Still grieving my old life one year into motherhood 😔

[ColourfulCaterpillar]

I feel so ashamed and embarrassed opening up about this. 1 year in and I thought I'd be in a better place. But I'm really struggling. Before anyone kindly asks, I've been to the gp and its not PND. I think it's genuinely just grief for my old life. 😔

I try not to let my LO see me upset if I can help it because I dont want them to ever think they make me unhappy. Doesn't always happen, but I'm trying. I love my baby very much. But the life that comes with it...well, I definitely dont love.

Before my baby was born I had such freedom and my husband and I we're really spontaneous and loved life together. But it still just feels like an endless stream of tag teaming and I miss our own time together so badly. My family help out here and there and have my LO for a couple of hours once a week. But other than that, we dont get much of a break.

Surely it's not normal to still feel this way a year down the line? I really want to just lean into it and try to enjoy it, but I'm finding it so hard to. I'm always trying to be the best mum for my baby, lots of cuddles, play, we spend lots of time together. I am grateful for the sweet, lovely child I have. But also wish I could go back to how things were. I'm so ashamed..😔 please tell me this will go away.

I still very much felt this way a year in. I had PND as well.

First I want you to know there’s no shame in feeling this way. You can love your baby and what that brings but miss the freedoms of your old life. Both feelings can very much coexist.

I just want you to know it does get better. DD is now 4 and DH and I both feel we have a good chunk of our life back and we are in a very happy place. It’s not quite the same of course, but it’s a lot more like our old life and the things that have changed are much more enjoyable with a kid who chats/has a great sense of humour/is fun to be around.

1 year olds are still very much all consuming. They’re reliant on you so much and this limits a lot of things. But when they get chattier, more mobile, more independent, it gets a lot easier and better.

DH and I have both managed to resume hobbies we get unable to when dd was 1, we’re seeing more of friends and just generally have more energy to be proactive with these things.

The feeling will go 💕 and I honestly believe that accepting that this is a phase of your life that will pass and there’s no shame in missing your old life helps make accepting the changes easier.

Sounds like your getting a decent bit of a break if family help every week?

I'm so sorry to read this OP, you have nothing to feel ashamed about. I can't say I had the same extent of feeling as you but certainly I found the first year particularly hard. I will say that when they start walking & talking I started to enjoy it more. As they grow you change, they change & your relationship grows all the time. You get more freedom back as they get older & that helps so much. It won't always be like this.

It's ok to miss your old life.

Hang on in there. And be kind to yourself.

@ColourfulCaterpillar threads like this come up all the time.
I'm honestly bemused by what people think will happen when they have a child.
It's probably the most fundamental life change possible yet people hanker after their pre baby life.
I see as choosing a lifetime job without the option to resign. It isn't compulsory.

What ended this for me was returning to work after maternity leave (which I hated), as my life proceeded exactly as before professionally, which contextualised the changes of parenthood, and meant I wasn't spending all my time with my baby. I think very few people find that in any way fulfilling.

Your OP suggests you aren't working? If so, I'd get back to work immediately. It really made parenthood fall into place for me, and I enjoyed my time with my baby far more.

I think this is normal . You are still very new to parenthood. I honestly think it takes years to fully integrate being a parenthood.

i think i also needed my child to be an actual child rather than a baby or a toddler. With personality and connection to other beyond me. Otherwise it can feel so onerous !

I don't mean to be discompassionate but I lost my partner and unborn baby 3 years ago and would literally do anything to change places with you. Not trying to be a c* I just hope this puts things into perspective. Hugs and love OP xxxx

Ground-breaking.

I understand, it’s a huge life change and once you have a baby you’re a parent and your whole life revolves around your child. Do you have friends with babies?

OP, I hear you. It’s relentless, but it will get better. I like to think: some people love the newborn stage and hate the teenage years or vice versa or whatever other combo. It’s not normal to love every second of it - why would you? Humans are “selfish” and prefer flexibility. It’s hard not having the village, but I would say you’re out of the worst of the “this potato is 100% reliant upon me for everything” stage.

I actually think it’s really normal to feel like this. I think of my life in two parts the old Anna, and the new Anna. Before children my life was full of fun, had loads of disposable income, so much freedom and was thriving in my career. I had no idea how much my life would change. It’s taken me years to adapt.

It’s so, so normal! Feeling like this doesn’t take from how great a mum you’re being. It’s ok to be conflicted.

Sometimes I lay in bed imagining where I’d change my life if I had one shot in a Time Machine. My dc don’t always survive!!!! I love the bones of them, but I’m a real person with thoughts, dreams and what if’s? I’m not defined by motherhood - shaped by it, yes. But it’s not my be all and end all. And it wouldn’t be good for my dc if I was.

Feel your feelings op. There’s no need to attach guilt or shame to them.

Can you afford a child minder or nursery? I put my DS in with a childminder two days a week once he was 9 months old, I needed some non mum time as I was going stir crazy. Would this be enough? It is tough, are at home date nights a possibility or is it the fact that being spontaneous is much harder now?

I did not enjoy my maternity leave even with very easy DT’s. I was bored - hated baby groups. Other than having similar aged babies we had little in common and I didn’t want to spend all my time discussing milestones, sleep patterns, weaning etc - boring.
Luckily I’d always planned on returning to full time work when DT’s were six months. We had a brilliant nursery with two of the staff becoming our weekly baby sitters. I loved DT’s to bits but loved going back to work and DH and I being able to go out alone each Friday night. We didn’t have any family in the UK but when they visited they were more than happy to look after the DT’s and DH and I could have more free time. It kept me sane!

Life doesn’t have to solely revolve around your DC’s.

Oh OP. It is so normal I promise. Some people absolutely love parenthood (my sister) and others don't (me).

It is definitely true that it gets better and you adjust to your new normal. My child is almost 8 and we have some really good times but I think he was about 4 before I started to find aspects of being a mum enjoyable.

I went back to work full time when he was 4 months old and then I was furloughed in lockdown with a 20 month old, just us. It was truly horrendous and I don't know how I got through it.

If you aren't working I would consider going back/getting a job. It gives you back some of yourself and really helps. I also paid for nursery in furlough (when they reopened) just so I could get space to breathe.

I agree that it’s perfectly normal to feel this way, because your life has changed irrevocably. Obviously as your child grows older, you’ll get more freedom back, but it won’t go back to how it was before. Like a previous poster, my life is split into before parenthood and parenthood, because it was a huge change.

I also think it’s harder for parents now, especially mums. You’re expected to ‘get your life back’ after having a baby, but at the same time you’re expected to devote yourself to your baby in ways that our mums wouldn’t have been, like the idea that you can’t have a shower/ go to the toilet in case your baby starts to cry and you can’t soothe them straight away. Meanwhile there’s my MIL telling me that the health visitor told her to put the baby in the pram in the garden if he was being fussy while you needed to cook dinner for your husband (this was mid-70s when DH was a baby). No one would say that now!

I also think that it’s tough around the 1 year mark. If you’re going back to work, it’s probably around now so you’re dealing with all that stress. If you’re staying at home, the novelty is probably wearing off a bit and you’re at that tricky stage where the baby is mobile but doesn’t have the understanding that an older toddler would have (even if they might not obey you).

This too shall pass. I wasn’t a fan of the baby / toddler stage either whereas I know some people love it but I promise you it gets better and better as they gain more independence. I have older teens now and can say I have absolutely loved parenthood from probably about the age of five upwards. You can’t see it now and everything just feels like a drudge, I remember feeling as if I just endlessly made food and wiped things for a long time but it’s just a few short years. You and DH will come through this and end up stronger for it, raising your own little family.

Thank you for all the supportive replies. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I didn't realise how intense it can be.
@Losingtheplot2016 onerous is exactly how it feels. And I feel like my nervous system hasn't rested for ages.

It's so good to hear those of you who felt similar felt so much better eventually. Thank you 💕

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how hard this must be x

Yea the baby and toddler stage is brutal at the time. I remember doing a lot of crying as I walked up and down the kitchen at 3am trying to get the baby to sleep.

Mine are tweens now and they’re good fun, it does get easier. I wouldn’t be without them. We do loads of fun stuff together and they are so funny.

…and now I spend many an evening looking through their baby pics after they’ve gone to bed 😭

Once they get to about 2 and are an actual wee pal you have fun with, rather than making fun for them, it's a million times better. Still relentless until they're able to dress and toilet themselves but so much easier when you are beginning to reap the rewards and it's not just giving all the time.

2 or 21/2 is when it got more interesting and less awful for me. The first 2 years of DS's life were the worst years of my whole life tbh. After that I enjoyed pretty much all of it thankfully and he's now an adult.

You sound like a cowardly keyboard warrior. As if you'd have the balls to say that in front of other people to someone so upset.

I found the baby and toddler years so dull. I loved my DS so much but dreaded playing the same pretend games again and again.

Now they are older it's so much more fun. They are real people with personalities and crazy conversation. Even if a little football heavy.

Things that I found helped were getting out of the house each day. Even if just a walk in the park until DS went to sleep and I could have a sneaky coffee while they snoozed. We also continued to try and get out and about and go and see places. We used a pram and a sling and just let DS nap on the go.