Would I be unreasonable to limit my mother-in-law's overnight stays?

[NameMyyyee3333]

sorry it’s a mil one
my Mil is moving 5 hours away drive
or would be three to four trains and probably still be 4.5 to 5 hours travel
she will still want to see us regular and will want to stay over with us (she does this with bil and sil several aunts/cousins etc and stays at least a week 7 days) 2nd guessing I’m not sure she’s always invited or for this long - but it’s obviously tolerated or enjoyed!
however I do not want her that long!! we are ok for a few hours but any more I really struggle with and we have tried in the past when she invited herself to stay a weekend that ended up being four days!! and we ended up falling out as I was like when are you going!! She does not like confrontation or not getting her own way she shouted that she was “unwanted” and then slammed the doors on the way out after saying goodbye to her son my dh and our children but not me then gave us all silent treatment for a few months that was bliss …
This all happened because I asked her “how long she was planning to stay “ baring in mind that I thought it would be a night or two and it had been 4!) and she only (currently) lives one hour away!
after that we managed to do just days -meeting up half way, day trips , visiting her etc so we could leave currently every four weeks.

although she’d always suggested family holidays and us staying over even though she doesn’t have enough room and we’d end up on living room air beds!
basically I think she’s lonely and wants to be very involved
however this doesn’t suit me and I don’t particularly like her if I’m honest (too much has happened but that’s a longer story)

however I appreciate that my opinion is not my husbands and it’s his mum and the kids should have the opportunity to know thier grandparents (even though the teens are not as keen as they once were)

so my Aibu is it unfair to say she can stay A night and any more will have to be a travel lodge or something else??? Is this mean
is there any other suggestion s people can give?
I forgot to say myself and two of our children are very very travel sick so long drives do not appeal plus I work full time term time so a weekend travelling would not be convenient

thanks

A couple of nights is fine but your hubby needs to ensure she doesn't do her normal trick and stay longer, without being invited. He needs to make that very very clear.

Why does she want to move so far away if so interested in family time? Makes no sense.

How old is she? Travelling 5 hours to stay only 2 nights is unreasonable in my opinion. Do you have a spare room? If so, and if my DH wanted to see his mum, then I would say 5-7 nights minimum. We usually have MIL for 2-3 weeks. She's mid-80s and finds travelling tiring so that length of stay gives her time to relax. We tend to visit her for a long weekend (3-hour drive).

YANBU at all, although I agree that 2 nights would be better, 1 seems a bit harsh.

The day she arrives and the day she leaves will be mostly travelling. Even three nights is really only one day with you.

Oh it’s to be near his sister and and also not far from her aunt and some cousins and her other son isn’t that far away either (I think an hour ish)
they all moved that way in the last 5 years or so and I think she’s liked it there, when staying

the place where she is currently , there’s no longer many people who are still living there and where we live there’s no other people at all who she knows other than us

sil is also going through a divorce and she wants to help her with the childcare and support she says as sil works full time

I agree with this - 1 night only rule is definitely unreasonable - if she is travelling that far she needs to be able to spend at least one full day with you as well as the day she arrives and the day she leaves. Ideally there would be at least two full days so that she can recover fully before going back - driving that far at ever increasing age is exhausting!

If she is only having one complete day with you I'd also feel it there would need to be a three-line-whip on that day so all household members report for a full day of quality granny time, no going to work/hotels/friend's houses for the day! If her stay is longer then this can be relaxed proportionately, especially for teens.

Ah, the move makes sense then. She seems quite.. dare I say thoughtful? And bonus, you don't have her around the corner anymore! Fair swap for having her stay with you for a few days a year? 😀

Sounds like she might end up quite busy supporting your SIL.
She may only be able to stay for a couple of nights, so maybe see how things go there before showing your hand?

Absolutely this. Your DH really needs to step up. What are his thoughts on the situation?

As she’s moving so far away and will be busy with other family members she probably won’t be so keen on making the trek very often. And as you are renting a cottage to see her that will probably become the norm.

I should think she'll visit you less as she'll have many more friends and family to visit where she's moving to. Esp if she's helping out her own daughter.

If she's only visiting every 3-4 months, 2 nights doesn't sound unreasonable, but here's the important thing.... it's your husband's job to confirm the exact dates in writing (email or text, whatever your mum responds to) before the plan is made. He could volunteer to book her return train ticket for her then she's got the end date fixed!

If you go to visit in the summer and stay nearby, then one of those quarterly visits won't be at your house anyway.

So you're down to 2 nights 3 times a year - that sounds doable, doesn't it???

IMO 2 nights is fine. 3 is too many

FFS. She's her husband's mother. And they can't be arsed to visit her, so she had to drive for five hours to see them. And three nights (just two full days) is too many to host her for?

NOT AIR BEDS! Go no contact immediately!

I'm now reminded of all the posts on Mumsnet about how unreasonable it is for MILs to expect their sons and DILs to always be the ones to travel to visit.

But apparently it's perfectly reasonable for OP and her family never to visit her and expect MIL to do all the journeys.

Ha ha ha! When we and our kids, and SIL and her family all turned up for the weekend at my PILs (which would be every six weeks or so) there'd be 13 of us in a three bed (one a single) semi detached house!

Cushions were taken off the sofas and chairs to make beds on the living room floor, and air beds blown up. The kids used to love it, and more often then not it'd be my PILs who would bed down with them, and insist that we younger couples (and an older auntie) had the bedrooms!

I feel for you as I get twitchy with my ILs staying at all, but MIL is really hard work and very rude.

Thank you for your comment
This all sounds very sensible and reasonable
hopefully this is what will happen
but I guess only time will tell!

Not sure where you got that from
we are planning to visit
and currently do so every fortnight or so on average never did I say we never did any visits
the worry is her trying to stay a long long time because she’s going to be be further away