Father not parenting!

[Tiredukmum]

Hi
My ex-husband is supposed to care for his children every other weekend (he was offered 50/50 at the time of divorcing but chose this arrangement) this was not a legally binding arrangement at the time of divorce (I wish I had done so but hindsight and all of that).
Over the past 2 years he has missed many weekends due to numerous holidays or when he just has the hump about something and decides to drop parenting them at the last minute. These missed weekends result in him not seeing the children for 4 weeks sometimes 6 at a time. This has become an increasingly frustrating situation for me and has impacted on my son 8 and daughter 15. My daughter no longer wants contact but my son still naturally wishes to see his father and I would never stand in the way of this. Unfortunately things have finally reached a head and resulted in a big argument whereby he is now refusing to see or pay for his children. He is a very selfish individual who likes to put himself, his sport and his partner before his own children. I feel he should not just get to walk off into the sunset like a single man (51 years old) and leave me to do all the parenting whilst also working. My question is what can I do about it? Of course with regards to maintenance I can approach the CMS as he is receiving PAYE and has a good job, this is not really my concern it is the fact that why should he not parent and be there for his children as a father should be, why should it be all the mothers job as some of the older generation seem to think, we are not living in the 70s now. Any advice would be appreciated thanks

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Frustrating as it is, there is literally nothing you, or the courts can do to force him to parent his kids.

Get onto CMS first thing. At least he can contribute financially to his kids upbringing.

It's shit op, it really is. My DC dad did the same, wanted 50/50 but dropped to every other weekend. Then started dropping weekends until he sees them maybe twice a year now. You get to take all the flak whilst the kids hold him on some sort of pedestal. Shit.

Get your money through CMS (although he still might not pay), but you can't make him see the children. It's hard, although sometimes I think it's better if they do just say 'right, that's it, I won't see them' rather than making and breaking promises every couple of weeks and screwing up any arrangements you might have made for yourself.

Mine swore he was going to take the kids. Moved away and neither saw them nor paid for them for years.

Thanks, it is really shit! Luckily my kids don’t put him on a pedestal because they can see he is not there enough for them. The whole situation is very unfair on everyone but them!

That is disgusting to do that to you and your kids and I have heard this time and time again from family and friends. My ex has an image to uphold, he would not like to be perceived as a parent who does not see his children as he was adopted himself.

I am shocked there is nothing legally you can do. Both parents should take responsibility! I know you can approach the courts for mediation and a court order and if agreed this does become legally binding. Maybe I need to shame him and go down that route but it will cost me. My son loves his dad and wants to see him it’s so unfair on him to do this!

There is no legally binding, it would simply mean YOU have to make the chikdren available in the days set by court.... he doesn't have to turn up.

This, OP. I wouldn’t bother with going to court because they can’t force someone to spend time with their kids. All it means is that you have to be available at those times, potentially disappointing your kids even more.
Definitely go through CMS though. They can deduct your maintenance payments from his wages so he has to pay for them.

Go through CMS.

it’s actually better if you don’t have a court order if he’s not bothering. As others have said court won’t force him to have his kids. But CMS go off a court order ie if you get an order saying every other weekend then he will have to pay less maintenance wether he has them or not.

System is a joke. Patriarchal bulshit

No court orders are only made against the resident parent ie you. You will have to make the children available but there is nothing to force him to have them

Thanks for the advice everyone, maybe I will resort to shaming and tarnish that image he likes to portray…….if I can find the time! xxx

A mother can choose to do the same.

Just wanted to show my support and share my rage at these absent men. Outrageous! Get your cms application in tonight OP don't waste time.
Think these fathers should be up on neglect charges myself, however society would cease to function as they're all just out there booking holidays and being successful at work aren't they x

i was pushing for 50/50 but my ex says no, fortunately he hasn’t reduced agreed contact. But he literally gets to look after his kids, babysit some may say and I get to do the actual parenting. People think the primary residential parent hold all the power when the reality is, they don’t. The ex says no, there’s nothing I can do. I can’t just drop the kids on his door step or force him to collect them from school. You have my sympathy OP, I feel your frustrations.

No point getting a court order, as has already been said, it just ties you to making them available, he doesn't have to turn up, so it gives him more control.

They still can't force him to see his kids, never mind parent them, even with a court order. All that would do is force you to make the children available for his contact time. No court is going to be able or willing to force kids to be with a parent who does not want to be with them, it's simply not in the kids' best interest. Don't waste your money - you'll get a court order but he still won't have them.

It’s just so bad and infuriating, how can you be like that with your own children! That’s how I felt when we were together, he would get the hump if I wanted to go and do something and he had to ‘babysit’ his own children. Fucking joke tbh!

Yes they should, absolute losers! I get people saying don’t bother with a court order and you can’t force them, it’s just pure anger and frustration that’s made me think of doing that but they are right and the law should be changed really, you have children you take responsibility!