9 year old girl struggling with friends

[seamountain]

im looking for some advice as I’m completely stuck. For a few years now making friends seems to be a big problem. No matter where we go school, clubs, at home playing out there’s always arguments with other people it seems she can only be nice and good with one on one friendships, she just will not stop. Don’t get me wrong she isn’t the only one that will argue but she reacts to others and can not just listen to us when we tell her to ignore others and not argue back with them, she has to argue back and it’s becoming a problem. We’ve tried taking things away, grounding her, and talking to her on a way to try get her to improve these things. Does anyone have any advice.

It sounds like she might be struggling to manage emotions in line with peers her own age. Modelling emotional resilience will help and acknowledging her feelings while helping her draw on techniques to manage them.

It’s not clear if she feels like she’s losing out by not having friends or if she prefers her own company. It could be that she needs more downtime on her own while maintaining friendships.

as you mention “peers her own age” it does only seem to be with people her age. She will get along with older children. She isn’t the main problem but definitely is a main cause she definitely isn’t helping in situations as she’s just so reactive to others. It just feels like we are at a dead end because we feel like we have tried everything we can think of but I will try any ways recommended because it’s becoming too much now

If she's good one on one then concentrate on building those friendships. Don't let her play out in a group and avoid clubs etc where there will be large amount of free play. Instead, prioritise one on one playdates. Let her feel successful in friendship for a while.

In addition, talk about and model what a good friend would do in different situations. If she plays with Barbie/Sylvanians/dolls house etc you can use these to role play different situations. You can talk to her about issues you've had in friendships and how you resolved them. You can talk about times you were reactive and regretted it and times you were calmer and there was a positive outcome. Model this in your relationship with her/your partner.

Stop punishing her for struggling socially. Maybe think about where she gets her reactive nature from! The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.