Hello, I apologise beforehand for this long post. I don’t have anyone in real life I can talk to and I am feeling broken. I have two children, my son is nearly 22 and my daughter is nearly 14. Both live with me. I am a single parent and work full time.
My son’s dad died some years ago from a drug overdose and neither he nor his family were involved in my son’s life. I was 15 and he was 31 when we met and he was the first person to ever make me feel loved. I lived in a small town where everyone knew each other and although I recognise now that I was groomed, back then i was gossiped about and called derogatory names.
I was raised by my Nan, who was physically and emotionally abusive to me. I was born out of a one night stand and my mum never wanted me. She had other children and was in prison or refuge, she would put men first. When I was 20, my son was born and I realised that his dad would never stop taking the heroin so I ended things with him. I moved to a council house with my son and struggled to cope, I became unwell with postnatal psychosis and my Nan had to help me care for my son. I started working as a carer and became better in time but developed OCD presenting itself in obsessive cleaning and anxiety if things were not perfect.
When my son was aged 8 years, I met my ex-partner and we had our daughter. He was physically and sexually abusive to me and I fled to a refuge with the children in 2013, moving around refuges and supported accommodation for the following year. They were on the Child Protection register due to the abuse and my poor mental health, and I was going through the Family Court system as my ex-partner wanted full care of our daughter, stating that I was mentally unstable. After 11 months, he was granted EOW contact, the children were de-registered and we were given a social housing property in a wonderful area in a new county where I knew no one. I’d have to travel with the children by buses to hand my daughter over for contact with her dad. Some days, her dad would be drunk or wouldn’t even turn up. Other times, months would go by without contact but she has always adored him and I always had to contact him and ask him to see her.
When he was 14, my son decided to go back to live with my Nan (his great Nan) as he missed his old friends. As heartbreaking as it was, I wanted him to be happy and so for the next 7 years, we lived in different counties. I couldn’t move back as my ex lived in the same small town as my family (and son) so we had daily phone contact and I’d see him after dropping my daughter off. I decided to focus on making a better life for the children and enrolled at University. I passed my BSc, MA and then passed my driving test before getting a good job in domestic abuse, working my way up to a Senior role.
At the same time, I was struggling with my daughter - I have always found it difficult and exhausting to care for her; she hardly slept as a baby, would be on the go all day, very whingey, then as she became primary school age she was feisty and determined. There were always issues in school with other children or she would be anxious in the morning. She would bully children and when she went to secondary school, she was jumped on by other girls. She was always in trouble with teachers and moved around schools as she was so unhappy, going through a period of no school for weeks or only a day here and there. Her dad would say she was always a good girl at his and the behaviour was my fault. I raised concerns with teachers only for them to suggest that the previous domestic abuse or my mental health was the cause for her behaviour. I was referred to parenting courses, family support groups, social services, CAMHS. I felt as if no one believed me. She would present as bright and shy at school but would hit or kick me and our dog at home, punch doors, throw things, break glass. She would self harm, make herself sick after eating.
I called 999 after she threatened to harm herself with a knife and the police and paramedics sent referrals to social services - not once did I hear anything back from any professional. I felt as if I had failed as a mum. Even with a stressful job and high case load, my work has always felt like a holiday compared to raising my daughter alone at home. After coming across an article on neurodiversity in girls, I paid £2000 for a private assessment and she was diagnosed with ADHD and Autism recently.
In November, my son asked if he could come home. I was over the moon and naively thought everything would be roses. It has in fact, been traumatic. He was very thin, having been on drugs, lost his girlfriend and lost his job. He was gambling and would sleep all day then drink cans of lager all night. He would eat multi packs of crisps, or the “safe foods” my daughter had saved which caused upset, he would open food and waste it. He wouldn’t help around the house, complained if I asked him to walk the dog. He was on Tinder and I would wake to find women in my home in the early hours of the morning. He would steal money, and he was very low in his moods. I was having to apply for food parcels until my wages came, just to tide us over.
He then joined a local kick-boxing group which has changed his life, he found work through one of the guys there and he trains most evenings after work now. He is on Gamstop and does not drink. He is eating well and looks so much better. He is also learning about my daughter’s triggers and anxieties, and is getting better at being patient with her although not perfect. She is now hyper focusing on the gym and running, which they do together and is good for her moods but I have to monitor this as she is losing a lot of weight quickly.
She is now at her 4th school and is happy here. I collect her from netball on a Monday at her school which is out of catchment area. Then I come home and have to drop him off at kick-boxing, drive home and then go back to collect him, finally coming home around 9.30pm. From Tuesday to Friday, I take her to the gym as well as him to and from kickboxing. I wake him 6am for work and make his breakfast and packed lunch - if I don’t, he won’t eat. Then I care for the pets and my daughter before I start work. I cook tea then walk the dog, do the housework, feed cats, laundry. Then I’m driving them round all evening.
I am so tired, I recently was on sick leave from work as I had awful fatigue. I gave my son my bedroom and now sleep on a single bed in the box room. Neither child helps me around the house, I ask directly, shout, hint - nothing.
My daughter went to the gym this evening in shorts as it’s been warm. I looked forward to a hot bath and as soon as I sat in the water she began texting me to say she felt uncomfortable in the gym and wanted her leggings. She wanted me to drive to her (only 10 mins away) with some pants for her and because I said no, I was in the bath, she gave me a barrage of abuse swearing and accusing me of favouring her brother. I had to get out of the bath and go to her but she has sent me numerous texts swearing at me because she was embarrassed in her shorts. She cannot take accountability. She has cried all night.
On Sunday, I picked her up from her dads (60 mile trip) and asked for her washing to out a load on. At 10pm she begins crying and demanding I wash her bra as she can only wear a certain one. She cannot take “no” for an answer. She hides used sanitary wear in drawers, puts chewing gum out on carpets, throws rubbish and dishes under her bed. I cook different meals as she won’t eat what I make or will make herself sick. She tells me that she hates living with me as she doesn’t know what mood I will be in. She doesn’t realise I am constantly on egg shells trying to avoid her having a meltdown. If I don’t do what she asks, she swears at me and calls me fat, a bad mum, ugly. She says I have no friends.
My son expects me to take him everywhere but he does nothing to help around the house. I recently had to take sick leave from work as I was burnt out but work is actually a break for me. I have no support. He would say i was able to
take him places in the car as I was off sick and didn’t have to work. I have binge eaten over the years as food is my only comfort and now I weigh 16 stone. Both children make remarks on my weight and say they are embarrassed of me. They spill things on the carpet, scratch their names into the wallpaper, leave a mess everywhere.
When I am feeling low, I dream of having a little flat for myself where everything is pink and cream, spotlessly clean and I can enjoy reading books in peace!