2 under 2 - please tell me it gets easier.

[Stardust127]

I have an 8 week old and a nearly 2 year old.

my 8 week old cries constantly when she’s awake. She has a very small window in the day where she seems happy. She doesn’t have reflux, colic, or any allergies. She feeds well and often (EBF) and gets enough milk. She does not sleep in the day really, at all. When she does it is light sleep, she’s always fussing and tossing and turning. When she’s held it’s the same. At night she can manage 3-4 hour stretches which isn’t too bad but even then it’s light sleep. She must be exhausted. My toddler wakes her up just with general chatting and playing but I can’t keep them in separate rooms (baby would have to be upstairs and half the problem is she loses her dummy 10
times an hour and I can’t be constantly up and down).

I have spent the past couple of days barely holding it together and have cried (away from the children) a lot. I’m seriously struggling. DH is great but working so it’s just me on my own in the day. He finishes work, we cook and eat, clean up, have half hour or so of free time with the kids and then he takes our toddler to bed and stays in bed because we take it in turns with baby in the night (bottle of expressed milk) . It’s all so miserable.

i think I really just need some emotional support. Literally all of my friends I can’t talk to because they’re also pregnant and will have 2 under 2 and don’t want to fill them with dread. I just really need to know (if) this gets better.

thank you for reading x

It gets better...hang on in there (had 15 months between my first two and four under 7 at one point!!).

Do you have a Home Start local to you - may be worth seeing if you can get a weekly volunteer visit (if you think it would help!)? They could entertain the toddler whilst you concentrate on the baby or vice versa....

It gets better, I promise. There’s a bit when you are in the trenches & everyday feels like groundhog day and you wonder what possessed you to have a second. Keep trucking. Ask for help if you need it. This will pass. Hugs.

Yes, it gets easier.

Be kind to yourself.

There is no exam to pass here - at the end of each day, if everyone is alive and the kids are OK, you have done great. Do not pressure yourself to enjoy this time. There will be many many years ahead for magical experiences as a family.

Most 2 year olds are too young to understand or appreciate a sibling. Don't feel stressed if your eldest doesn't love their sibling (yet). Mine spent the first 2 years of his brother's life saying 'baby go home' and 'bye baby'. Occasionally 'kick baby'. They are the best of friends now.

With two under two - standards out the window. My house was a MESS. Husband had to do a lot more than he had with first but it was a survival situation. If you can afford to, pay for help. There are still some old school launderettes in many places where they do a service wash of laundry for like £20 for a huge machine full. Get your partner to drop down bin liners full of whatever needs washing and pick it up clean and laundered.

Co-opt friends and family to help with your eldest. Nursery if you can afford it.

Going back to the kindness and pressure point? Looking back now, the first 2.5 years of my youngest's life (16 month age gap) were the worst of my life. There are 20 months between my sibling and I and in their old age my own parents have admitted the same. It was hell. But once my kids were 4/5 and realized they adored each other, it's been magic as hell. They play together for hours. They are cool and fun and funny and make me laugh and make each other laugh. I promise you. It gets better. If it were like this forever the human race would die out. People who love this stage are absolutely in the minority.

You will get through it. The days will feel like years but you will get through.

Also - I think you should absolutely tell your friends. Firstly to let them help and support you. Also who mandated this stupid rule that women have to pretend to one another that we are perfect and coping and it's easy and manageable when it's NOT? It's not an instagram-perfect montage of gorgeous babies, perfect homes and cherubic toddlers. Ballerina Farm isn't real, people!

The reason people like you, and me, and everyone, find it so hard is because we went in with insane expectations that we should somehow find it easy. We should look great, love every minute, get into a routine... it's nonsense. I WISH my friends had just been more honest about how hard and lonely and stressful and boring and exhausting it all is. I would have still had kids. I'd have loved them as much. But at least I'd have been prepared for what I was going into!

Yeah it does get better. You have some graft ahead of you, but eventually 1 and 3 is going to be easier than 0 and 2. 2 and 4 is easier still... And so on. It gets less physically demanding, definitely.

And as others said, DEFINITELY talk to your friends. Adult friends, exchanging notes, ideas and humour with other people who are in the same place as you, is what keeps you going.

It feels like it lasts forever while you're in the baby/toddler stage, but it actually passes very quickly (unless you have more!!)

Mine are at the nest leaving stage now. In hindsight the baby/toddler bit went quickly but at the time it felt like it went on for ages.

It does get easier, lulls you into a false sense of security… brace yourself for the teenage years!

Get a sling / wrap for baby it saved me. You can constantly be patting and rocking to keep a light sleeper asleep and your hands are free to tackle the toddler. Get out rhe house every day if you can manage it for everyone sake. Local groups (church ones are a blessing) with other mums in the same boat who are happy to help out are great. I found some comfort in seeing i wasnt the only bedraggled looking mum woih a feral toddler and baby squashed in a sling. Parks are good as well now the weather is better, plenty of chance to bob about keeping baby happy in their sling and crying (from anyone) never sounds as bad to me put doors.

As everyone else said it will get better especially when you find a groove. Good luck, be kind to yourself and lower your standards to being pround that everyone is still alive and fed at the end of the day ❤️

Will your little one be happy in a sling? I have three, with 20 and 22 month age gaps, and both of the younger ones lived in a sling for months! I absolutely agree about lowering standards - a couple of months of too much CBeebies and the same dinner for days in a row won’t do any long term harm. I also found getting out as much as possible great for keeping the kids happy and for keeping me sane, especially now the weather is nice.

And it really does get better! My oldest two are 3 and 4 now, and the absolute best of friends, it’s utterly wonderful and brings me so much joy to see. The trenches were totally worth it - but it was definitely tough 💜 be kind to yourself and remember it changes so quickly when they’re this little, in a month it’ll feel so different xx

It gets a million times easier. I had four kids within 5 years. It was hectic and tiring but I love the fact that my kids were close in age. It made everything so much easier as they got older although we ended up with all four at uni at the same time so that was fun . My kids are late 20s and early 30’s and are close to each other. I am sure the fact they are so close is partly to do with the fact they are close in age.

Sending you such a big hug.

If it helps, I think you’re at the very toughest stage! I have three, with 22 month gaps between first two and second two. The youngest turned one last week. Without a doubt, the hardest bit of parenting for me was when I first became outnumbered when baby 2 was born, and the initial few weeks of getting through on adrenaline had kind of worn off.

Have you got a sling? Baby 2 spent a lot of time in there and bay three essentially lives in it. It’s my most essential piece of kit.

Beyond that - ask for help, lower standards, give yourself as much grace as possible.

Adding a third baby was nowhere near as tough as adding the second. My big ones are now 4 and 2 and they are best friends and playmates and I’m so pleased we had that age gap.

I was in your position 8 weeks ago. Both times I found that between weeks 6-8 were the most difficult. Once your baby reaches the three month mark things should get easier, hang in there.