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Original poster

13 years old wants to live with dad

37 replies

capri13 · 28/04/2026 23:30

I've changed my username but I've been here a very long time. I'm torn about what to do with my child. Please bear with me,at the age of 4 her dad walked out on us , me and her twin . He came back after a year of no contact . There was a 13 day court battle as I wanted to leave the country but he had already put a prohibition on me. It took two years living in a refuge to be allowed to leave. We've left, I got remarried have been for nearly 6 years now. Their dad took me to court again ,they both go to see him regularly, more than court ordered. For the last year she's been having issues with my husband , she says she wants to go live with her dad. He said was shown in court to be coercively controlling, amongst other things such as calling social services on me . I believe he has manipulated her into thinking she will have the perfect life with him in a private school etc etc all the holidays , no expense spared lifestyle. I've tried to make her understand that he can't provide the life she needs ,I know her , I've raised her taken her to school everyday , he doesn't know her like I do, all her wants to do is to get her to livev with him and his parents . They all sing from the same hymn sheet. I've tried to explain things to her rationally but she says I'm not listening to her. Do I just let her go ? She's been through enough trauma in her 13 years I want to protect her but she can't see that. She's deeply unhappy and I just don't know what to do and I'm scared of losing her to her father who I know that this was his goal all along. I thought by having contact with him would be good for them but it's too late. I'm sorry this is so long, thank you for reading ,please be gentle I'm so torn about what to do for the best .

OP posts:
Slupeyisinteresting · 29/04/2026 08:32

I can sympathise OP. My daughter is a similar age and has done the same thing. Her dad was a covert narcissist, a cocklodger. He never worked, never provided anything (under the guise of his 'business' that never went anywhere so I was slow to catch on). Never even wanted to look after her, palmed her off on his mum. Now, he needs her as propaganda to keep his new wife out earning on his behalf and running round after him. Ever since she turned up, suddenly he was interested.

Then we hit the teen years and whereas there are rules at my house, like brushing your teeth and washing your clothes and not being on your phone all night (you know, real draconian stuff), he lets her do what she wants.

Meanwhile my DPs silly humour was funny for her as a kid and they got on amazingly well but is now just 'cringe' and she cant stand him.

So, I let her go. I figure she'll come back at some point and MAYBE appreciate the fact I genuinely cared for her?

sueelleker · 29/04/2026 08:39

Delphiniumandlupins · 29/04/2026 00:29

If her father is so bad will he want her to live with him permanently? He might be offering this as a way to get back at you so don't let him know it bothers you. I think you probably need to let her go but make sure she knows she can come back at any time, no recriminations.

But if you do this, make sure it's a one-off offer. She can come back, but can't keep bouncing between you.

AllTheChaos · 29/04/2026 08:49

Oof. That is my nightmare, Op. in my case ex is actually a decent father (when she’s with him, not decent to me though, eg no child support paid), and massively outearns me, and really could provide better in many ways. He doesn’t understand her autism though, and so has v unrealistic expectations, which are damaging. I know mine will probably want to go and live with him at some point, and I’m hoping for what other posters on here have suggested for you, that once the child goes they will see their father for who they really are, and once they’ve had a dose of harsh reality they’ll come home again. If your child does go and live with their father, I hope that’s what happens. Why do so many men do this?

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Mumofoneandone · 29/04/2026 09:01

If there is documented cohesive control and he is basically emotionally abusive to his daughter, can you get SS involved to try and prevent her living with him?
Maybe reduce her contact with him back to court allocation, to help reduce his negative influence.
It maybe worth trying some family/individual therapy to try and unpick what's going on. You can support her and show you are listening, but it doesn't mean she gets her way.
She could be fixating on 'issues' with her step dad rather than actually addressing what's really wrong.....
She's a teenager and hormones start raging etc which adds to the challenges.

Original poster
capri13 · Yesterday 14:30

Slupeyisinteresting · 29/04/2026 08:32

I can sympathise OP. My daughter is a similar age and has done the same thing. Her dad was a covert narcissist, a cocklodger. He never worked, never provided anything (under the guise of his 'business' that never went anywhere so I was slow to catch on). Never even wanted to look after her, palmed her off on his mum. Now, he needs her as propaganda to keep his new wife out earning on his behalf and running round after him. Ever since she turned up, suddenly he was interested.

Then we hit the teen years and whereas there are rules at my house, like brushing your teeth and washing your clothes and not being on your phone all night (you know, real draconian stuff), he lets her do what she wants.

Meanwhile my DPs silly humour was funny for her as a kid and they got on amazingly well but is now just 'cringe' and she cant stand him.

So, I let her go. I figure she'll come back at some point and MAYBE appreciate the fact I genuinely cared for her?

In sorry you're in a similar situation, I know as much as she wants to go it's not in her best interests. For a start he works from around 12-12 everyday, he will palm her off to his mum who although is fit and healthy is not her parent. Honestly if it was the best for her I would but at 13 I can't see how she can make that decision but she's unhappy here.

OP posts:
Original poster
capri13 · Yesterday 14:33

AllTheChaos · 29/04/2026 08:49

Oof. That is my nightmare, Op. in my case ex is actually a decent father (when she’s with him, not decent to me though, eg no child support paid), and massively outearns me, and really could provide better in many ways. He doesn’t understand her autism though, and so has v unrealistic expectations, which are damaging. I know mine will probably want to go and live with him at some point, and I’m hoping for what other posters on here have suggested for you, that once the child goes they will see their father for who they really are, and once they’ve had a dose of harsh reality they’ll come home again. If your child does go and live with their father, I hope that’s what happens. Why do so many men do this?

That's the thing,I let her go , she realises she hates it she comes back , and maybe can go back into the same school maybe not, it will be her GCSE years by that time and I don't want it messing up her education , that's partly why Im so adamant about not letting her him she can stay with me and do her GCSEs and then move there when she's a bit older to continue her education, that's the compromise I've made in my head

OP posts:
Legolaslady · Yesterday 14:33

Can you make her happier?
I think at 13 she deserves some choices

Unexpectedlysinglemum · Yesterday 14:39

What would make her happier? What’s going on with your husband can it be sorted? Is she fantasizing that a fresh start will make her problems do away?? If she is in year 8, year 9 is a good time to trial living in Scotland if she likes it she can do her standard grades there, if she doesn’t she can come back to England for gsces.

PoppinjayPolly · Yesterday 14:49

What’s home life like? Does she have siblings other than her twin?

Tryagain26 · Yesterday 15:02

Is she close to her sister? Wouldn't she miss her? Does her sister get on with your partner?
Are you able to get to the bottom of why she is unhappy? It sounds as if she wants to run away from her unhappiness rather than run towards her father
Also it sounds as though she doesn't feel heard. Are you able to let her tell you why she wants to move to her dad's without interrupting or disagreeing with her just listen?
Then ask her to fully think through all the implications of such a move not just the positives. Such as her dad's working pattern, her new school, her friends and social life, being away from you and her sister etc
Tell her you want her to be happy and you would miss her but you will support her decision whatever it is but only if it's a well thought out considered opinion.
She might just surprise you and decide to stay with you.

steppemum · Yesterday 15:22

the very first post asked why she doesn't like your husband, and the only reply is that she thinks it is his fault you moved here.

Is that it? because that doesn't seem to be enough ofr her to be really unhappy at home right now.

It is a tough situation OP, 13 year olds are like a different species, and they do not want to hear any advice from parents. I woudl relaly not wnat her to go, but not sure if stopping her is going to work.

Slupeyisinteresting · Today 03:18

capri13 · Yesterday 14:30

In sorry you're in a similar situation, I know as much as she wants to go it's not in her best interests. For a start he works from around 12-12 everyday, he will palm her off to his mum who although is fit and healthy is not her parent. Honestly if it was the best for her I would but at 13 I can't see how she can make that decision but she's unhappy here.

Show quote history

It's certainly not in mine'sbest interests either, but they are teenagers, not intetested in healthy choices. If you fight it they will only resent you and if your ex works against you,you're doomed

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