How can I cope better with my 12-year-old’s mood swings?

[Thinkinaboutit]

How to be less affected by 12 year old’s mood swings?!

Please help. I’m getting to the end of my rope and I don’t want to end up saying something I regret or disconnecting emotionally but my 12 year old is driving me mad with her explosive and volatile mood swings which are related to school but exacerbated by hormones and tiredness and anxiety.

I’m doing my best to support her but I also have a toddler and a demanding job.
I’m not even sitting down to eat some
Nights as she won’t sleep due to howling and shouting about how bad her day / school / friends / teachers / life is….

Nothing I do helps. I’ve read countless books on managing teens emotions etc. I listen, I validate. I hold space. I help her think of solutions (if she wants them) she’s on my mind all the time and even when she’s in a good mood I am anxious about the next blowout.

I want to be more resident and thicker skinned as I know she’s probably only at the beginning of a tumultuous journey. But I’m feeling dizzy and achy and sick… it’s not good. I need to be strong for her.

I was never like this a teen, I suppressed everything which I know isn’t good either but I have no model or example of how to mother her through it I’m just going off instincts and parenting books.

I think you can separate supporting her with puberty transitions etc from accepting bad behaviour.

No standard 12yo should be shouting & howling when you have a toddler to put to bed. In that situation she needs firm discipline that listening to an audiobook / writing her frustration in a diary is appropriate behaviour. Not disturbing the whole house.

Social media these days has us all worried about emotional connection and gentle parenting etc, but honestly you’ll be doing her a favour to teach her that YOU have emotional boundaries too. You can be a supportive parent without accepting being a punching bag. She needs boundaries as much as airy fairy support - she needs to learn life skills to manage a balanced approach, which are often in conflict to what we see as “normal” today. Be strict with her on focussing on the basics of diet, exercise, minimal screens & good sleep hygiene and you will likely find the peace is easier to come by.

I think you need to be tougher on her. This isn’t acceptable behaviour. It’s fine to feel emotions. I have a very hormonal moody 13 year old, but she has never once howled and shouted at me while I was doing bedtime for her brother. I’ve never not been able to eat because she’s kicking off. I’d tell her to pack it in and sort herself out. It sounds to me like you are pandering to this behaviour and she’s doing it for attention (possibly because evenings are a time when you need to tend to her sibling).

If there are issues at school, then get her support at school. Make sure she’s not just spending hours on her phone (at this age, the group chats can be ruthless). Also get her busy - activities in the evening, time with friends, etc. But she needs to toughen up. It’s good to be open about our feelings; it’s not okay to be rude about them.

She’s not howling in front of her brother. She’d never do that - this is once he’s in bed and she’s in bed and she can’t get so sleep due to anxiety.

i can’t eat due to worrying about her rather than her stopping me, she cries and expresses herself privately but it’s jard
to ignore your child when they are so distressed they a close to hyperventilating….

she comes off phone at 6.30 and is in no group chats and does horse riding and rock climbing on weekends. Shes too tired after school for other activities.

I’m starting to feel now this rooted in school anxiety as for the first time she refused to go on this morning and dep head had to come to car to get her out 😔

Nothing I do helps. I’ve read countless books on managing teens emotions etc. I listen, I validate. I hold space. I help her think of solutions (if she wants them) she’s on my mind all the time and even when she’s in a good mood I am anxious about the next blowout.

Firstly, ignore the suggestion you 'get tougher' - that's not sensible advice for a child who is actively in panic.

You talk about helping her - but I think you need to reflect on what healthy parental 'help' looks like.

You can't stop her feeling bad, you can't prevent the next mood swing or anxiety episode.

Your job is to support, guide and keep her safe.

You can support her to be healthy - part of that is modelling healthy boundaries and self-care. You could try, next time, saying 'I'm just going to sit here quietly practising box breathing so I stay calm, and if you want to tell me anything I can listen. I can help you practice the breathing too if you want to try.'

How healthy is your home overall? Does your family eat well, exercise, enjoy things, laugh, watch comforting TV, do any creative activities, do yoga or meditation? If you stop trying to stop/fix it in the moment and focus energy on healthy habits, you could be in a better place in future weeks and months.

Basically, focus on the bigger picture, the longterm aim.

I should have added once someone is hyperventilating, the less you say the better - just say 'we're safe here, I've got you'.

Just wanted to offer some solidarity.
Experiencing a similar emotional rollercoaster with a daughter of the same age and it feels very painful to navigate.
Her older sister did not go through this at all, which suggests to me this is less about parenting, and more about the internal struggle of that individual child and their experience of life.
Keeping the ship steady, deciding where boundaries lie, and remaining supportive and open feels like a really difficult balancing act.

I’m sorry you’re all going through this. I’ve had a teen with lots of anxiety. Not school related, more social anxiety and body image. If you can I’d pay for some therapy. It really helped my dd and thankfully her anxiety levels have massively reduced.