Would it be insane to have a 3rd child?

[SpeedyBulletTrain]

My DH and I have always wanted and planned to have 2 children. After a very traumatic birth with my first (and a very high needs baby) we said we couldn't do it again, but when she was 3 we decided to try for a 2nd to have the two children we had always envisioned for our family.

My 2nd birth was so much better, I actually loved the experience and it really healed a lot of trauma from the labour and delivery of my first. My 2nd has also been such a chill, easy baby and I am enjoying having a baby so much more this time around. She's only 4 months old, so I appreciate I'm very new to having 2 kids and I'm sure she will have much more difficult phases in the future.

We planned that my husband would have a vasectomy ASAP after our second was born, but he has just been given his surgery date and now I am having second thoughts. I just don't feel done, and I feel so upset thinking about my 4m old being my last baby. My husband is quite set on two still but he said he doesn't want to get the vasectomy if I'm having doubts. I don't really know what to tell him. I do want another, but it isn't what we planned and I don't think its really sensible to even consider a 3rd. We just bought a 2 bedroom house and that's a squeeze as is with our current 2. We don't plan to move again for at least around 5 years, so I don't think we'd even be able to squeeze a 3rd in anyway. I love my 2 girls and feel guilty enough that they have to share me as is, would a 3rd be too unfair on them? Our firstborn has a medical condition that, though it doesn't really dominate our everyday life, does require a fair amount of hospital visits and physio appointments so would a 3rd be too much alongside that?

I feel like I want another child but there are so many reasons not to. The finality of a vasectomy is scary. My body is a mess on hormonal contraception and my husband doesn't like condoms so I feel like the vasectomy is necessary otherwise we WILL end up with another but the decision is just too big. Is it insane to consider a 3rd in these circumstances?

Stick to two, get him down for the snip asap.

Doesn’t sound like the ideal situation tbh…

A third does not seem like the best decision

after my ds2 was born I felt the same as you until he was 1 and I went back to work. After that the idea of a third was too much. I’m glad we stuck with two especially as I’m now a single parent, I feel like I am at or over capacity. I would suggest see how you feel when your youngest is 1. Your dh can always reschedule the vasectomy unless of course he is already decided on having it. Another reason we didn’t have a third was because we had a 3 bedroom house and it was important to me that all the children had the option of their own bedroom eventually, some people feel differently though. We knew we couldn’t afford a bigger house.

Why not have a third? The housing isn't ideal sure, but will you be able to move to a bigger house by the time you need the space? If you're good parents, financially stable, and want a third it's not selfish to have one.

It sounds like a bad idea. What if your third child also has a medical condition? Could you handle balancing the needs of two kids with regular hospital appointments to attend? Also , how old are you? If you're close to 40 I'd say no to another kid , perimenopause changes everything for some people. I speak from experience.

You don’t need to decide now, your baby is only 4 months old. Delay the vasectomy until you’re sure and use alternative contraception in the meantime.

Also to add mumsnet is really anti 3 kids. I say this as someone currently pregnant with their 3rd, so I'm biased too. Just because someone else wouldn't be able to handle 3 kids, doesn't mean you wouldn't be able to handle them. Only you know your finances, emotional state and other life demands.

The only reason we don't want to move to a bigger house any time soon is because I'm a SAHM. We can afford to live here quite comfortably on my husbands income but if we want a bigger house I would have to go back to work, at least part time. I don't want to put my LOs in childcare until 2yo minimum. Once I'm back at work we could move into at least a 3 bed, possibly somewhere bigger if we move out of our current (very expensive) area.

Get a copper coil - it’s non-hormonal and lasts for 10 years, fertility returns to normal as soon as it’s removed - and take a bit longer before deciding.

There is a chance that my firstborns condition is genetic, so that is a possibility. We are waiting for genetics results to come back. I don't think I would have another if it is confirmed as genetic. I'm only 31.

Yes, a possibility. I do have very heavy periods though and I have heard that the copper coil can make them worse? I also have a bleeding disorder so I'd probably need to discuss it with my consultant.

@SpeedyBulletTrain I hope you get the results you're hoping for soon op. I can empathise , it's a difficult position to be in.

A mirena coil releases only a small amount of hormone (don't usually get the same side effects as e.g. the pill), reduces most people's period bleeding and would give you long term contracption. Can also be removed at any time if it doesn't suit you.