6 weeks holidays drama!

[sodoffbeforemycupofcoff]

The dreaded 6 weeks holidays are coming up. As a SM it is of course my responsibility to sort out child care while working full time, apparently. My DD really dislikes any form of holiday club as she is shy and feels uncomfortable in new/unfamiliar surroundings. I am trying to avoid putting her into this camp at all costs. It is going to have to happen at some point. I asked her dad to take some time off (he has a new baby due around then) I asked that he has my DD for the 2 weeks he is assumingly having off when his GF gives birth). He said he would consider it but she will need to go int camp as “he can’t have 3 weeks off work missing out on a months pay” (self employed). I said the 2 weeks he has off with baby will be a huge help. No further arrangements made from him. Just a “we will see”. It’s always me sorting school pick ups except the day his GF grabs her which is once a week which I appreciate (from her!). It just seems work comes first and DD comes after that. It’s upsetting really. Am I being more emotional that I should be by not wanting her to go to summer camp? I know “it is what it is” but if it can be avoided it should be. We both have extended family we can ask to help cover time off and it always seems to be me arranging it and 0 efforts from him except him paying for half of the camp if she does go.

He should step up and have his dd for some of the holidays, but you can’t force him to be a good dad. See if he’ll commit to one week which isn’t good enough but better than nothing. For camps, are there any different activity camps she would go to? What about her hobbies, do they do summer camps, or anything her friends are going to?

I think the only way she’s going to get used to it is by going to kids club. It’s good to get out of your comfort zone and make new friends. I’m sure she’d prefer that than 2wks with a newborn. The mum will be trying to establish feeding, they’ll both be knackered, it would make more sense for her to be around children of her own age doing fun things.

Yes I agree with this. The more regular the club is, the easier it will be to go. Instead of doing full weeks at a time, could you take a couple of days a week off. So club is 2/3 days a week all summer rather than two full weeks.

Can you and DD choose the camp together? Discuss the available ones and what they do and give her some input and control. Can you post in the parents wattsapp group and ask where others are going and which weeks so she knows she will have a friend or familiar face there?

re your ex. If he is always this rubbish
i understand your frustration. But i can’t see him or his gf agreeing to have your dd full time for the same
2 weeks they are wrestling a newborn. It also sounds like that would be pretty awful for dd. Not just in terms of the camp but being very low on the priory list and perhaps feeling left out. The guilt for the two weeks of camp there is his not yours and the bill!

Yes, I have 10 days annual leave left as I have just taken off a lot of time for Easter hols to cover childcare as well. I will look to do this though. Thank you

She needs to get used to holiday camps. Expecting him to take time off is understandable, but expecting him and his partner to have her the entire of paternity leave is not, even if she lived with him full time he’d likely put her in holiday clubs for some
of that time, that time is for helping look after the woman who’s just given birth.

Im also a single mum (the dad doesn’t help so I know how annoying it is), I tend to take a few days off a week and spread it out that way. You could look at if you could afford unpaid parental leave maybe?

Can you get her in with a childminder?

Could you ask the parents of DD’s friends what they are doing? Perhaps going to a holiday club with some familiar faces will be less daunting.

I agree her dad needs to step up but I can understand why he’s hesitant to have her the full 2 weeks of his paternity leave with a newborn.

I'm conflicted. On one had I guess it's understandable the new woman wouldn't want DD around for the full paternity but also she probably entered this relationship knowing your ex has a child? I don't see how your DD being there would be any different to a full sibling being there. They can't pick and choose when it's okay to want DD there or not when her dad gets to play happy families with his shiny new born! Ugh being a single mum is so hard isn't it OP x

You’re unreasonable expecting him to have her for the whole of his paternity leave. You’re also unreasonable to make camp a bigger deal than it needs to be.

How long does he usually have her in holidays?

Find out which holidays camps her friends are going to? And/or offer to trade childcare with friend’a parents.

I’m a lone parent of 3 I’ve just always been clear that they have to go to clubs - I know it’s easier as they are siblings so have each other though. And yeah I make it clear why - mummy needs to hold down a job - the job that pays all the bills - and I’m doing the best I can (they can infer from that if they want that their dad is useless and if they don’t like the clubs they can blame him not me)

I do check on the parent school groups too though who else is sending their child and to which clubs so that theyll know other children - maybe something you could also do OP?

You together need to do a mix of both of you taking time off and holiday clubs.

I don’t think it’s reasonable to ask him to use his paternity leave. He needs to use that time to support his partner and new baby. But certainly he could have dd some of those days and some other days.

She will need to go to holiday club. This is life. They often don’t love the idea of it, but enjoy it when they’re there. Mine never had a choice. They just went.

And then can her dad bring her with him while he’s working? Dh is self-employed. He does a couple days a week with dc as he does admin on those days, plops them in front of the tv and gets on with emails and accounts, or they go to the playground and he can do emails and schedule things on his phone from there. A few times they’ve literally gone with him for the day while he did some work. Different if he is a builder and going into people’s houses, but Dh mostly works from a workshop, so they can tag along as long as they are careful and don’t get run over by a forklift. 😂 It’s not a day at the National Trust, but it’s sufficient childcare and we make do.

Realistically she will have to do some days at holiday club, or some other childcare. Even with 2 working parents in the same household, most families don't have enough AL between them to avoid school holiday childcare, unless they have a term time job.
I think it would be hard to have her at home during paternity leave - I know my eldest continued going to nursery when I had dc2 and DH was on paternity and it was important for her to be out having social interaction and I needed DH's support when recovering from childbirth. You don't know if the baby/mother might need to stay in hospital for longer or have extra medical help, it's so hard to predict.

Are you a stepmum? Or a single mum?

I think you will just have to put her in camp for a few weeks

Holiday clubs really vary, the first one I used was at the school and awful, I asked around and found some great ones. Superclubs are good, Barracuda one near me is exceptional.

I wouldn’t imagine that your ex’s partner would be delighted to have your DD around straight after birth, despite it being a lovely opportunity for your DD to bond.

i had similar issue when my DD was younger. The way I got around it was messaging other parents on the year group WhatsApp very far in advance as a general shout out to see who was booking what and when. I would then book same as kids she got on with so there would be some familiar faces. Even managed to share drop offs and pick ups with other parents some times made things way easier. No way on earth I could have got my DD into a holiday club where she knew nobody at all.

I used to hate holiday clubs so I feel her pain. One thing that kind of helped me is my mum gave me like a little goal each week like to talk to one new person a day, ask to join one game. By the end of the first week I was hiding at pick up time and didn't wanna go home. Obviously it’s hard, but sometimes for shy kids breaking making friends down into small tasks can be really helpful.

Unfortunately you can't make him step up and be a good dad. But I get its so annoying when you have to arrange everything (I have a DH and I still sort all childcare).

In terms of camp, my DS requests to go now (year 3 now) and this was a child that hated going to anything new. Getting him into breakfast club at school was also a nightmare etc. Camp was a nightmare the first year of school.
I don't see it as strictly childcare but a chance for DS to do something he wants to do - he now picks which camp he wants to go to depending on what is is, the weather (usually summer is outside camps winter indoors) and where his friends are going.

My advice get her use to camp and reduce the burden a little for you.
Chose one at her school if there is one, one with friends if you can find out where they go and do a few days a week to begin with.
I now coordinate with DS friends mums so they go to camp the same days, do average 3 days camp 2 days holiday on school holiday weeks and get DS involved in which camp he wants to go to.

My dd loved camps - when she was younger I would always coordinate with her friends (also meant we could share drop off and pick up). Often there was three or four of them together. They did all sorts of camps, from netball to multisports to baking , to the generic one at the local private school which was just a riot of drama and water fights.

Dd enjoyed in particular the local outdoor sports centre which did lots of team stuff (build a raft, campfires, giant SUP, etc). She happily went to that by herself every summer for a week.

I’m not sure going there for the 2 weeks of paternity leave sounds like a good idea for anyone, including your dd. I have had dc that won’t just go happily to any old holiday club and it is hard. Things that have worked for us is breaking up the week rather than a block somewhere; and trying different clubs. Some are quieter than others or focused on particular activities. Also linking up with school friends and going the same day as someone she knows, going to ones that are somewhere familiar like her school. Going to a childminder for a quieter and more home from home approach. Childcare deals with friends (although then you end up having other kids to look after on your days off), taking unpaid parental leave - although I know financially this is not straightforward.

Exactly. I’m asking her father to look after her, not his girlfriend. I do get it might be a wobbly time but priorities don’t stop. I have had a baby myself and still stuck to the holidays because I have no choice. I am a parent..

What's your normal split of parenting time? If you're covering most or all of school holidays by default, he at least needs to pay more towards that. Sadly as pp have said he can't be forced to do the actual parenting. I agree that wedging your DD into the paternity leave period won't work - mainly as she will clearly just be an afterthought to him, taking a back seat to the new baby, and I can't imagine that'll be any nicer for her than going to holiday club.

You might be better off looking at camps with your daughter so she can help choose rather than rely on her dad as he sounds like he might either book a camp himself or just not take her. At least that way your DD will have some control.

None of my dc ever like the general camps but one now likes a tennis club that runs over summer and the eldest loves a camp we found relating to his hobby so there could be camps out there she will enjoy.

A lot of kids don't like camps but if you're working there's not much you can do. I would frame it to her as a non-negotiable, don't tell her you're trying to avoid them by relying on her dad.

Another feckless shit of a dad

And he's had another child?!?!