How can I support my nine-year-old with weight and eating issues?

[geordiegirl55]

Hi I’m in need of some good advice/tips on how to tackle this. I have 3 DD’s (13, 11 and 9). DD1 and DD2 (11 and 13) are both slim and have no issues around food/portions. DD3, 9 is very overweight and for the past two years I have been struggling to help her lose weight.

DD3 started gaining weight when she was 7, in year 2. At first I had put it down to hormones etc. Peers in her class would call her fat, call her chubby and make fun of her double chin. I tried to tackle this back then, by cutting down on portions, no junk food in the house like biscuits and crisps and my older two DD were really understanding. The only issue around that was that DD3 would then be at school, finish her friends’ school dinners off as well as hers, and would always come home complaining she is hungry. This has continued for two years now. I have continually made subtle attempts to get her moving by taking my girls swimming once a week, walking to school and back and also incorporate garden based games some evenings. DD1 and DD2 both love these whereas DD3 is not interested and would much prefer to spend time in her room playing. DD3 also spends time at her dad’s house every over weekend. Her dad will order takeaway both nights she is there. He also gives her £5 pocket money a week and this will go on sweets and chocolate. DD1 and DD2 have set snack baskets in their bedrooms so they are able to enjoy chocolate and sweets etc but DD3 has been caught several times in their bedrooms eating ridiculous amounts of items from their snack baskets. She has also been made to pay her sisters from her pocket money if she has stolen from their baskets.

Recently, we moved house and as a result of this, we have had to move all of the girls to different schools. I took DD3 uniform shopping, and was shocked. August last year when we last went uniform shopping, she was fitting in an age 12-13 but needed trousers turning up etc. when I took her this time, she couldn’t fit into 12-13 and now has to wear uniforms designed for a 14/15 year old. I’m not sure how much she weighs as she point blank refuses to get on the scales but she has a double chin, she has rolls of fat on her arms and stomach, and it’s not firm fat, it’s very jiggly. The weight has never gone down either, it’s just continuing to increase despite my best efforts.

Along with the weight issues, there are also behavioural problems here too. Her outbursts can be very over the top. These outbursts are usually linked to unkind comments made by peers, not being allowed more food on top of a meal or if she needs new clothes/clothes shopping. She has also gotten into a habit of constantly asking people at mealtimes if she can have any leftovers.

She also has to deal with daily comments from peers and even family members about her weight. My sister visited earlier in the month, had brought round some lovely cake for us to share. She then said right in front of DD3 ‘this is for your mum and DD1 and DD2 because you are very heavy as it is’. DD3 responded by saying it was only going to be one slice. My sister said ‘that is the attitude that makes people fat’. I was very frustrated with my sister.

I am just at the end of my tether on trying to tackle this. I also want to support DD3 as well. Any suggestions/advice would be massively appreciated!

Have you taken her to the doctor?
It might be a good idea for an exam/rule out any issues and discuss weight with doctor over the phone/away from your child. Also, chat privately with her dad about it.

I first took her to the doctor about 3 months after I noticed she was putting on weight. They told me it was nothing to worry about and that she would grow out of it. I wasn’t satisfied with this response, however waited another couple of months to see if there was any difference. She was getting visibly bigger so I decided to take her back again. The second doctor told me it was slow metabolism which I also wasn’t satisfied with either. The third doctor referred her for blood tests, scans, almost everything you could think of and it has been confirmed there are no health conditions.

Her weight continued to increase and I attempted took her to the doctor again just after she turned 9, which was back in mid January. This was the last time she willingly let anyone weigh or measure her. I had explained the issues around her eating, her self esteem and her behaviour. The doctor who we saw was very firm and very much described to DD3 how she needs to make better choices with food, and needs to do more physical activity. DD3 left the doctors surgery saying she hated the doctor and that he doesn’t help people, he only makes people hate their bodies. To add, DD3 is neurotypical, we have had all relevant tests done.

Her dad is not of any help. He is morbidly obese and has been all of his adult life. I’ve had multiple conversations with him around DD3’s weight and he believes that she doesn’t need to eat healthy and can eat what she wants at his because he doesn’t get to see her as much as I do. He also believes that DD3 is fine the way she is because she is built like him.

I do agree with speaking to a doctor either privately or alone. I’m unsure whether to be focusing on the weight loss or her behaviours/self esteem. She is very overweight and her overeating is an issue but I also feel like I need to work on her self esteem.

Do you like her? The way you’ve written this up sounds sinister.
Maybe your dislike for her father, transfers to your feelings for your dd.
Does she enjoy sports or any physically activities.

Don’t be ridiculous. OP is trying to prevent future problems for her DD. It’s a parents job to get on top of weight issues.

Seriously? It sounds like a concerned mother to me who is trying her best to get help from medical professionals then posting on here for advice.

I was bullied at school for being overweight and constantly compared to my slimmer sister by family members and friends which really hurt and I’m glad my mum didn’t just ignore my weight to be kind and helped me lose it.

I was fat with a double chin and tummy rolls until I started my period very early just before my ninth birthday.
I was showing signs of puberty at seven but as soon as I started my period I slimmed right down to a healthy weight.

I think OP’s daughter clearly has food and self esteem issues and could be comfort eating due to her feelings about her body and getting into a negative spiral.

Can you get her into cooking healthy meals with you OP? Maybe get a fitness tracker to help with interest in exercising or a sport or hobby like dance or a trampoline and family walks to move more and try to make the focus about having fun and not about her weight.

Can you speak to your daughters dad about her weight again and explain she’s not happy about it and being bullied and it would help her if you were all on the same page?
Failing that can you get a professional to speak to him and how he’s making the situation worse?

I hope you find some help because I feel so sad for your daughter and hope she can work on self acceptance and finding a way to lose weight and stay healthy doing things that she enjoys.

How’s your relationship with her dad? It’s hard when you’re not on the same page but if you think he would co-operate you could suggest some alternatives for when she’s there.
If he isn’t great at cooking a meal box like Hello Fresh or Gousto is a good alternative - it’s a similar cost to takeaway and they could cook together and look at the nutrition info.
With the pocket money, would a ‘save half, spend half’ approach work so she could save up for something she would like as an alternative to snacks?

Just ideas. I know it’s difficult when your parenting styles are different.