Angry and aggressive in a morning and bedtime

[pinkyponkyplink]

I feel like walking out. For the last few years, I’ve found my 10 year old extremely hard work. She definitely is on the spectrum somewhere but school aren’t concerned so she’s possibly masking. I know I’m going to get some comments about adhd and getting a referral. I’m sure I will but for now I need some practical support.

hubby and I are at our wits end. My 13 year old is easy going. My 10 year old is impossible to live with. We are walking on egg shells. She is controlling, angry and aggressive.

hubby works long hours so I do mornings and usually bed times. I need to leave the house at 7:20 for the childminders. I try and wake her with a kiss and a cuddle at 6:20 but she always needs more time. Then I go in at 6:30 and she still needs time. This goes on. If I push her to get ready, she gets angry. This morning it was ‘get out’. I don’t speak to her like this and tell her this but it’s so hard. Then i feel like I’m constantly putting pressure on her to get teeth brushed, eat breakfast etc so I can get us out the door in time for me to go to work.

After school, they both have activities but tonight they haven’t and it’s been the usual painful bedtime. Hubby got in at 7:30. They had already eaten, had had desert and were on iPads. We asked them a few times to come off iPads and get showered etc but again hit with an angry 10 year old. After lots of asking, the tension was building and she had a shower. Then she starts messing in her room and then in her sisters room. Hubby and I haven’t eaten and are tired but the 10 year old continues to mess. So then hubby gets cross and tells her to get in her room and go to bed. She retaliates with anger. She was there, gritting her teeth telling us to get out of her room. It was 9:45 and she still wasn’t in bed and then she starts hitting!

hubby has gone to bed with no dinner and just absolutely fed up. I’m sat here trying to think of ways to make everything more manageable. Her behaviour is so difficult. What can I do? She’s lost her iPad. Ive been wondering what else I can do to help her control her emotions. Im even wondering about fining her for hitting- like people have a swear jar. Help!

She's probably exhausted from lack of sleep. 10-6 isn't enough at her age really.

I'd have physically taken the ipad at 7. Then shower time, then bed by 8.

Shes got too much control over your house. Why are the adults not eating because of a 10yo.

Another thing is one adult on cooking, and one on bed time. Like when they were toddlers.

Have you tried setting visible timers for her? Because it sounds like big transitions are really difficult for her.
Also all the steps involved in getting up and dressed can be overwhelming. They are for me, and Im an adult with autism. Can you make a visual timetable using PECS to show what needs to be done in what order?
The violence could well be frustration at herself as well as you.
www.etsy.com/uk/listing/4301662858/the-big-1600-pecs-communication-cards

She and you and DH need a clear time table of what is happening when. All children but especially autistic children need certainty. She needs time warnings of when to come off the ipad eg 10 minutes left, then 5 minutes and last turns.

If he isn’t going to bed until 10 and needs to be out the house at 7.20 she is going to exhausted. Spending a long day at school and then in wrap around will be extra challenging for an autistic child.

You’re going to need a long term plan for mornings. What is going to happen when she gets to secondary school?

Have you and DH had the opportunity to learn much about autism and how to parent an autistic child?

If brushing her teeth is a trigger point have you spoken to her about what she finds difficult? She may find the flavour too strong or the paste itself too foamy? I would try a few different ones to see if there is one she prefers. You can also buy tasteless toothpaste, which some DC who are ND see to prefer.

If she’s not brushing her teeth at home though, can you pop the toothpaste and toothbrush in a little waterproof bag and send her to the CM with it?

If she’s hitting you it sounds as though she’s really not coping. Does she have an ECHP and have you got a referral for assessment yet?

I would look up PDA strategies to help you deal with her at home. The book 10 days to a less defiant child has some strategies that should work for you and DH.

One thing that worked for me was love bombing. I realised that I was tense around our DD and possibly frowning slightly when I saw her. She is diagnosed as AuDHD and is super sensitive to facial expressions. This is made more complicated because she can’t properly interpret them so believes that if you’re doing anything other than smiling at her, you’re unhappy with her. So I decided to smile at her everytime I saw her as though seeing her was the best thing that could have happened. I admit at first I had to fake it but now it’s genuine. She’s relaxed a lot and we do get on so much better.

If teatime for you and DH is a problem, when do the DC eat? Can they have a substantial snack after school and you all eat together?

@Sunseansandandautism we are booked in the doctors in a few weeks and taking it from there. We do give her small timely reminders eg in a morning it’s get up in 5 mins but then she wants another 5. And this continues. How do I actually get her to get up so we have enough time and I’m not stressed and late?!

@TinyMouseTheatre No referral yet as seeing the doctor in 3 weeks. Thanks for the book. I give the DC their food around 5:30/6:30 when they get in from activities. We don’t eat until 9/10pm as hubby gets in late. Sometimes I try and eat with DC but sometimes eat with hubby.

My DH always got in much later too. I found it much easier to cook once, eat with the DC and for DH to have his warmed up later.

Try and get her in bed earlier - easier said than done.

Make her a visual time table of what needs to be done in order, let her have whatever ahe wants for breakfast, don’t worry if it’s not the most healthy option, what are her prefered textures - crunchy are often prefered and so are cold drinks eg smoothie. For teeth brushing try 3 sided toothbrush and alternative tooth paste eg oral nurse or flavoured toothpaste (check fluroide levels). Is uniform suitable, does she need sensory adjustments? Get her clothes out for her the night before. Make everything as easy for her as possible. But only change one thing at a time.

Autistic people are often dysregulated in the morning and transitions are difficult for autistic people, this is worse when dysregulated and eating ready is full of transitions.

You may need to rethink after school clubs, autistic people often need more down time.

You need to be calm and regulated yourself so she can ‘borrow your calm’ as she will match your energy.

Having said all of this, I know it isn’t easy and was 90% of autistic children will have an autistic adult you may find your household is tricky in the morning.

I wish there was one easy answer I could give you. The book nurturing your autistic young person is a good start and Pookie Knight is a trust worthy autistic advocate. I woould say she is struggling now so start putting strategies on place now rather than waiting what what could be a long time to assessment outcome.

as others have said a standard routine for both you and DH.

much much earlier bed time and really trying to reduce blue light an hour before sleep. You had to adjust your parenting allow for a fractious settling in period and stick to it.
what other things help to regulate outside of the iPad? If there isn’t one, work on finding one. Organise clothes for the week as standard and have them hung up ready to reduce the picking and thinking. Do it together so you are not taking over all executive functioning and making her part of her routine.

cycle through 2/3 breakfasts as standard. Or have them on set days and make sure all the ingredients are always topped up.

low light and low stimulation as much as you can in the mornings. Some natural light to help with waking up maybe a hot drink in bed before she has to get up.

take it in stages.

ECHP assessment process is called ECHNA and should take 20 weeks by law but in some places it’s 60 weeks and either way you may have to appeal to courts tribunal and this takes over a year. You don’t need a diagnosis for an ECHP and you can do a parental request for one - have a look on the IPSEA website.

She sounds exhausted!
Does she really need to be up that early - breakfast at the childminders perhaps?

But definitely earlier to bed.
A definite routine every night. No iPad after dinner.
Time to wind down in her room before bed - reading, colouring, listening to music, audio book etc I have to say even at that age I still read to mine at bedtime and had a good chat about the day.

I fully believe some kids just cannot cope with ipads and screens etc, my dd was one of them. Your dd is also one of them.

Don't do what I did and go through years of hell before snapping one day and throwing the lot in the bin nip this in the bud now. You'll find a happier child at the end of it until she matures enough to manage this herself (( my dd loves gaming but to this day stays away from immersive type games as she knows they're bad for her. ))