How to support my son after school team selection disappointment

[1hatchling1fledgling]

Been said before, many times I expect. 48 applicants for 12 places on a school team for an event that attracts thousands of teams. School whittled it down to 16 through a series of gruelling trials and intense training - it’s a sporting endurance event but not competitive. My superfit kid, who competes in national events at a very demanding sport outside of school, heard today that, having made the final 15 he has not been selected. He’s gutted, I feel punched in the stomach. No reason given.
He’s highly dyslexic, very well mannered, mild mannered, processing difficulties. Dad died when he was a baby so brought up by me with older sister.
what do I say to a 15 year old boy who has devoted 6 months of training alongside his other sport that he trains 5 times a week for? How do I rebuild his self esteem (he even gave up his selection for a national championship to train for this event)
how do I deal with my own feelings? No father/husband to share the responsibilities with. Have I failed him?
what do we say to the school in terms of asking for more of an explanation? He was so proud to be doing the training and making it through the selection rounds when so many dropped out.
what if this is unconscious discrimination? He’s clever, but with processing difficulties associated with extreme dyslexia?
or is it because he isn’t a ‘pick me’, he’s not a pushy guy or natural leader?
I honestly thought that he was joking when he first told me the news; how he saw his friends celebrating their inclusion, including one who had missed a training session but is a PE favourite (and he is an amazing guy), when the rule is miss a session and you’re out.
as you can tell I am totally saddened and not a little angry, but urgently need to pick up the pieces. For my son mostly.
I know being chosen for teams has been a thread before; he so badly wanted to do this having seen his older sister, who he idolises, complete and finished. If self esteem is measured on a meter then his gauge is on zero. Advice please

This is really tough, but as a parent, you need to encourage/support your son to ask for his own feedback, you don’t do it for him.

He should contact whoever is in charge a nd say something along the lines of…

’I’m sure you’ll understand that I was disappointed not to be selected for X. Please could you give me some feedback on what I could have done differently or better so that I can increase my chances of success at events in the future.’

Thanks Littlefish. I’m a bit stuck in the immediate aftermath it’s so unfair phase, because of the shock mostly I suspect, and I own that. I doubt he will push for answers, and will likely internalise his disappointment. For me as a single widowed parent everything financially, physically and emotionally has fallen on my shoulders and I guess I’m not coping with this straw breaking the camel’s back. He has described his profound sadness at seeing those friends who have been selected celebrating. How he wanted to cry when the PE teacher called him out of his lesson to tell him not to attend after school training any more. And that it was, to quote, “a difficult choice”. He is so superfit, even by the standards of his out of school sports club, helpful, caring that I really really just don’t get it.

OP I can really understand your upset and of course your son's. My DD had a similar disappointment this year. What helped us was to keep it in perspective and really try to see it as a life lesson - sometimes you won't make the team, sometimes you might think that's unfair. Just like as an adult you might not get the job or the promotion. One of the great things about children being involved in sports is that it helps them to develop resilience when things don't go their way - you can't win all the time.

I'd sympathise with your son, encourage him to seek feedback if he wants to, but try to take a matter of fact approach to it and don't turn it into a huge drama. Your reaction will be really important to how he deals with it.

The fact is that if there were 48 applicants for 12 places then 3 out of 4 children who wanted to take part have been disappointed. He obviously feels it really keenly but you need to help him get over it even if internally you are sharing his feelings.

Hover thanks. He’s written to his PE teacher to ask if he can be a reserve and for more specific feedback. He confirmed that he is more disappointed than he is showing; he doesn’t want to make me unhappy. He’s had the most lovely affirmative messages from a few who have made the team confirming that he seemed to be a certain choice. A real kicker that someone who asked to drop out of the last training event because of exhaustion has made the team. I’m so hoping that it isn’t an unconscious SEND bias; actually I didn’t count my chickens but logically thought that he is physically and mentally so suited to this endurance event (ultramarathon/orienteering/survival) that I convinced myself that I was just catastrophising. I am trying so hard to not collapse in tears as that might imply to him that he’s let me down. But inside I am in pieces for his disappointment because it seems so ill deserved, and that the school have not adhered to the selection criteria that they explained at parents meeting. Finding and articulating the positives is tough

But there were 48 applicants for only 12 spots.

That means that by the last 15 your ds was being compared to other extremely dedicated and fit etc candidates. There may have been nothing between them and it may have been names out of the hat or alphabetical or something.

You just need to help your ds know he did everything he could and at the end of the day it came down to there not being enough spaces for all those who deserved one. He still did all the training and prep and that won't be wasted and he can still draw on it for a personal statement/CV etc.

Offering to be a reserve is a good move.

I think you really need to address your own 'woe is me' attitude. It's a massive over reaction for what is a teenagers school event.

Life is full of not being picked moments. You can't capsize every time you don't get picked. He needs to be more resilient and so do you!

I would look up the biographies of some famous sports stars/people he admires and discuss all the times they weren't picked/failed and had to pick themselves up and start over. No-one who has archived great things has been picked every time, has always been successful. It's part of life. It's normal to be really disappointed, but also to have a sense of perspective (you more than him, he's a teenager after all).

Unfortunately that’s how it goes with competition for places, some don’t get picked. I remember having to tell Ds similar news and it is so difficult, but as an adult you need to acknowledge his disappointment and let him work through it without fuelling any sense of unfairness. Focus on the positives, how proud you are of how far he got down to the last 15 and that’s a huge achievement……and next time he wants to punch something, due to overwhelming feelings, try a pillow as it’s not as sore as a wall 🤦🏻‍♀️

There is also a sense of embarrassment and loss of shared interests with friends.

In a few days think of something else for him to get involved in to challenge/distract him.

There are many people who are rejected for sports teams at that age who as adults go to play at a reasonable level later on.

I had full sympathy until you started with 'pick me'. That is so disrespectful to the other kids who have got a place.

Your own negative attitude won’t be helping him. Disappointment is a part of life. How he acts during hard times is what will shape him, not how he is when life is rosey!

when the kid has fulfilled all the selection criteria and is rejected for kids who have not fulfilled the selection criteria, that’s not a pick me issue. By selection criteria I mean fail to attend training or actually pulled up mid session too exhausted to carry on. Please don’t comment negatively without all the information.

Herewegoetc! Great name. Yes I agree, unfortunately this is not just a football match or similar, it’s a once in a lifetime age specific event. There isn’t another opportunity. Have been trying to do all that you suggest. It’s hard and I need to let my feelings out. One positive is that some of those selected have sent messages of consolation (very mature) and one even expressed his surprise at being selected over my son. I think that once we have a more reasoned explanation it will be easier to process this fall at the last hurdle. 9 months of dedicated training and it’s come out of the blue. Oh wow this sounds arrogant but he has performed spectacularly regardless. It hurts when someone who was struggling and dropped out was selected and yes, it’s hard not to make comparisons under the circumstances

Giant witch, yeah I have a negative attitude here because I don’t want to express my feelings in front of him. However I think his father dying was a pretty big disappointment to deal with. So I’d welcome some positive outcomes for a change.

Op I remember when I didn't get selected for the county hockey team, I was about 13 and absolutely devastated. To add insult to injury I remember on the way home after being told, the song on the radio was Everybody Hurts by the Corrs 😂 (I can laugh about it now). It was not long after my dad died too, and it did feel like another kick in the teeth.

But he will move on and cope, I dedicated my late primary and early secondary years to sport and it takes take awhile to process. However it did open up other opportunities and gave me time space to breathe. He will find other things that give him enjoyment, and he will still have fun playing football even if he plays in lower division. I still play social hockey for fun.

OP, "rejection" is always very emotive - worse when it is your child. Be prepared you are unlikely to get an explanation that fully satisfies either you or him as you, very naturally, cannot be objective.

There may also be aspects they will not discuss with you due to confidentiality or privacy reasons so may just cause further frustrations or feelings of unfairness. Some of the candidates might have been so close it unfortunately came down to subjective/name out a hat type decisions.

I remember ds receiving the messages from friends (and us from other parents) too, but every message just fuelled the anger/perceived injustice and meant it took longer to start moving on from the disappointment.

I think the main thing to do is for you to support him which you are doing but also express to the school that whilst you abide by their decision, the fact that they clearly communicated selection rules which they then didn't stick to, makes it extremely difficult for children to process the disappointment. That does seem off