my turn. I'll be with you in 20 minutes" and set a visual timer or alexa if you like.

If she taps on your phone I'd just stand up somewhere away from her or implement quiet/relax time where she watches TV and you have a cuppa and sit at the table to do some scrolling ... or hide your phone behind a book lol

Squealing on the phone again go to your room or away from her and shut the door but tell her you are taking a 5/10 minute break, again set a timer and if she doesn't disturb you then she gets a sticker on a reward chart and you praise her patience. And then get right down into her world and do some proper playing or crafting together so she knows she gets one on one absolute attention but has to let you go away for it.

You could perhaps schedule in 1 on 1 craft or play time if you think she'd like it at the same time everyday and predictable eg now we have lunch together and then we will play with the dinos/legos.

Re water everywhere and soap squirted I would've perhaps took her to the toilet and oversaw cleaning and washing up and then dealt with changing the sheets. But that's one of those things!!

Think you need a recharge and a reset from catering to her every need and prioritise yourself it will be good for her to learn that you need to put yourself first too and that mummy isn't a slave 😉

All very normal 3 year old behaviour, your first 2 must have been angels if you haven’t had this before. What is she doing whilst you are cleaning the bathroom then changing sheets? Most children that age wouldn’t like to be left to their own devices for that long and often have short attention spans. If you see her going to the bathroom, stop what you’re doing to help her, she’ll need help still with wiping at this age. If you didn’t know she went to the bathroom then that is a bigger issue.

Thankyou! That’s really helpful, I think the reward chart is a good idea for her she would respond well to that, I’m 3 kids deep but I’m so overwhelmed and frazzled at the moment I can’t even think straight. I have an 11 year old son who’s taking his sats this week, an autistic 6 year old daughter who needs a lot of attention, it’s her birthday Saturday so im planning that, and I’m planning a wedding, so the demanding 3 year old is the cherry on top 😂

she does 2 full days at nursery Monday and Friday so I have 2 days a week to refuel, but my god I feel like my brain is going 100mph and I can’t function

Some kids are just harder than others. My eldest was a holy terror and I do look at friends who had perfect angels and then on 2nd or 3rd ones have more demanding kids.

Some people are born with a natural proclivity for art, or maths, or piano. Equally, some are born with shorter fuses and lower attention spans than others. Some need more input.

I would say the only way you can really train it out of her is consistency. Just flatly refuse to get her anything else at the dinner table. For phone-reading either go in the loo and lock the door (if it's 5 mins and she's safe) or find yourself a nice perch somewhere she can't reach - I had to breastfeed my youngest standing up as jealous eldest would try and jump in and get involved.

We actually saw a psychologist about eldest as he was so difficult. Her view was some kids want attention and if it's bad attention (getting cross) that's just the same as good attention for them. The best lesson in situations like that is just totally ignore attention seeking behaviour - screaming etc, and give attention for good behaviour, eg: if she makes it through a meal without shrieking for things then massively praise her for doing so well, lots of cuddles etc.

Also wait for her to get older. She'll get easier!

The other day I took her to Asda, the first thing I did was take her to the toilet I went to the toilet and I said to her do you need the toilet? She said “no Thankyou mummy I don’t need the toilet” okay brilliant, I walked to the party aisle which in our Asda is the other end of the shop and 2 minutes later she started screaming I need to toilet I need the toilet, I probably looked like a right bitch because I huffed and said oh for god sakes, but I had no time, it was just gone 2 I had to be at the school for 3 and now I had to walk all the way back to the toilet after just asking her, I think it was because I was buying a card and balloons for her sisters birthday and she wanted my attention again. I wish I didn’t get so frustrated.

I think at that age you could try a visual timer for specific tasks like if you need to make a phone call? The cleaning example, I'm amazed you even attempt to clean the bathroom or a bedroom with a child there, what was she doing until the point she came in? I personally wouldn't even try to do a longer task like that with a preschooler around, can't you do that when she's at nursery? I don't see her as being particularly demanding from what you said. I wouldn't expect to eat a meal in peace with a little kid there!

It was just a tidy up not a full clean, I picked th clothes up, wiped the sink down, put the bath toys away and cleaned the toilet took me about 5 minutes but I tidy up for about half an hour everyday so the mess dosnt build up she was just pottering around either following me or playing with her paw patrol toys, Sometimes I put the telly on so I can get a few jobs done

yabu for thinking you can just go on your phone when you need to!
my son does wxactly the same, I can only use my phone once he is set up busy with something. To be fair why would we had screen time when they don’t (from their perspective)

Honestly 😂 I was trying to check my email for the collection code for my next parcel the other day and she took it out my hand and said I want to watch baby shark 😂 I was stood at the collection machine, I was like this is mummy’s phone you don’t snatch it off me, and she was like it’s not fair I want to watch something 😭 it’s my fault because sometimes I let her watch it on my phone while I’m driving so she dosnt scream, I’m a relatively new driver (9 months) so I need to concentrate

That’s life with young children isn’t it, both of mine do this. You can’t expect to go anywhere with limited time with no delays, there’s always something. Re the phone thing, If you’ve given her your phone to watch something on then she will associate it with that and want it when you get it out.

I know I’ve made a rod for my own back, I think I’m just feeling quite deflated at the moment because it’s quite full on. It’ll pass

It does sound like she's a bit put out by the necessary attention her 6 Yr old sister gets. You may already do this but did you involve her in the choosing of the card and balloons or were you just trying to get done as quickly as possible. Think I talked mine to death but I involved them in everything, can honestly say i never had a tantrum in a shop as they knew exactly what was going to happen before we went in and I stuck to it. So they were told what they were allowed, eg no sweets today but could choose which cereal/juice etc, gave them the shopping list even when tiny and sat in the shopping trolley with a pencil to cross off what we'd got, basically didn't give them chance to think of anything else or be naughty. And praise, so much praise for them 'helping'😂

I used to clean the bathroom whilst they were in the bath and give them a clean cloth to wash the tiles for me as 'mummy couldn't reach', gave them bread dough to make their own rolls whilst making pizza, basically their own version of whatever I was doing in a safe manner but fun. Yes I had three too but closer together 7 & 4 when third born and it's exhausting💐

I try to do this because when I’m cooking for example she’s at my feet so I give her a cloth and ask her to go and clean the doors or something and then I go round and say oh wow what a good job, and it works sometimes and not others.

Say ‘no’ more
often. Ignore her more
often
(when you’ve told her what you are doing)
Stop pandering to her every demand, you are creating a very selfish child with entitlement issues.
You are the parent; lead the way.
Her screaming at you in the car
as “she doesn’t like waiting”
is appalling. Teach her to wait her turn.
She will be a nightmare for her teachers.

Thankyou I actually needed the validation that I’m not being sensitive and her behaviour is unacceptable, whenever I try and vent to family members they just say “aww but she’s so cute” or “she’s hilarious” she is very cute but I don’t find the behaviour funny at all. It’s extremely hard, especially with a daughter who genuinely needs a lot of attention, I have to spend 5 minutes 2x a day doing speech therapy with my autistic daughter, it’s so hard because one thing I have to do is sit quietly with her and copy any words she says, my 3 year old won’t let me do it. So I have to wait untill my partner comes home which is bath dinner and bed time. I say to her can mummy and sissy just have 5 minutes in the playroom and then I will come and play with you but she won’t let me. I try and give her something to do but as soon as she sees me sitting down with her sister she’s right in my face.

I'm afraid you might have to endure a few more tantrums to get her away from your phone. I know it's an easy fix but there's no way a 3 Yr old should be playing with something that can cost nearly £1k. Friend's child threw her phone out of the car window when she asked for it back.

Do you have any punishments/sanctions for poor behaviour generally?
I would start applying them, regularly and consistently. You will have to persevere as she has got used to having life all her own way.
Your partner needs to be on board too.
I can assure you no one else in her life will be thinking this behaviour is cute, and they will be judging you for letting her get away with it.
Has she ever seen you cross?

I think a change is even more essential because your other child really needs you so much.
And then there’s you! You need to find some space for yourself, for your own wellbeing. Don’t give up on this, you are a member of the family and you matter.
I really wish you all the best; it will be tough, and then it will be easier for you all.

Sending sympathy...some very judgemental comments on here about not setting a good example
...as a mother to a 3 year old and having worked in the Early Years Education sector for more than 10 years, I can tell you what works for one wont work for another! Plus as this is your youngest you will realise this anyway!
All children are different and your little threenager is testing your boundaries. Have you tried a visual reward chart? Something simple even like a homemade one, where she gets a cool sticker for helping or being kind etc. If she gets a sticker a day it might mean a special weekend treat? That way she gets her own special bit of attention and you notice if she does something good. So then she might feel like she doesnt need to act up as much for negative attention. (She still might, 3 year olds are still really impulsive).

I had to do this for a bit with my DS as he was going through a patch of trying to get the wrong attention. He too is quite demanding. Its difficult as I try to set his expectations and my husband is scared of the tantrums and will give in 🤣 so for example he will ask me to get a toy for him during meal time. I say no you can have it after we have eaten and let him grumble/tantrum but my husband panics and gets the toy after about 2 minutes.

We have also started to give him a warning, so if he does something wrong like throwing a toy, or hitting/kicking, we just give him a choice "stop that now or if you do that again we will take your toy away for the rest of the day". Usually works and we never have to take a toy. I think there was one or two big meltdowns originally as he didnt believe us but when he knew we were serious he stopped after a warning!

Good luck anyway and hope you get some helpful tips!

thankyou! When I try and tell her anything she just says huh? What? What did you say?

so telling her off is difficult because she just says huh? 😭😂 I end up repeating and repeating and that just makes me more frustrated

lots to try to tommorow

Take phones away completely, from her. I have learnt that screens are the devil. We have a much better calmer life since stopping phone play. Tv seems fine, doesn’t have the same affect but there’s something awful about phones for kids brains.

I laughed at your post as it reminds me of my 3 year old! Spent 20 mins watching her put her PJs on last night because ‘I don’t need help Mummy!’ I had work to do so was a little despaired. When finished I realised she had her top on back to front…I thought about it and decided I didn’t care enough to raise the issue with her 🤣.
I swear my 6 year old wasn’t this bad. Ironically I get frustrated with her when she asks for help to get dressed as I feel she is old enough to get on with it.
Guess they can’t win with me 😂

If your other daughter is autistic, your youngest might be too. Hope you have some support x