Urgent advice needed

[SameOldMe]

School have just called to say my 13 yr old daughter has been messaging a 22 year old man who she is planning on meeting tonight.
Obviously I’m going to have to approach her but I’m worried about how - she has a tendency to kick off and I don’t want to aggravate things and push her into secrecy. She is incredibly vulnerable and oblivious to what this man wants. She is a size 8 with large boobs so looks older than what she is. Need advice on how to talk to her. I don’t want her to then run off or not tell anyone. Please help

Could school help with the difficult conversation?

Yes they have approached her and she’s denied everything

Was wondering what the school are doing / have done / how has it gone? They are surely not just throwing it over the wall to (just) you?

Does your 13YO DD go out at night often when you don't know where she is going? That is also an issue that needs addressing. One thing at a time though -- did you have any idea this was going on? Presumably school are talking to her so you could start with "school rang me today ... to tell me they had a word with you. what happened?" and take it from there.

Mostly, LISTEN FIRST.

What is your relationship with her like most of the time? Makes a huge difference to how this is going to pan out.

How do they know?

A close school friend had spoken to her pastoral as they are worried about her plan to meet on her own

I would ask if someone from the schools pastoral team could sit and chat with you I think.

There is a chance that actually she has just lied to a friend to sound “cool” and the friend has reported it, obviously lying isn’t okay either but it’s a possibility?

Do you think it’s possible? Have you seen anything to suggest this on her phone?

What would you (as a family) normally do on a Tuesday night? Can you surprise her with a trip to the cinema / a.n.other thing? Do you know the detail of where / how they have been messaging your DC? Do you have any evidence (other than hearsay)? The biggest issue here is your relationships with her though: what is it like normally? Can you talk about stuff?

More than your daughters actions is there anyway of getting information about the man also?

She's had too much freedom, OP, if she's able to chat to 22 year old men online. Assuming she's not making this up.

You are the parent here and need to put much tighter controls in place on her social media/internet use. She needs to show you her phone and if she won't she has it taken off her until she does. I wouldn't tiptoe around this - this is horribly serious and she could have ended up in a situation tonight that she was nowhere ready to cope with emotionally or physically. You've said she's vulnerable - so you need to step into protector mode. All girls this age kick off but it's not a way to get round you and never should be.

She doesn’t usually go out, she has autism and adhd and struggles socially. I find it very hard to talk with her as she is very reactive and her needs are complex. She has her own phone which i want to now remove, however i do want to push her further into secrecy.

I think your right and she most definitely been given too much freedom with her phone

Op could you put controls on the phone so she can't use social media so much?? I'm assuming she's talking to this older person via social media? WhatsApp or whatever she uses!

Is it possible this isn't true at all? If she doesn't usually go out and has ADHD and ASD ... maybe this is all fake news?

Genuinely, think you need to find out more before taking action / leaping to assumptions (whilst also obviously safeguarding so she doesn't go out and finding out if you need to put more safeguards in place around her phone.)

I know someone who took a phone of their kid and the kid got a "night phone" that the parents didn't know about, which was worse IMO.

No evidence yet and she might be lying to her friends it’s not clear yet, but for the school to call makes me feel like they must believe it’s true. I’ve never had the school call before like this

To be fair the school would have to call if they have been told this kind of info with or without actual evidence. Safeguarding procedures mean they have to assume it is true rather than query it first.

She was jumped and beaten up before by some girls she thought were freinds, she’s not able to tell if anyone is genuine or not. But the outside she does appear ‘normal’. She also has a tendency to bolt when she is angered or overwhelmed and actually did run off a few weeks ago and hid under my car, literally crawled under it.

So the "friend" who reported it to pastoral could be shit stirring? (And by that I mean just making shit up to get your DD into trouble.)

Can’t you check her phone now while she’s at school?

shes got it on her - our secondary allow phones during breaks

She’s kicked off at school I’m going to collect her now 😢

I'd go with what someone else suggested, id start with school called today and can you tell me what's this about. And listen. Try to keep it calm. Reassure her that she's not in trouble that you and school are concerned about safety. Not that you don't trust her but that you can't always trust men(persons) that you don't know. Make sure you have this conversation in a safe place.

Regarding the phone discuss with her whether it may be good idea to restrict it a little bit (again phrase it as for safety for her.

I use an app on my phone that links to my daughter's phone called 'Family Link'. The app once installed on both phones allows you to see all her screen time and locations and apps age is using. It allows you to block certain apps and websites. It allows you to set screen time limits, closes phone down at bedtime etc. they have to get approval from you to download anything etc. it's brilliant and makes the app the 'bad guy' and not me!

hate to be that person but I agree, how at 13 can a child have so much freedoms that they’re able to make plans to meet anyone let alone someone more than ten years older.

this is why men (and some women) are able to prey on children due to lack of parenting and support system.

absolutely sickening to think any 22 year old would want to me a child irrespective of her physical appearance.

I wouldn’t be worried about the child kicking off, I’d be reading the riot act, reducing social media and communication channels and knowing the child’s whereabouts before and after school.

Reading the riot act to the 22 year old and possibility of involving police.

In fairness and I don’t know what OP does or doesn’t do in terms of checking phones etc, but teens can be really sneaky with hiding things.

Snapchat as an example, messages disappear, you can change someone’s name so mum could check and just see “Carly” and no messages when actually that is 22 year old Dave. Even Whatsapp has the disappearing messages feature. There are forums/chat rooms (not sure what you would call them) but where people male & female post their usernames for chatting/meeting up, even parental controls on wifi wouldn’t always restrict these because they are not inherently adult sites.

No phones in bedrooms is a good solid rule though and is what I’ll be doing when mine are old enough to have phones. From 7pm phones are downstairs and locked away until morning etc.

And there’s no way of knowing 22 year old knows he is talking to a 13 year old, she may have pretended to be older in messages/photos especially if she looks older. If nothing else in the current days with the hunter groups on fb etc I would hope not many people would happily chat to and agree to meet children.

A good idea to know where children are but honestly I don’t know many teens who always knew exactly where they were and who with truthfully, I know I told my mum I was with a friend at one place when actually I was at another. I suppose now with find my friend available it would be harder to lie but if she disables that on her phone…

I think it is hard to win honestly. I feel sorry for my mum when we were teens now thinking back and I know it will be hard when mine are that age. You push too hard and they rebel, you don’t push enough and they go too far, it’s a fine line.

She denied everything, checked her phone and no evidence now but it’s possible she could have deleted or hid. She also has a school ipad that they do homework on so its hard to restrict everything. She’s in her room now and not asked to go out. I was a terror as a teen so maybe its come around now.